Only Human

So I confessed that I screwed up and a friend told me that we're only human.
Which was somewhat conforting. Humans make mistakes.
Otherwise we wouldn't be humans.

Been trying to find my path of least resistance today,
so I did some crocheting and listened to music.
Talked to a couple of people. It helped somewhat.
Have to try to go to bed early tonight.
I don't see myself able to sleep. But I have to.
I can sleep when I get home if I don't get enough sleep though.
But I need sleep since I have a huge headache.

Headache and heartache. Yay. Fun times.
This is why I'm trying to lose myself in other things.
But it's hard to just stop thinking about this stuff.

I looked up what it meant about dreaming about snakes.
Because I rarely ever have snakes in my dreams.
It was something about transformation occuring.

I guess I'm just really frustrated in many ways.
I got knocked off my path and I let that happen.
So been kind of mad at myself, even though, it happens.
So I have to recommit to it and just go back, if I can get there again.

Someone else said: "Don't believe everything you think."
My mind's been all over the place. Thinking things about myself,
thinking things about others. Thinking things that probably aren't true.
And they are definitely not helpful.
It's not about things not turning out the way I had hoped they would
so much as I had hoped for something that was probably unrealistic.
Also I let it get the better of me, again.

This is why I took a break to think about things.
Because I didn't want my scattered thoughts to impede
what work I could get done or whatever,
but it is a lesson that contributes to the work.
To just mind my own business, pretty much.
And what others think, do, and even don't do
isn't really any of my business unless it involves me.
Or unless it affects me and in this case it does.
But only to the degree that I let it.
And apparently I'm letting it affect me a lot.
The same kind of effects similiar situations have had on me.

Which is interesting to observe,
and what goes unacknowledged cannot be changed.
That was one of those things. That I got from Tarot.
The Two of Swords.
For this month, I got the Queen of Swords.
Intensity in reverse also.

Basically, it's about developing the skills of being cool and calm,
gaining control over the mind.
Independance, unbiased judgment, clear boundaries,
and direct communication.

I'm trying to leave judgment out of it, completely.
Because it just is what it is.
If anything I've been judging myself for my own actions.
The reactions I had were based on opinions I had.
Which I didn't have to have, but I did.
Everything happened exactly the way it had to happen.

The boundaries thing... I have a thing or two to learn there.
And communication has been improving, actually.

It also says that to make sense out of my environment
will help me to better understand others. Which is what I ultimately want, too.
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
Most people just seek to be understood.
It's mostly a misunderstanding because I've been missing information
that could have been helpful.
From others, from myself, from the situation etc.
That is the benefit of direct communication.

It also represents mental clarity and intellectual power.
Combined with maturity and receptiveness.
I haven't been the most mature about it or receptive, either.
Because my feelings keep getting in the way.
It's been so confusing. Because I want clarity.
I want certainty and clarity in my dealings with people
and most people aren't forthcoming.
They don't say: "This is what I think. This is how I feel."
And they tend to avoid having discussions like this.
Other important information includes:
"This is why I think this. This is why I feel this."

So anyway, to get clear on it for myself,
I have to have a similar conversation with myself.
To discover exactly what and why I think what I think,
and what and why I feel what I feel.
Because only then will I know enough to maybe be able to communicate it.
If I even get the chance to, if it will be received. It might not.
It might not even matter to anyone, but me. Which is fine.
It's better to know than not to know. For my own sake.
Which is why I want to dig into it and explore it. On my own.
Without getting so emotional about it.
Yes, I had a lot of emotional reactions to emotional confusion.
Which is typical of me. Honestly.
Which is why I want to examine it so I can do something
to lift this curse once and for all.
Because I do not enjoy these emotions or the thoughts that go with them.
Or the thoughts that fuel them, either.
"Don't believe everything you think."
"Don't believe everything you feel, either."
That has to be some of the best advice I've gotten today.
And it wasn't even meant for me. Just randomness.
But sometimes the best stuff you find just happens to be thrown out there.
Just to see what sticks, I guess.

"The more we know, the more we can do with what we know."