I was at that juncture for a while.
Wanting to give someone a chance who wasn't taking it.
But at the same time, I was't giving myself much of a chance.
And felt like they weren't giving me a chance, either.
So I stepped back enough to look at things differently.
Knowing the importance of things that I could be doing...
And also knowing the importance of the power of could vs should...
Should is one of the words I used to judge myself a lot.
Judging myself for not doing or not having done
the things I felt like I should have done or should be doing...
Could on the other hand gives me the option to choose to do those.
And not judge myself for it.
Knowing that we have options and choices is also important.
There was something I read about in this book today
about automatic thoughts.
"Background assumptions about oneself and the people in one's life
that reflect our deepest emotional attitudes."
I was thinking about this today, well over the last few days...
Wondering why I tend to jump to conclusions so easily.
Even though I know it's self destructive.
It has ruined lots of good things I had in my life.
I see the pattern of the destruction, but have to figure out the causes.
It's all underlying, lying underneath some beliefs I have
that are seriously unhealthy and outdated.
But add this to conflicting views.
Like two people who want to come together but know they have certain barriers.
Whether they are personal AND interpersonal, or one over the other.
So for their own reasons they don't end up coming together.
Even though they actually want to and just... It doesn't happen.
On top of each of them having their own views, beliefs, needs, desires, etc.
One might need something the other doesn't,
or want something the other doesn't,
or believe something the other doesn't,
or see something a way that the other doesn't.
They say opposites attract. It happens and has happened.
It just can make things extremely challenging.
Confusion comes from conflicting thing.
Even though they don't want to confuse or hurt each other, either.
I'm writing about this because there is a part I'm reading
about how marriages fail due to lack of emotional understanding.
Also because I've seen some things in myself about some past relationships.
That will and can probably interfere with future relationships, if they happen.
AND because I've been watching a show called:
Last Chance For Romance.
It's a show about couples' counselling. It's interesting.
So there's a couple in this study where the psychologist is tracking them.
They have the messages they relay to each other,
and the messages that they do not relay to each other.
The things that they feel that are related to their hidden thoughts
that don't get expressed.
I've wanted to really open up a bunch of times,
but fear that people will walk away or refuse to talk or even listen
has prevented me from REALLY opening up.
On here, I'm pretty open. I have nothing to really lose
by opening up on here.
At the same time though, when I try to open up to specific people,
and show my vulnerability, they see it as a weakness
and their reaction is to run from it, avoid it, pretend like it doesn't exist
which doesn't give me the validation that I wanted to begin with.
Because, to me, it helps them understand me better.
In my mind, it does, but maybe they'd rather not see that side of me.
So I realize that every time I really want to tell someone how I feel,
I have to be really careful.
People do not handle it well because it is uncomfortable for them.
But at the same time... I am seeing things in myself
from withdrawing from my need to be expressive
to people who aren't all that receptive.
Yes, I would love to be REALLY open and honest
about how I feel without anyone feeling attacked or whatever.
"This is how I feel and why I feel this way."
Instead of them thinking I'm saying "You're making me feel this way."
Because that's not what I'm saying. But that's what they tend to hear me say.
So I run the risk of never being heard or understood
for these communication barriers
and I also run the risk of never connecting with someone
on the level that I really wish I could connect with them on.
But... Everyone is on their own level.
I was thinking about this, too.
People who are either close to being or on the same level
feel closer, but they are often attracted to someone
who is on a higher level than them, or a deeper level.
Ideally, I'd be with someone who has a vulnerable side,
but isn't totally vulnerable to the point that they aren't strong enough
to deal with their own stuff.
Like I would like to be able to draw from their strength, when I need to.
And I would like for them to draw from mine without draining each other.
If that makes sense.
But I would also like to be able to show them that I'm not always strong.
And not be expected to be the strongest all the time.
I meant strongest version of myself, not strongest in the relationship.
I want to be able to REALLY talk about some deep stuff.
Not just the spirituality stuff, but like deep personal things.
Because it would be really self-affirming, and the bonding stuff.
But people don't like to go deep. They'd rather stay on the surface.
So I don't get to share my deep feelings or my deep thoughts with anyone.
Except for my readers, and even then... It's still not as deep as I'd like to go.
So the best thing I came up with regarding these desires
is to try to dettach from them, because I saw some things coming up.
I see it every now and then in myself... I don't like it,
but it's like I'm trying to hide and fight and repress a huge part of me.
In the hopes and attempts to keep certain people in my life.
Who I'd probably scare away if I ever ended up even trying to go deeper.
They'd get scared that I was trying to get too close to them, too fast.
Even if it wasn't too fast... People like to have a distance
between them and other people on an emotional level.
Probably because being in someone's heart also f*cks with their head.
So people resist that, resist letting anyone in.
I can relate on both levels, though.
Being the one who wants to be let in,
and being the one who isn't being let in,
and being the one who isn't letting many or most people in.
I see it from all three sides. There are probably more sides, too.
Dettaching isn't a bad thing. It's the only thing I can really do in the situation.
Because it's like either continue caring too much and risk losing everything,
even though there isn't much to lose except a possibility.
Not even an opportunity, just a possibility. Which is better than nothing,
but it's definitely not what I wanted... I wanted the opportunity.
But anyway, it's better that I see this now. For what it is.
All my stupid tendacies coming up to f*ck with me.
And f*ck the opportunity if there ever was one,
which I've been having my doubts about. Lately.
On top of that, I've been extermely impatient.
When things go too slow or aren't going anywhere, I get impatient.
I can wait if I know there's something to wait for,
but if not, I'd rather not waste my time.
Which is why I would rather know, either way.
Instead of waiting and waiting and waiting
only to find out I was waiting for nothing.
