Cold In Here

Been cold in here. My feet are usually cold, and my hands. 
Been thinking about making some socks and maybe mittens. 
Still processing some pain, I guess. 
Been hard to let go and walk away. 
Especially when it's not my choice. 
But something I have to be okay with doing, anyway. 

Trying to get back to myself, here. 
Just don't feel like "me" anymore. 
Haven't for a long time. 
Too much on my mind, I guess. 

Last year, with all the heartache and everything... 
That seemed easier, somehow. 

"Remember that how people treat you is on them."

The other day, a friend invited me over for some beer. 
He ordered me non-alcholic beer. 

It was about getting out of the house
and he and I hadn't seen each other for a while. 
He's been a close friend for like 8 years or more. 

I've asked him to help me with something important. 
I've been asked what to do with my life insurance money. 
So that he can help me with that. 

Been going through a lot and I can see where I've had my role in it. 
Like my fears coming true and all that. 
How do I stop feeling afraid?
When there are lots of scary things?
And I can't let my imagination run me into the ground... 

I've seen how some things look, though. 
Because it looked like I was doing it for attention, I wasn't. 
It wasn't about causing drama. 
But I see that it was looking somehow that it was about 'what I wanted.'
Even though I want to do the right things for the right reasons. 
I end up doing the wrong things. 
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

And I don't tell people about things for attention. 
I want to know what they would do
so that I can figure out what to do. 

But I feel better when they know
that I'm not trying to get attention. 
Because I'm not. 

I don't do things for people's reactions, either, 
but they are going to react a certain way. 
So that's another reason to be careful about what I do. 
And not to act on my fears. 
When do you act on it? When do you realize it's just a fear?

And there are those fears of rejection and abandonment...
I don't need to fear those things. 
They are just rejection and abandonment. 
It doesn't have to say anything about me. 

But I risk being rejected and abandoned 
by being afraid. 
Because being afraid of being rejected
can often lead to rejection.... Often does. 

I'm experiencing a lot emotionally, lately. 
I think I haven't learned how to deal with my emotions
because I avoided them for so long. 
Or tried to. 
Like acting on my fears 
was to try to make them go away. 
Which doesn't. It just brought new fears. 

I'm realizing a lot, but also don't know what to do
with these realizations. 

Like "I can see how this looked to them."
And had I seen how it looked, I could have used that.
Do you trust your intuition? 
Or go by how it would look?
Or is what we think is our intuition or our ego?

And some of my friends told me I was doing
what I was supposed to be doing. 
What they would have done. 

And I see it from the other side, though. 
Looked like an ambush because they weren't expecting it. 
Looked like I was doing it for some control. 
I was thinking if he needs the police, they are there for him. 
But he didn't. He just hung up on me and went back to bed. 
So I can see how it looked. 

Looking back, I wish I hadn't, but I did. 
And I can't take back something that already happened. 

As a result, I just look crazy. 
Like I was trying to make him look crazy. 
When I got scared. Made a decision
without thinking about it first. 

And I lost an important relationship as a result. 
One I was just starting to get back. 

It's like I'm able to go off on my own,
but I still don't want to give up. 

But it's not a choice I get to make. 

And I shouldn't be afraid to go off on my own. 
Relying on anyone to 'make me happy'
isn't going to 'make me happy.'
It never did. 

There is much more to life than relationships. 
I've had many failed relationships. 
With people who didn't value the relationship with me. 
Family, mostly. And that hurts the most. 
But I can't rely on a relationship to make me happy. 
Even though being separated from someone you love
isn't something that makes me happy. 
Been separated from my son so many times.... 
This isn't the first time.... That was the hardest. 
That was so hard to accept. 
My son ended up with his father
and that hasn't been the healthiest for him. 
Also, alcoholism to try to deal with my depression
(which just made it worse)
wasn't healthy for him, either. 

And his father's always had depression
and has been pretty pessimistic.
Which wasn't good for my son to be around. 
And it's usually just the two of them. 

So it's not like my son has had good relationships with family. 
My brothers weren't very involved after a while. 
They dropped off more and more 
and my family dropped off more and more. 
Not that they were ever there for me...
And that always made me feel a certain way about myself. 

But my son decided to drop off more and more. 
And I always felt that had a lot to do with his dad.
Him influencing him about me. 

And I shot myself in the foot, big time. 
So I didn't help my own case. 
So many times I didn't help my own case... 

Also, when you ask someone for help, 
they might not always have the answer. 
So we have to take that into consideration. 
Which I wasn't doing. 
And ended up doing things I regretted
because I was listening to someone's reactions
to my situation
instead of going with what was the right thing. 
When I was being told that it was the right thing. 
When it didn't end up feeling like it was. 

But it should be okay to ask for help
when you don't know what to do. 
But if you don't does everyone else?
They only know what they would do. 
If what they would do is what you actually should do, 
then it was good that you asked for help. 
But if it's not, then you shot yourself in the foot. 

Anyway, My buddy was pointing out that
I probably would do much better with a different lifestyle. 
That the habits I've had are what got me here. 

And trying to just be comfortable
to feel or fake my sense of security.... 
Isn't helping me change or make changes. 
How can anything change if they stay the same?

Staying comfortable when it comes to how deep I go?
Staying comfortable when it comes to staying home so much. 
Living in one place for over 15 years?
Not allowing myself to explore?
Not allowing myself to go deep?
Not allowing myself to face my fears?
Not admitting to my mistakes.... 
Not stopping myself from making them.... 
Just so many old habits. 
Holding myself back in so many ways. 

Partly, due to my fears of launching myself forward.
"What if I can't cut it?"
"What if my d*ck catches on fire?" Someone asked me. 
"So TF what?" He said. 

