It's the awkwardness, I know.
But I don't know how not to be awkward. Or awkweird.
My messages probably create uneasiness.
Not all people want to talk about more serious things,
or very deeply, like I do.
I'm just not into the shallowness... Or the fakery, like I said.
"If you make mistakes in the emotional messages you send,
you get rebuffed and don't know why." Story of my life.
"End up feeling like no sense of control over how others treat you."
Also story of my life.
"That their actions have no impact on what happens to them."
"It leaves them feeling powerless and depressed."
There's a difference in approach used by popular kids and social outcasts.
I haven't told anyone this before, but I used to be in Girl Guides.
The ones that sell the cookies. I dropped out of it.
Mostly because I didn't fit in with the other girls.
I was on the outside looking in and it didn't feel right or good.
So I just told my mother that I didn't want to keep going to it.
I knew I had a hard time fitting in with other girls before that.
It wasn't even my idea to join it, but I did it. I tried.
I always felt more comfortable with guys than with females.
But that came with other problems.
Like some awkwardness when one of us started having feelings
that the other didn't feel or whatever.
That's happened many times.
It's rare when it hasn't and when we could just be friends
without any of that even coming up.
So I thought that hanging out with guys who already had a wife or girlfriend
might be a solution to that, but that created problems, too.
Because their wives and girlfriends thought I was trying to take their men.
Which I wasn't. I was just trying to have a guy friend
without catching feelings or without them catching feelings.
Sometimes that didn't even work.
And I felt bad that they were attracted to me
when they already had someone.
Sometimes I think it would have been easier to hang out with guys
if I was one or if I was into girls or something, but I'm neither.
I'm going to try a different kind of writing exercise tomorrow.
Of course I'm still going to blog, too.
But I think what I have planned might help, in a way.
But I don't know how not to be awkward. Or awkweird.
My messages probably create uneasiness.
Not all people want to talk about more serious things,
or very deeply, like I do.
I'm just not into the shallowness... Or the fakery, like I said.
"If you make mistakes in the emotional messages you send,
you get rebuffed and don't know why." Story of my life.
"End up feeling like no sense of control over how others treat you."
Also story of my life.
"That their actions have no impact on what happens to them."
"It leaves them feeling powerless and depressed."
There's a difference in approach used by popular kids and social outcasts.
I haven't told anyone this before, but I used to be in Girl Guides.
The ones that sell the cookies. I dropped out of it.
Mostly because I didn't fit in with the other girls.
I was on the outside looking in and it didn't feel right or good.
So I just told my mother that I didn't want to keep going to it.
I knew I had a hard time fitting in with other girls before that.
It wasn't even my idea to join it, but I did it. I tried.
I always felt more comfortable with guys than with females.
But that came with other problems.
Like some awkwardness when one of us started having feelings
that the other didn't feel or whatever.
That's happened many times.
It's rare when it hasn't and when we could just be friends
without any of that even coming up.
So I thought that hanging out with guys who already had a wife or girlfriend
might be a solution to that, but that created problems, too.
Because their wives and girlfriends thought I was trying to take their men.
Which I wasn't. I was just trying to have a guy friend
without catching feelings or without them catching feelings.
Sometimes that didn't even work.
And I felt bad that they were attracted to me
when they already had someone.
Sometimes I think it would have been easier to hang out with guys
if I was one or if I was into girls or something, but I'm neither.
I'm going to try a different kind of writing exercise tomorrow.
Of course I'm still going to blog, too.
But I think what I have planned might help, in a way.
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