The Last Couple Of Years

This year has been pretty brutal for me. 
The last couple of years, actually, 
but I guess you can say that I'm learning a lot.
A lot about loss and letting go. 
A lot about forgiving myself. 
A lot about accepting really f*cking hard truths. 
A lot about brutal honesty. 
It's been a lot to take in.... Hasn't felt good. 
Been put in my place more than a few times. 
Which also hasn't felt good. 
Humble pie is like a jagged pill going down. 
Doesn't taste good, doesn't sit the greatest in your stomach. 

And all I've got lately, is writing, but it helps more
than anyone knows.... 

It's like someone who's secure within themselves....
They can't or won't take anyone's insecurities well. 
Same as someone who has similar insecurities. 

Been there with some insecure guys, before. 
Who won't admit to being or feeling insecure, 
but who played games with me
when it came to wanting to be in my life when it suited them.
And getting jealous of friends. 
And saying things jealous people say. 
I had some of that last year.

Like it was okay for them to act jealous, 
but whenever I brought something up, 
it was 'none of my business.'

I get how people can overcompensate for their insecurities, too.
I have, too many times, and regret it. 
Why try to hide it?
Why try to cover it up and pretend like it doesn't exist?

I got pretty insecure about my cystic acne. 
It was like I couldn't go anywhere, even to work, 
without one person saying:
"What happened to your face?!"
That got me feeling kinda insecure about myself. 

But trying to cover up cysts on my face with makeup
wasn't going to make them go away. 
Eventually, I stopped caring about it. 
The cysts go away and come back periodically. 
I'm not f*cking Miss Universe. I know this. 
So why should I care about what people think
about what "happened to my face?"
I had someone suggest that I have some fun with it
and just make something up. 
And just laugh at them after I told them
because they totally bought it. 

So TF what? I get cysts on my face. 
So that makes me totally unattractive to most guys
who only want to chase after beauty queens.... 
They are allowed to, if that is what they want to do. 
I'm allowed to have my secret fantasies, too. 
But it is pointless to chase after a guy. Any guy. 
What would I do with him if I caught him with someone else?
"Okay, thanks, bye."

But anyway, I shouldn't even be thinking about guys right now. 
I guess guys come up when I get to talking about my insecurities. 
Because a lot of my insecurities are connected to 
my questioning of "Am I attractive to him?"
Because most of the time, it is a NO!
Because insecurities aren't attractive. 
Which is true. 
But like... Why should that help me feel more secure?
"Yes, I do find you attractive."
What about that gives me a certain feeling
of being secure about myself?
Even if there are so many other girls out there
who are much more attractive, who don't get cysts on their faces, 
who are easier to access?
Or who aren't, which makes them even more attractive?

It's like I'm between two worlds sometimes. 
How things used to be and how I used to be
and who I'm becoming... 
And it sucks! It doesn't feel good! It doesn't feel comfortable!
Yes, I was seeking comfort... But I couldn't have that. 
I've been stripped to the BONE. 
Like everything had to be taken away from me.... 
And I've been FORCED to let go of so much. 
Even though it's f*cking HARD!!!!

I still keep doing stupid sh*t though. I don't know why. 
Like sabotaging myself... Out of fear. 
And just... I should just release everything and everyone. 
And see who comes back, and who doesn't. 
And see what their reasons are for coming back. 
Or whatever... 

Yeah, I want to be and feel secure. And stable. 
And just good. But I shouldn't need anyone to help me so much. 
I mean, they probably wouldn't feel too hot
if they got stripped to the bone.... 
It just wouldn't f*cking feel good. It doesn't. 

And I can't expect them to know how shaky it feels. 
How raw it feels, how.... It feels.... 

I should be building, budding, growing, evolving.... 
Climbing up, and expanding... 
Even that stuff doesn't feel the greatest at first. 
I'll admit that I have been trying to make myself as comfortable as possible. 
Taking more showers than necessary.... 
Trying to get my mind off things....
Feeling very shaky and just.... Anxiety.... 

And my answer used to be to drink to sedate myself.... 
But I don't do that anymore.
And I'm not smoking weed so much anymore. 
Was trying to grow some, but it wasn't doing so good. 
But anyway, I can't just drink or smoke
when I get anxiety, because I get it a lot. 

Been relying on tarot videos. 
And taking unnecessary showers apparently. Heh.
Watched a few movies lately. 
Been hard to relax. To just relax. 
Sometimes, I feel like when I get relaxed, 
something might happen. 
And it just drives the anxiety up even more. 
Which is stupid. 

I have to talk myself into feeling safe. It sucks. 
I need to do better, be better. Period. 
Including allowing myself to relax and feel safe. 
At least I can sleep here and there. 
I remember the last time I was like this. 
I realized that I was okay. It started going away.
It will go away again.