Haven't I fallen on my face so many times already?
But do I have to keep doing it?
There are ways we can support ourselves. 
By confronting fears, going deeper, 
exploring some things about ourselves. 

Fear of failure is a huge one for me. 
And guess what? I've failed a lot. 

I know that there are a lot of skills that I don't have. 
But the only way to gain them is to gain them. 
I've had some support, but I also need to support myself. 
Kind of like re-learning how to walk. 
Taking baby steps. 
And then we get to the point that we can walk around
without falling and without thinking about it. 

I saw a video where a waitress turned around, 
tripped over 2 bar stools, and ended up falling
through a window. 

Obviously we need to look where we are going. 
Can't walk into traffic. 
Have to be aware of obstacles. 

It's easier to have someone say: "Watch out for the bar stool!"
Than to just trip over the bar stool. 
And it's not like we have to trip over the bar stool to know
that people sometimes trip over bar stools. 

Like people sometimes take sh*tty advice. 
Or they just act impulsively
which can be worse than asking for advice
depending on how sh*tty the advice is.... 
They both don't yield the ideal results. 
So no wonder why people like me have fallen on their faces?
How I have ruined many relationships?
With family and friends?

To the point that my relationships.... Are mostly over....
Important relationships. 

So I have had certain tendancies that tend to get in the way
of the results I wanted to achieve. 

And there is supposedly a spectrum of narcissism. 
Like how not all narcissists are complete narcissists,
and not all empaths are complete empaths... 
I've seen some tendencies I have, 
but it's like people have only seen mine and not their own. 
And blame me for theirs. 
Because it seems to be easier than recognizing
that they tend to do some things, too. 
They tend to actin certain ways. 
Whether or not they realize that they do. 
Whether or not they realize how it comes off... 
Whether or not they even care. 

But it seems that they care if my actions affected them. 
Not when theirs affected me. 

There were times in the past where I couldn't see how
what I was doing was affecting others until a lot later. 
When had I been able to see, I would have chosen differently. 
What was affecting my ability to see?
My own ways. Getting in the way. 
That's how I stand in my way. 

A lot has been pointing to ways that I really need to mature. 
And I wasn't taking the time to think about it. 

My habits of getting frustrated when dealing with something
pretty challenging. 
And one has to ask oneself if it is challenging
because it's challenging us?
Or is it challenging a habit that we have?
Or challenging our ego?

And I think frustration is a sign of wanting certain results. 
A lot of the anger stuff was frustration that escalated. 

I guess the anger I had after my father died
was the fact that I had no control over the fact that he died, 
that I'd have no relationship with him, 
that he chose to just leave me here... 
Just gave up. 

Had no control over that. Can't change it. 
And I think that is what I was angry about. 
When I have no control over
whether it's in my control or not. 

There are some things that are within my control, though. 
There was a lot that didn't seem that it was. 
"Do you not see that your misery
comes from the strange belief that you are powerless?"

It felt like there wasn't anything I could do
about most of the things that have happened to me in my life.
All the injustices. 
When there was probably something I could have done
that might have made all the difference for my life. 
But for whatever reason, I couldn't and didn't do it. 
Do you ever feel like that?
Like you should be living on another timeline. 

Like "This is ALL because you zigged
when you should have zagged A***.
You accepted way too much.
Thing you could have changed. 
Had you taken the right advice at the right time. 
Had you trusted yourself. 
Had you tried to do something. 
It was like when I tried.... It blew up in my face. 
Like when I went to confront the school 
about my son's bullying. 
When I didn't know that his teachers
were behind it and they turned on me. 

All the while making it seem like it was my fault. 
Whatever was going on there and nobody told me anything. 
My son told me a little bit here and there. 
And he's kept it with him all these years. 

And it seems like nobody cares... 
Because he didn't talk about it
and didn't tell anyone. 
Until it was years later. 

But it's like most of his life has been about school. 
So it was so important to him. 
Especially this year because it was his last year. 
He's been failing and stressed out. 

I kept trying to see him but he was too focused
on his homework and stressed out about it. 
So I was also trying not to bug him too much. 

My son chose not to talk about it. 
Probably because it's been painful for him. 
I kept trying to get him to talk about it. 
But he didn't want to. 
I tried to get some help for him, 
when he didn't want it. 
It wasn't the right thing at the right time. 

He probably would have opened up more over time. 
Or maybe not. 

It's important to talk about how we feel and why. 

And I think a lot of the pain is from taking something hard. 
Because we don't know how to take it. 
Because it wasn't easy to take. 

We don't control what comes our way,
but we can ease on ourselves depending how we take it. 
It's easy to take really good things well. 
It's easy to take hard things hard. 
And badly, sometimes. 

And then there are some people who say
that we can attract the things that come our way. 
With our thoughts about it. 
And how we feel, too. 

So my tendency to overthink isn't helping me. 
Reacting to my own thoughts isn't helping me. 

Like how I'd get freaked out about ghosts
just from thinking about some stories about ghosts. 

Anyway, a lot of things have been hard enough
without me making things worse. 
Like every time I tried, they just got worse. 
Hard to trust yourself, eh?

And how is that supposed to feel?

Anyway, it's not the easiest to admit
to certain tendencies. 
But admitting it is a step towards changing it. 

"I tend to (this) so I will do (that)."
And I haven't been using it. 
I'm just getting certain tools. 
And learning how to use them. 


And maybe I shouldn't "try" until I know what I'm doing?
And not act based on some intense feeling. 
Unless I know that I'm right in doing so.... 


So do I just give up on my life
because my son wants nothing to do with me?
Because I can't be a mom?
Because I don't have someone 'special' in my life?
Because I keep getting rejected?
By most people in my life?

Do I wait until it's okay to live?
With or without anyone?