A lot of people want to get results but they don't really want to do
what it takes to get those results.
Doing the same things over and over and over again
just give us the same results. The results we don't want.
I get that 'seeing' is 'believing.'
Hard to believe in results that we can't see in any way.
But to see the results, we have to create them.
They do not create themselves. No matter how we wish they would/could.
So... How do we even get started creating results?
Well, we have to do things differently...
Change is something we can choose.
Getting used to doing things differently has challenges,
but overcoming these challenges prevent us from falling into the trap
of persistently doing things that sabotage our growth.
Not even just our growth, but our progress.
I did a huge backslide this year, but I think that I had to
because I wasn't getting to where I needed to go.
There were some lessons I needed to learn from backsliding.
So that I can move forward from the point I am NOW.
"I can only start from where I am
with what I have and what I know NOW."
I can only get THERE from HERE.
Not from where I wish I was...
Because I'm not where I wish I was....
Anyways... There's a bunch of books I have lined up.
I have to finish the ones I started reading so that I can start the others.
I will be writing a lot this winter.
I hope to get a lot of work done on an inner level
because I really do not want to keep repeating the same mistakes
and the same patterns and falling into the same traps....
A lot of the traps I've been falling into are from my reactions
to the things that were affecting me, a lot.
Mostly things I have little to no control over...
My reactions... Yes, I can work on changing that.
But the things I react to... They are triggers.
They are meant to trigger me
so that I can stop reacting to them the way I react.
And been trying to explain this stuff and other stuff to people,
but they really do not 'get it.'
Because they'd rather keep reacting to sh*t
the same ways they always have....
Even when they get the same results.... From the same reactions....
Like when my brother gets mad at me
for 'not listening' when he thinks I'm 'not listening.'
Just because I see things in a different way
doesn't mean I'm not listening.
It means I am allowed to have my own take on it.
Just as he is allowed to have his own take on it.
Often, we have takes on things.
Because we see things in different ways.
He gets mad at me for not seeing it HIS way.
Because that is what he wants. He wants me to see it HIS way
and gets mad at me when I won't.
Even when I can see where he is coming from,
he doesn't listen to me...
HIS take is MORE important than MINE.
So I'm WRONG if I don't see things HIS way....
So now he and I don't talk.
Because he gets annoyed too easily.
He gets irritated too easily. He yells at me.
He isolated himself from me with his attitude
and him trying to make me feel guilty
for not wanting any of that bullsh*t in my life.
Nobody tells me what or how I should think.
There is no reasoning with people who are unreasonable.
If you can't reason with them, then there is no point trying.
I just let him be 'RIGHT' because that is more important to him,
even if he's 'WRONG.'
Even if there is another way to look at things,
another take on it... He refuses to look at it.
He refuses so adamently, that he'd rather argue over it
than to accept that I don't see things HIS way.
Part of this section I'm reading... About transitioning....
"Everyone has the urge to work from one level below where they are.
We need to work where we are, not from where we were."
That is the point in leveling UP.
When where we were is refusing to see another's point of view...
We can't keep operating from that level.
We could, but that defeats the purpose of seeing the alternatives.
But people have different perspectives, different values,
different beliefs shaped from different experiences....
I left home at an early age.
I was 13 when I stopped living with my family.
Both my younger brothers still lived at home.
I was sick of the bullsh*t. I wanted to get away.
I think my mother was sick of being responsible for me.
She signed her parental rights away and my father already being dead...
I effectively was emancipated when I was 13 years old.
My brothers were not. They still had to live with my parents.
They still had to experience the dysfunctionality of our family
while I was experiencing the dysfunctionality of 'the system.'
They were both dysfunctions in different ways.
Unhealthy people teach unhealthy things.
My brother developed an anger problem and acceptance problem
at an early age from our step-father. Who modeled it for him.
Without even realizing it. He probably learned it from his father.
People learn and are taught how to act
by people who have learned and were taught how to act that way...
(If it is supposed to be learnt instead of learned, it is a habit).
As an example... I know someone who has narcissistic traits.
He picked up those traits from dealing with narcissistic people.
And his brother is a full blown narcissist....
So we pick stuff up from people.
But I think that it was taught by their father. Especially.
Maybe their mother, too. I don't know.
But people are taught to be the way they are
until they choose to change
and choose to become the way they want to be...
Or they will keep repeating the same patterns
and making the same mistakes.
And teaching these patterns and mistakes to others.
