Gut Reactions

Realized that all anxiety is... Is a gut reaction.
My gut reacting to things. Mostly my thoughts.
A lot has been fear based.
Fear of what others think of me.
Fear of being judged and everyone believing false sh*t about me.
Fear of rejection was a big one.
Lots of other fears. Doubts that creep up.
Like: "Wtf am I doing? Why am I here?"
Not in the existential crisis kind of thing,
but judging my own judgement.
Like: "Why did I do these things?"
"Why did I let things go this far?"
"Why am I not turning this around for myself?"
"Why am I still letting myself be so affected?"

Epecially by all this BULLSH*T?!
Do I really have time for any of this?! No.
Expressing myself to people who don't care...
People wanting to suck up my time when I have it
when I actually want to be alone,
it's like people want to hang out....
When I have other things to do.
I feel like I should just become a hermit.
Just hardly ever talk to anyone....
My gut reaction has me stuck in fear.
Fear of getting hurt again. Been hurt so much.
Yes, I want to have an open heart and an open mind,
but how open is too open?

I want to be completely open with people I trust,
but they don't get it.
Because most people just stay at a surface level.
I'm not a surface layer person.
I've always wanted to be allowed to go deep and explore the depths
with others, but they don't want to.
They try to stay away, run away... They refuse.

There was something someone posted to the effect of:
"Some day you will meet someone
who who isn't afraid of how much you love.
They will join you in the depths and not stay on the shore."

But now I am afraid. I'm afraid because I need to protect myself.
Not that we ever need to protect ourselves from love,
from all that is good, right, healthy...
It's from all that isn't what love is,
from all that is unhealthy to the point it is toxic.

Just because the patterns are unhealthy and the behavior is,
doesn't make the entire person toxic.
I want to believe that sometimes they know
that what they are doing is wrong, how they are acting,
how they are treating people....
And maybe it is the drugs and alcohol, not them.
When I quit drinking, I changed quite a bit.
We often don't realize how much something has been affecting us
until it is no longer affecting us.

And it's because they aren't meant to be or stay around, I guess.
That is why I'm being forced to move on.
I keep thinking that it is the way it is supposed to be,
but then I keep feeling differently about it.
Like "They'll realize that they treated me badly."
"One day they'll regret treating me the way they did."
But who's to say? Maybe they will never realize.
Because had they been aware...
They'd have done the right thing.
Not just come up with a billion f*cking excuses as to why they didn't.
Because I don't want to hear any more excuses. I've heard just about all of them.

Why make plans that you want to excuse yourself from?
Just to make it 'look like' you're 'trying'? People catch onto that.
People who aren't f*cking idiots. Who get sick of being lied to....

Anyway, all the more reason to just fade into the background....
Except when you are different, some people actually appreciate it.
So they don't want to 'let you go,'
even when you're so different that they don't want you.
Because they are scared of what others will think
and how they'd judge them for being with someone like me.
Just like my friends might judge me
for not walking away from someone who's been cruel to me.
Who has left me out in the cold far too many times....
It's like people who get left out in the cold
appreciate any flicker of warmth and they try for it
because they remember what warmth is like.
They remember the person they fell in love with
is capable of warmth, or sincerity, of kindness....
But they keep wondering why they got  left in the cold....
It's like those who get left out in the cold
leave others out in the cold.

I'm too scared to let anyone in, because I wanted to be let in
and instead I got shut out and I'm still freezing to death.
Like since I'm freezing to death, I may as well just accept that.
I don't want to get to the door
and have it slammed in my face again. I do not need any false hope.
It's been enough torture and torment.

When people show you they don't want you, believe them.
Because it doesn't matter what they say
if they are going to continually take you for granted.
If they are going to stand you up.
If they are going to waste your time.
If they are going to keep you waiting for too long, for nothing.
If they are going to get all pissy when you go out with your friends
like YOU are doing something wrong
when they can't even be a FRIEND to you....
When they disrespect you and keep doing it...
They've SHOWN you. Let them show you what kind of person they are.

