I Don't Know How

Trying to just stay in the moment and not try to think too far into the future. 
Because anxiety's got me by the tits and I find that I go into fear a lot. 
Been stuck in this place where I want things to be okay, 
but I don't know how things are going to turn out. 

"Worry is a misuse of the imagination."
So is fear. It really is. 

What would it look like if everything worked out?
If people forgave me for my mistakes?
If I had love in my life?
If I had no concerns searing me?
How would it feel? Peaceful?

I learned some hard lessons. 
About how I sabotage myself. 
I guess I've been repeating myself all day. 
Maybe life was easier when my problems were about dating. 

But I got here from wanting to be loved. 
And wanting to have love in my life....
Sometimes I wonder why I ever did?
Because I used to think it was okay to want that?

Sometimes I think I'm living the life I'm living
because I'm strong enough to live it. 
I don't know why I haven't just moved on a long time ago. 
The people who didn't want me in their lives
never had to have me in their lives. 

I don't know why I kept trying and trying and trying. 
I could have walked away, but I couldn't. 

As much as I wanted to have certain people in my life... 
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone... 
A much as it doesn't feel comfortable. 
And all the unknowns feel uncomfortable. 
I feel like they will bounce back on me. 
For my past.... 
For the times I didn't show up
when I was supposed to.... 
When I couldn't. 

When there were some things beyond my control. 
And there are some things beyond my control. 

I don't know what to do and I feel like there isn't anything
that I can do in this moment.
It bugs me that some people say I did the right thing, 
but I feel like I didn't. 
And I can see how it looked. 
But it wasn't intended the way it looked. 

"When you are fearful, you have chosen wrongly."
Are there some real fears or are they mostly imagined. 

Been listening to ACIM and it has been helping. 
It would be more helpful if I can make more sense of it. 
I wish I had rethought some things. 
And not acted out of fear. 
I've messed things up on many levels. 

"Only your mind can produce fear."

Maybe my fear is coming from the uknown. 
Maybe I did things that were loveless
and acting out of fear. 
And I lost the love of my son. 
From being fearful for him. 
Even though I love him. 

ACIM is saying we either choose love or fear.
And that we should guard our thoughts. 
I was not guarding my thoughts and haven't been. 
I haven't been aware of how powerful our minds are. 
Others are not aware how powerful their minds are. 

I told a neighbor what I was going through, months ago. 
She said she would pray for me. 
I got an answer to her prayer that same day. 
She moved away and I didn't keep in touch. 
I really wish that I had kept in touch. 
I need her prayers again. 

I have been praying more than I ever have. 
I guess I had a lot of doubts about religion 
and my family put a lot of their thoughts and opinions in my head. 
But I knew that I didn't have to think the way they do. 
My family has been pretty unhealthy. 
I know how people can become unhealthy around unhealthy people. 
I still feel unhealthy and I know my thinking isn't always the best. 
I've thought wrong on many things. 
And because I acted on fears and didn't perform at my best... 
I wasn't able to be healthy for people who needed me to be healthy. 

I still hope that I can turn my life around and my situation around.
That I can turn myself around and show others that they can, too. 
And maybe people will see that they can. 

I just wish people could see why I was doing what I did.
Because I care. I really do. 
But it looks like I don't.... 

Worrying that my son will never talk to me again
isn't going to help me.

He never said that he would never speak to me again. 
Albeit, he's pretty angry. 
I understand that and understand why.

I projected my fears onto him. 
My fears that he might hurt himself or that he had.... 
Among others...
Fears are pretty powerful. 
If dogs can sense our fears.... Others can, too. 

Hoping for a new beginning. 
Have to get over these fears, though. 

Drained from not sleeping well. 
And all this wasted energy. 
And not eating right. 
Which has been an ongoing thing. 

I have to be okay with not knowing. 
There's so much that I don't know.

Grieving is f*cking hard. It sucks. It doesn't feel good. 
Endings are hard. But I can see where things went wrong. 
Where I went wrong.... 
Now I can't see how to make things right. 
Or if I can... 

I didn't see my life going this way. 
This isn't what I wanted. 
Wanted to get married, have a family, 
have a normal life... 

Have the love and support a lot of other people have... 
Just feel good in my own skin. 
I didn't want the world, just normalcy. 
Good things in my life.... 

Maybe I can still have that, I don't know. 
A lot of things f*cking scare me now. 

I don't know how to feel right now. 
When I'm sleeping, even stupid things jolt me. 

I was dreaming that a couple met through some tv show
and when they met up in person, the crew was there, 
filming them, and the woman said:
"I don't see why they have to be here for this..."
And it jolted me. Why would that jolt me?
Why do I get jolted many times when I'm sleeping?
Why can't I just sleep without getting jolted?