Who either learn from them and learn "How NOT to be"
or they just keep being the way they've always been
and demonstrating that behavior for others to learn....
And just because we have that demonstrated to us,
doesn't mean that there aren't consequences for acting like that....
There most definitely are. Those actions create barriers.
Most actions that are sabotaging create barriers.
The actions that are supportive lift barriers.
And yeah, it sucks having an unfair disadvantage
of 'not knowing any better..." But like I said....
Gotta start from where we ARE, can't start from where we ought to be
when we are not where we ought to be...
So a lot of this is just STARTING to make progress...
Yes, it really sucks doing a backslide because it feels like losing
all the progress that was made before the backslide....
I'm currently dealing with trying to overcome my frustrations
with feeling like I lost the progress I was making with myself
because I was trying to make progress elsewhere.
And I wasn't making any.
Mostly because I can only make so much progress
with people who aren't ready to progress....
And I can only make so much progress with myself
so when I feel like I've lost a lot of progress,
it feels like a big deal because it took so long and so much
to make the progress that I made, that I lost....
BUT... Some can argue:
Was it really progress made if you lost it?
Maybe it only FELT like I was making progress
when really the progress was really slow to begin with....
It can take a really long time to undo the mess we spent
our entire lives creating of our lives....
This is why progress is really slow until we create some momentum.
In this book I am reading about transitioning....
It says that early wins helps create momentum.
And we have to negotiate our success to determine
what an early win even looks like.
Because even a really small win...
Like doing something we wouldn't normally do....
Like backing down from a fight to desescalte it before it escalates....
Even when you usually want to and attempt to stand your ground
as firmly and harshly as you deemed necessary to 'get your points across.'
In the art of communication,
we don't actually have to DRIVE the points home to make our points....
Sometimes we can state things in the right way, at the right time
so that our points drive themselves home.
BUT... Then again, sometimes the light is on and NOBODY is home.
So sometimes we try to drive our points home to an empty house...
And when the cat is away, the mice will play....
The mice being their own distortions....
It is so hard to see a situation in it's true light
because everyone has their own view of it.
Differing views leave differing clues.
That's why we should listen and at least entertain
alternative points of view, even when we don't agree.
It's like people just want to argue, without the 'fighting'
but it always turns into a huge fight....
Yes, you have the right to your own point of view,
but if you don't/never at least think about it differently,
you might miss something...
It's just very difficult and frustrating trying to explain things
to people who either refuse to understand
or they do not have the capacity to even begin to understand.
Sometimes I wonder what category people are in...
All I know is that they are in one or another....
But there are some very rare people who completely understand....
So anyway, the breakthrough of today is that to transform,
and then transcend.... We have to transition....
Going from our old roles to our new roles.
Our old role of just existing and surviving have skills
that are different from the skillset that the new role
of thriving requires... So we develop the skillsets....
Which is what I am doing now. That is where I am at in my life.
Developing new skillsets for my new role.
For the next level of my new life...
Even if I find myself alone for the rest of my life....
At least I will have the time and space to develop myself more.
The relationships I have had have pretty much been co-dependant.
I depended too much on my partners to be what I could not be for myself.
People in co-dependant relationships depend on each other too much.
Especially for fulfillment in all ways, but especially emotionally.
Because they think and possibly believe that that's their only source
of fulfillment and they are not fulfilling themselves, especially emotionally.
I met a guy online once. Never met in person. We had a couple conversations.
He was starting to get very attached to me and it was uncomfortable.
I do not want to be the sole responsibility of anyone's happiness
or emotional security etc. That's not what I am here for.
I can support people, but they need to support themselves.
I get that people can get lonely... But when they get attached,
it gets really overwhelming for the person they are clinging to.
I had this issue with a lady who lives in my building.
Firstly, I have a hard time with boundaries.
Because I've never been taught how to set and enforce them.
So when people cross that with me, I retreat.
I wanted to spend less and less time with her
because she was trying to take up all my time
and she was trying to make me feel bad about wanting to be alone.
Like trying to make me feel guilty about not calling and visiting.
And I couldn't explain it to her
because she couldn't see how needy/clingy she was being.
Or how it was affecting me or anything. I didn't like it.
Don't want to be around people who try to manipulate my feelings.
Plus, I need to spend MY time for ME and what I want to do
and what is important to me.
I have a friend who always wants to hang out.