And I'm the person who doesn't give up easily
because I like to see the good in people
and it generally outweighs the bullsh*t.
But I also want others to see the good in me and APPRECIATE it.
Because there's a lot of bullsh*t.

Here's the thing... People will get SICK of their own SH*T
but few will do anything about it.
Because they want to make THEIR shit about others.
Like "YOU are painting me as an assh*le."
Instead of "Hey, sorry I've been being an assh*le."
"I don't actually want to be an assh*le.
Please be patient with me while I learn
how to stop being an assh*le."

But instead of learning "how not to be an assh*le"
they just keep being an assh*le because it's easier
to just keep being one than to learn how not to be one.

So you still love the person because they aren't ALWAYS an assh*le,
but you just really wish they would realize the impact
that being an assh*le has on people who wish they weren't an assh*le.
Especially when people who do not deserve
to be treated that way get treated that way...

Someone asked me: "How much is too much?"
Like "When will you know that you've had too much?"
It has already hurt way too much.
Yet I want to forgive and try to.
But how much should I forgive?
How forgiving should I be?
What should be forgiven? Everything?
Even the things that hurt us the most?

How much of it is self-sabotage?
Should I forgive a person for sabotaging themselves?
Should I forgive myself for sabotaging myself?
If I should forgive myself, then why shouldn't I forgive someone else?
Forgiveness is hard either way.
Until it gets easier.

A lot of the anxiety is resistance.
Not sure why I am resisting things.

Like waking up every day feeling anxious.
The emotion at the other end of the spectrum is excitement.
There hasn't been a whole lot to be excited about.
It seems that every time I look forward to something,
it gets taken away from me.

Like when I look forward to seeing someone, and they 'stand me up.'
Or look forward to doing something, it gets 'cancelled.'

My father did that to me one too many times.
So I told my mother I didn't want to see him anymore.
I couldn't take the constant let downs.
Like it gets to the point that they know they are letting you down
but they keep doing it and doing it and doing it.
Because you still want to see them.
You never not wanted to see them,
but for whatever reason,
they think that there's no consequences.
I regret that I stopped seeing my father.
But I had to protect my heart.
He was breaking it.
Without a thought to how that felt.
"My own father doesn't want to see me?!
I'm not worth it to him to make it up to me?!"
And this is the feeling I get every single time
someone stands me up and doesn't make it up to me.
I feel like that little girl waiting for her father to come get her...
Waiting ALL F*CKING DAY!!!!
For that one person I WANTED TO SEE & BE WITH...
Who showed me they didn't want to see & be with me...
And ALL my family treats me the same way.
They don't visit. They don't call. I don't exist.
Until I have MONEY or until I have a place to live when they don't.
Until I have something they want.
And they think they have the right to ask
and as generous as I am, I give and give and give.
But when I want something... Forget it.
And all I wanted was them to make the TIME for me.
MAKE THE EFFORT. IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
That is all. So I stopped making the effort for those
who were not making the effort for me.

But that is how people get to an impasse.
"Well you don't talk to me, so I stopped talking to you."
So they just don't talk, anymore...
If they ever really did...

People have already formed their opinions of me.
Without really getting to know me.
Even my family doesn't really know me.
They only know one side of me. That they've seen.
I rarely show all of me. This is pretty much all of me.
When I show people, they don't like it. It's too real
that they think I'm being fake.
Like every time I speak from my heart and soul
it's like they think I'm speaking out of my ass.
Probably because they don't allow themselves
to speak from their hearts and souls.
I refuse to believe than anyone is heartless.
It's whether or not they listen to their heart, or follow it,
or where it even leads them... Everyone has a heart.

It's that when people are in protection mode....
They start believing that they need to stay there.
For 'their own good.' So they'll never get hurt again,
but they end up hurting others.
By acting like they don't care. Even if they do.
I never understood why people act like they don't care if they do.
If someone is acting like they don't care,
isn't it safe to assume that they really actually don't?

"Walls keep people out.
Boundaries show people where the door is."

It's like for the most part, people keep me out.
Then they show me a little glimmer of warmth here and there.
Just enough to question whether or not
they are completely made of ice....
Just feels like it's going to be a really long winter.