More Of A Function

Don't know where to start. Maybe with a dream I had.
My apartment was bigger and open to the public
and people would gather here to listen to the daily astrology report,
but they wouldn't go into my bedroom or touch any of my stuff.

There was a couple who was coming here. I knew the guy,
but his girlfriend never met me before
so she was all thinking I was trying to steal her boyfriend
and I was trying to win her trust because I was only interested
in her boyfriend as a friend
and I was trying to explain to her that I get along with guys better
than with other girls. So she and I smoke some pot on my balcony.
I rarely dream about marijuana, or getting high.

Another part of my dream, I was going to my program,
but it was in a different building and we had to go through a long hallway,
that had many doors I had to go through,
doors like in a school, but to go through them, there was a flap at the bottom.
It was so weird! But I had to keep doing it to get there.

Another part of my dream was I got to see who reads my blog.
It was neat. I do have some readers now, started off with none, then a few,
now I have some. Thanks for being one!

Anyway, I woke up earlier than I had to today, but I got to sleep in.
On Wednesdays we have a class instead of kitchen shifts.
Which is nice in the middle of the week on a breakfast week. Breaks it up.
There's a couple of reviews today and a quiz.
So hopefully it is as easy as it was the last one.
I was all worried about it because I thought it was going to be hard. It wasn't.

I read something today:

"True life mastery is more of a function
of knowing what to want,
than knowing how to get what we want."

It spoke to me because I had stopped wanting certain things
and I was doing great for a while,
but when I started wanting some things I wanted for a really long time...
All kinds of burried feelings and other stuff started coming up with that
and it got to be too much for me. It started kicking my ass so bad
that it was handing my ass to me. All over the place.

It got so bad that I actually asked for help with it.
Asking for help isn't something I like to do.
People in my life have refused to help me. It pissed me off.
Because every time they asked me for anything, I was there. For THEM.
It pissed me off because I saw how little they cared.

But.... Here's the thing.... I wanted them to care.
That is what I wanted. One of the things I wanted.
I have no control over whether someone cares or not.

There was something else I read yesterday.
Something about honoring their need to be on their own paths.

Yes, sometimes our paths cross, but theirs is theirs. Mine is mine.
Yes, sometimes I want people to be on my path. With me.
But they are still on their own trajectories, I'm on mine.
They are still making their own choices, I am making mine.
Then there was something about learning to appreciate their choices.
Even when they aren't the ones we would have wanted them to make.

Because... When we truly appreciate it, no matter what it is...
We aren't affected by it in any negative way.

There's some other stuff that goes with this,
but for whatever reason, I can't seem to put it into words.
I feel like I'm getting closer to the breakthrough I've been wanting.