Last summer we spent quite a bit of time together
and I kept putting off my stuff to spend time with him
and he kept trying to force me to 'feel better'
because he didn't feel good that I didn't feel good
but I have the right to my own feelings
and I don't want people to demand that I smile
when I don't feel like smiling.
Like if you can't accept me as I am, don't try to change me.
But, I had to try to explain to him that I want to just be as I am.
I do not want to be controlled in any way.
Even when he thinks he is trying to help me. Just let me BE.
So I tried telling him and he doesn't 'get it.'
So I just stopped hanging out with him so much. I'm busy. I am.
It's not a lie, or an excuse, it is the truth.
I'm transitioning. He isn't.
He doesn't understand what transitioning is.
He doesn't understand that it takes time and a lot of work.
Time that I don't have just to go f*ck around and waste.
Sure, f*cking around can be 'fun' sometimes,
but I'm not here just to have fun.
I have work to do and a lot of it. It is serious business to me
and it's like everyone else sees it as optional when I see it as essential....
Like: "You could work on yourself... OR you could come out with me..."
And these are people who are not working on themselves.
Like some people have no discipline to even clean up after themselves....
But instead of developing the discipline, they just resign to the fact
that they just don't have it and don't learn anything....
I don't have that skill, or that advantage.... Guess I never will....
No, they won't. Because they don't want to give it to themselves
by making the effort to do the things differently
that lead to the biggest changes of their lives.
Nope. They'd just rather keep living exactly the way they have been.
Even when they aren't happy living the way they have been....
But... "They don't know any better..." So that is their excuse.
Instead of presenting themselves with alternatives...
"I could stay like this.... Or I can become like THAT."
It's always been up to them.
If they need someone to teach them, then they need to be taught.
If they don't want to be taught by me, it doesn't have to be me.
But they can teach themselves.
Because they have been all along.
They taught themselves to be the way they are
by doing things exactly the way they've been doing it.
Like being a lazy slob by being a lazy slob....
Being a productive asset by being a productive asset.
Being an assh*le by being an assh*le.
We learn how to be by being and becoming by becoming.
We don't learn first and then become.
We learn AS we become.
And we've already learned by becoming what we are TODAY, NOW.
There is more to learn. Every day. In every way.
Things that will HELP us so much...
That we can't even begin to understand how much...
what it takes to get those results.
Doing the same things over and over and over again
just give us the same results. The results we don't want.
I get that 'seeing' is 'believing.'
Hard to believe in results that we can't see in any way.
But to see the results, we have to create them.
They do not create themselves. No matter how we wish they would/could.
So... How do we even get started creating results?
Well, we have to do things differently...
Change is something we can choose.
Getting used to doing things differently has challenges,
but overcoming these challenges prevent us from falling into the trap
of persistently doing things that sabotage our growth.
Not even just our growth, but our progress.
I did a huge backslide this year, but I think that I had to
because I wasn't getting to where I needed to go.
There were some lessons I needed to learn from backsliding.
So that I can move forward from the point I am NOW.
"I can only start from where I am
with what I have and what I know NOW."
I can only get THERE from HERE.
Not from where I wish I was...
Because I'm not where I wish I was....
Anyways... There's a bunch of books I have lined up.
I have to finish the ones I started reading so that I can start the others.
I will be writing a lot this winter.
I hope to get a lot of work done on an inner level
because I really do not want to keep repeating the same mistakes
and the same patterns and falling into the same traps....
A lot of the traps I've been falling into are from my reactions
to the things that were affecting me, a lot.
Mostly things I have little to no control over...
My reactions... Yes, I can work on changing that.
But the things I react to... They are triggers.
They are meant to trigger me
so that I can stop reacting to them the way I react.
And been trying to explain this stuff and other stuff to people,
but they really do not 'get it.'
Because they'd rather keep reacting to sh*t
the same ways they always have....
Even when they get the same results.... From the same reactions....
Like when my brother gets mad at me
for 'not listening' when he thinks I'm 'not listening.'
Just because I see things in a different way
doesn't mean I'm not listening.
It means I am allowed to have my own take on it.
Just as he is allowed to have his own take on it.
Often, we have takes on things.
Because we see things in different ways.
He gets mad at me for not seeing it HIS way.
Because that is what he wants. He wants me to see it HIS way
and gets mad at me when I won't.
Even when I can see where he is coming from,
he doesn't listen to me...
HIS take is MORE important than MINE.
So I'm WRONG if I don't see things HIS way....
