Relief

"Relief is the release of resistance."
There have been a few times I felt relieved.
Stepping away from some things, if only to look at them
from another perspective.

And yes, I need more time to figure this stuff out.
To figure out why I've been thinking and feeling, even acting the way I have been.
I do see the unhealthiness in a lot of it. Most of it.
I know that taking it to the other extreme is only momentary.
It's not addressing the issues I clearly have.

While some things can be helpful, other things are not.
Basically, faking it until I make it isn't going to work.

Like being so isolated isn't the best for my mental health,
but being around people who don't and can't 'get' me
isn't exactly the greatest either.
If it wasn't for this training program, I'd be alone so much more.

And I have to stop looking at being alone as a bad thing,
but it just doesn't feel very good when it isn't exactly a choice.
If I had the choice, I'd be going out with friends
at least once a week or every couple of weeks,
or even once a month.
I'd be getting phone calls, social invitations,
having more deep, meaningful, conversations.
Developing bonds and strengthening them.

But I have to stop wanting all that because I made how I feel
depend on that somehow to the point that it doesn't feel good
to be excluded and just not wanted or whatever.
I know that none of that actually matters all that much.
I made it matter because I felt like that's what's been missing in my life.
The times I used to go drinking with friends...
It was just because we had that one thing in common.
When I quit, they stopped calling and inviting me to go out.
They just wanted someone to drink with. So they found someone else.
That was their idea of having a "good time."

The thing is that I'm not good at pretending to be something I'm not.
I can't pretend to be the kind of person people want to be around.
Because I can only be myself and I've been told:
"Just be yourself. Enough of the right people will like you."
Liking me and wanting to be around me are two different things.
People can think I'm "okay." But they aren't asking me to make plans.

I can't shift my persona to match signals or whatever.
I mean, I could, but then I'd be being someone I'm not.
I'd be playing people against themselves basically. I'd rather be real.
But people are too afraid of real. They don't like it.
"She must be faking. Nobody can be that real."
Well I don't know what they think and it shouldn't even bother me at all.
Maybe there's a reason why I push people away.
Maybe sometimes they push themselves away.

Yes, I still have my weak moments and people seem to hate that.
But I'm still learning my own strength.
I'm probably a lot stronger than I realize.
It's that I'm insecure about myself.
I got that way from being so affected by other people's reactions to me.
And lack thereof... Which is often worse.
Because it leaves me hanging and guessing all the time.
I'd rather just know. Honesty is appreciated.
It triggers my habit of jumping to conclusions
as well as those other thought distortions.

And it's not like I'm trying to impress everyone.
I don't have to be liked by everyone.
Just a few solid connections are all I need in life.

There was something about "Bear witness to your own heart."
I can't remember where it came from, but it is about
the fact that we can validate our own feelings
so that we don't and won't need anyone to validate them for us.
Something like this.
For a long time, I felt like my feelings weren't even valid,
because I got very little validation emotionally from anyone.
Except maybe a very few relationships
and that is why I sought relationships.
I wasn't bearing witness to my own heart
and wanting that from someone else....

I told someone today that he's not responsible for how I feel. About anything.
I haven't heard back from him. I might not.
I don't have to expect to, or want to, or even hope to.
I don't have to even think about that anymore. It is a relief.
Knowing that I don't have to do those things.
I also don't have to wait for a reply.
I don't have to feel bad about not getting a reply.
I don't even have to feel bad about the fact he hasn't read it, yet.
I don't have to feel anything about it.

Yes, it'd be nice to have some acknowledgement
from people I care about and be cared about.
It's okay that they care about others more than they care about me.
It's okay if they don't care about me at all.
Because I don't have to care about that.

Yes, I still value certain things, like bonds.
Bonding, caring, kindness, etc.
Understanding, appreciation, etc.
But am I trying to strengthen the bond I have with myself? No.
How much do I care about myself
compared to how much I care about others?
Am I being kind to myself?
Do I understand or appreciate myself?
Am I doing anything about fulfilling my own emotional needs?
Sometimes, but not always.

But each time I do, it's like practice.
Towards the development of a skill.
Towards the development of a skillset.
Towards the development of a mindset.
All of it gets strengthened each time I do it.
If that means talking to myself, then yeah, I'll do that.
Talking myself into feeling better, not worse.
I'm very good at talking myself into feeling bad, then worse.
Because I've done that for many years.
Talking myself into feeling better takes practice, too.
But when you become able to do that, it is a relief.
It feels better to be able to talk yourself into feeling better.
It feels better knowing it is a skill that you have.
All skills help you feel confident.

That's the big part of why I got into the program.
To develop skills so that I can feel confident in a kitchen.
So that I can have the skills that might turn into abilities.
Sure, it's cool to be able to crochet and knit,
but cooking is an important skill. Very important.

Anyway, I have to try to get ready for bed soon.
I have to get up early tomorrow.
Probably going to get 'grilled' again.