So now he and I don't talk.
Because he gets annoyed too easily.
He gets irritated too easily. He yells at me.
He isolated himself from me with his attitude
and him trying to make me feel guilty
for not wanting any of that bullsh*t in my life.
Nobody tells me what or how I should think.
There is no reasoning with people who are unreasonable.
If you can't reason with them, then there is no point trying.
I just let him be 'RIGHT' because that is more important to him,
even if he's 'WRONG.'
Even if there is another way to look at things,
another take on it... He refuses to look at it.
He refuses so adamently, that he'd rather argue over it
than to accept that I don't see things HIS way.
Part of this section I'm reading... About transitioning....
"Everyone has the urge to work from one level below where they are.
We need to work where we are, not from where we were."
That is the point in leveling UP.
When where we were is refusing to see another's point of view...
We can't keep operating from that level.
We could, but that defeats the purpose of seeing the alternatives.
But people have different perspectives, different values,
different beliefs shaped from different experiences....
I left home at an early age.
I was 13 when I stopped living with my family.
Both my younger brothers still lived at home.
I was sick of the bullsh*t. I wanted to get away.
I think my mother was sick of being responsible for me.
She signed her parental rights away and my father already being dead...
I effectively was emancipated when I was 13 years old.
My brothers were not. They still had to live with my parents.
They still had to experience the dysfunctionality of our family
while I was experiencing the dysfunctionality of 'the system.'
They were both dysfunctions in different ways.
Unhealthy people teach unhealthy things.
My brother developed an anger problem and acceptance problem
at an early age from our step-father. Who modeled it for him.
Without even realizing it. He probably learned it from his father.
People learn and are taught how to act
by people who have learned and were taught how to act that way...
(If it is supposed to be learnt instead of learned, it is a habit).
As an example... I know someone who has narcissistic traits.
He picked up those traits from dealing with narcissistic people.
And his brother is a full blown narcissist....
So we pick stuff up from people.
But I think that it was taught by their father. Especially.
Maybe their mother, too. I don't know.
But people are taught to be the way they are
until they choose to change
and choose to become the way they want to be...
Or they will keep repeating the same patterns
and making the same mistakes.
And teaching these patterns and mistakes to others.
Who either learn from them and learn "How NOT to be"
or they just keep being the way they've always been
and demonstrating that behavior for others to learn....
And just because we have that demonstrated to us,
doesn't mean that there aren't consequences for acting like that....
There most definitely are. Those actions create barriers.
Most actions that are sabotaging create barriers.
The actions that are supportive lift barriers.
And yeah, it sucks having an unfair disadvantage
of 'not knowing any better..." But like I said....
Gotta start from where we ARE, can't start from where we ought to be
when we are not where we ought to be...
So a lot of this is just STARTING to make progress...
Yes, it really sucks doing a backslide because it feels like losing
all the progress that was made before the backslide....
I'm currently dealing with trying to overcome my frustrations
with feeling like I lost the progress I was making with myself
because I was trying to make progress elsewhere.
And I wasn't making any.
Mostly because I can only make so much progress
with people who aren't ready to progress....
And I can only make so much progress with myself
so when I feel like I've lost a lot of progress,
it feels like a big deal because it took so long and so much
to make the progress that I made, that I lost....
BUT... Some can argue:
Was it really progress made if you lost it?
Maybe it only FELT like I was making progress
when really the progress was really slow to begin with....
It can take a really long time to undo the mess we spent
our entire lives creating of our lives....
This is why progress is really slow until we create some momentum.
In this book I am reading about transitioning....
It says that early wins helps create momentum.
And we have to negotiate our success to determine
what an early win even looks like.
Because even a really small win...
Like doing something we wouldn't normally do....
Like backing down from a fight to desescalte it before it escalates....
Even when you usually want to and attempt to stand your ground
as firmly and harshly as you deemed necessary to 'get your points across.'
In the art of communication,
we don't actually have to DRIVE the points home to make our points....
Sometimes we can state things in the right way, at the right time
so that our points drive themselves home.
BUT... Then again, sometimes the light is on and NOBODY is home.
So sometimes we try to drive our points home to an empty house...
And when the cat is away, the mice will play....
The mice being their own distortions....
It is so hard to see a situation in it's true light
because everyone has their own view of it.
Differing views leave differing clues.
That's why we should listen and at least entertain
alternative points of view, even when we don't agree.
It's like people just want to argue, without the 'fighting'
but it always turns into a huge fight....
Yes, you have the right to your own point of view,
but if you don't/never at least think about it differently,
you might miss something...
It's just very difficult and frustrating trying to explain things
to people who either refuse to understand
or they do not have the capacity to even begin to understand.
Sometimes I wonder what category people are in...
All I know is that they are in one or another....
But there are some very rare people who completely understand....
So anyway, the breakthrough of today is that to transform,
and then transcend.... We have to transition....
Going from our old roles to our new roles.
Our old role of just existing and surviving have skills
that are different from the skillset that the new role
of thriving requires... So we develop the skillsets....
Which is what I am doing now. That is where I am at in my life.
Developing new skillsets for my new role.
For the next level of my new life...
Even if I find myself alone for the rest of my life....
At least I will have the time and space to develop myself more.
The relationships I have had have pretty much been co-dependant.
I depended too much on my partners to be what I could not be for myself.
People in co-dependant relationships depend on each other too much.
Especially for fulfillment in all ways, but especially emotionally.
Because they think and possibly believe that that's their only source
of fulfillment and they are not fulfilling themselves, especially emotionally.
I met a guy online once. Never met in person. We had a couple conversations.
He was starting to get very attached to me and it was uncomfortable.
I do not want to be the sole responsibility of anyone's happiness
or emotional security etc. That's not what I am here for.
I can support people, but they need to support themselves.
I get that people can get lonely... But when they get attached,
it gets really overwhelming for the person they are clinging to.
I had this issue with a lady who lives in my building.
Firstly, I have a hard time with boundaries.
Because I've never been taught how to set and enforce them.
So when people cross that with me, I retreat.
I wanted to spend less and less time with her
because she was trying to take up all my time
and she was trying to make me feel bad about wanting to be alone.
Like trying to make me feel guilty about not calling and visiting.
And I couldn't explain it to her
because she couldn't see how needy/clingy she was being.
Or how it was affecting me or anything. I didn't like it.
Don't want to be around people who try to manipulate my feelings.
Plus, I need to spend MY time for ME and what I want to do
and what is important to me.
I have a friend who always wants to hang out.
Last summer we spent quite a bit of time together
and I kept putting off my stuff to spend time with him
and he kept trying to force me to 'feel better'
because he didn't feel good that I didn't feel good
but I have the right to my own feelings
and I don't want people to demand that I smile
when I don't feel like smiling.
Like if you can't accept me as I am, don't try to change me.
But, I had to try to explain to him that I want to just be as I am.
I do not want to be controlled in any way.
Even when he thinks he is trying to help me. Just let me BE.
So I tried telling him and he doesn't 'get it.'
So I just stopped hanging out with him so much. I'm busy. I am.
It's not a lie, or an excuse, it is the truth.
I'm transitioning. He isn't.
He doesn't understand what transitioning is.
He doesn't understand that it takes time and a lot of work.
Time that I don't have just to go f*ck around and waste.
Sure, f*cking around can be 'fun' sometimes,
but I'm not here just to have fun.
I have work to do and a lot of it. It is serious business to me
and it's like everyone else sees it as optional when I see it as essential....
Like: "You could work on yourself... OR you could come out with me..."
And these are people who are not working on themselves.
Like some people have no discipline to even clean up after themselves....
But instead of developing the discipline, they just resign to the fact
that they just don't have it and don't learn anything....
I don't have that skill, or that advantage.... Guess I never will....
No, they won't. Because they don't want to give it to themselves
by making the effort to do the things differently
that lead to the biggest changes of their lives.
Nope. They'd just rather keep living exactly the way they have been.
Even when they aren't happy living the way they have been....
But... "They don't know any better..." So that is their excuse.
Instead of presenting themselves with alternatives...
"I could stay like this.... Or I can become like THAT."
It's always been up to them.
If they need someone to teach them, then they need to be taught.
If they don't want to be taught by me, it doesn't have to be me.
But they can teach themselves.
Because they have been all along.
They taught themselves to be the way they are
by doing things exactly the way they've been doing it.
Like being a lazy slob by being a lazy slob....
Being a productive asset by being a productive asset.
Being an assh*le by being an assh*le.
We learn how to be by being and becoming by becoming.
We don't learn first and then become.
We learn AS we become.
And we've already learned by becoming what we are TODAY, NOW.
There is more to learn. Every day. In every way.
Things that will HELP us so much...
That we can't even begin to understand how much...
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