Anyway, I realize very few people are going to understand me,
or take the time to really get to know me,
or even put themselves out there for me to get to know.
The kind of connection I've wanted, that I had a few times...
It doesn't come around very often.
Also connections can become disconnected.
Due to misunderstandings, miscommunication, lack of communication
among other things... Even fears that come up that never get discussed.
Sometimes I think that if more people read my blog,
the more people would see this side or me,
the side I rarely express or show to anyone.
Then they'd understand me so much better,
but I get that some people just won't take the time.
Besides, it's not like I tell everyone about it.
It's not like I even blog under my actual name, either.
I think a lot of my hiding comes from having deep insecurity issues.
I've even pushed people away who were trying to and wanting to be close to me.
Either because it was something about their approach,
or something about me that came up...
But that is another good thing to bring up... Approach.
Mine hasn't been the best. I don't know how to approach people
or certain topics and the ones I want to approach,
are the ones others want to avoid.
At any rate, I'm glad I get to express these things in some form.
I'd rather talk about them in actual conversations,
but people do not like talking about these things.
"How's the weather? What have you been up to? How's it going?"
Never any "How do you feel about this? Can we talk about this?
I really want to talk about this thing I've been struggling with.
I really want to get your insights about this..."
It just leaves a lot to be desired and it's not very satisfying for me.
So I just write about it. In hopes that maybe someone will understand.
Maybe think and/or feel the same way.
Maybe get inspired to do some writing and share their own thoughts etc.
Wanting to give someone a chance who wasn't taking it.
But at the same time, I was't giving myself much of a chance.
And felt like they weren't giving me a chance, either.
So I stepped back enough to look at things differently.
Knowing the importance of things that I could be doing...
And also knowing the importance of the power of could vs should...
Should is one of the words I used to judge myself a lot.
Judging myself for not doing or not having done
the things I felt like I should have done or should be doing...
Could on the other hand gives me the option to choose to do those.
And not judge myself for it.
Knowing that we have options and choices is also important.
There was something I read about in this book today
about automatic thoughts.
"Background assumptions about oneself and the people in one's life
that reflect our deepest emotional attitudes."
I was thinking about this today, well over the last few days...
Wondering why I tend to jump to conclusions so easily.
Even though I know it's self destructive.
It has ruined lots of good things I had in my life.
I see the pattern of the destruction, but have to figure out the causes.
It's all underlying, lying underneath some beliefs I have
that are seriously unhealthy and outdated.
But add this to conflicting views.
Like two people who want to come together but know they have certain barriers.
Whether they are personal AND interpersonal, or one over the other.
So for their own reasons they don't end up coming together.
Even though they actually want to and just... It doesn't happen.
On top of each of them having their own views, beliefs, needs, desires, etc.
One might need something the other doesn't,
or want something the other doesn't,
or believe something the other doesn't,
or see something a way that the other doesn't.
They say opposites attract. It happens and has happened.
It just can make things extremely challenging.
Confusion comes from conflicting thing.
Even though they don't want to confuse or hurt each other, either.
I'm writing about this because there is a part I'm reading
about how marriages fail due to lack of emotional understanding.
Also because I've seen some things in myself about some past relationships.
That will and can probably interfere with future relationships, if they happen.
AND because I've been watching a show called:
Last Chance For Romance.
It's a show about couples' counselling. It's interesting.
So there's a couple in this study where the psychologist is tracking them.
They have the messages they relay to each other,
and the messages that they do not relay to each other.
The things that they feel that are related to their hidden thoughts
that don't get expressed.
I've wanted to really open up a bunch of times,
but fear that people will walk away or refuse to talk or even listen
has prevented me from REALLY opening up.
On here, I'm pretty open. I have nothing to really lose
by opening up on here.
At the same time though, when I try to open up to specific people,
and show my vulnerability, they see it as a weakness
and their reaction is to run from it, avoid it, pretend like it doesn't exist
which doesn't give me the validation that I wanted to begin with.
Because, to me, it helps them understand me better.
In my mind, it does, but maybe they'd rather not see that side of me.
So I realize that every time I really want to tell someone how I feel,
I have to be really careful.
People do not handle it well because it is uncomfortable for them.
But at the same time... I am seeing things in myself
from withdrawing from my need to be expressive
to people who aren't all that receptive.
Yes, I would love to be REALLY open and honest
about how I feel without anyone feeling attacked or whatever.
"This is how I feel and why I feel this way."
Instead of them thinking I'm saying "You're making me feel this way."
Because that's not what I'm saying. But that's what they tend to hear me say.
So I run the risk of never being heard or understood
for these communication barriers
and I also run the risk of never connecting with someone
on the level that I really wish I could connect with them on.
But... Everyone is on their own level.
I was thinking about this, too.
People who are either close to being or on the same level
feel closer, but they are often attracted to someone
who is on a higher level than them, or a deeper level.
Ideally, I'd be with someone who has a vulnerable side,
but isn't totally vulnerable to the point that they aren't strong enough
to deal with their own stuff.
Like I would like to be able to draw from their strength, when I need to.
And I would like for them to draw from mine without draining each other.
If that makes sense.
But I would also like to be able to show them that I'm not always strong.
And not be expected to be the strongest all the time.
I meant strongest version of myself, not strongest in the relationship.
I want to be able to REALLY talk about some deep stuff.
Not just the spirituality stuff, but like deep personal things.
Because it would be really self-affirming, and the bonding stuff.
But people don't like to go deep. They'd rather stay on the surface.
So I don't get to share my deep feelings or my deep thoughts with anyone.
Except for my readers, and even then... It's still not as deep as I'd like to go.
So the best thing I came up with regarding these desires
is to try to dettach from them, because I saw some things coming up.
I see it every now and then in myself... I don't like it,
but it's like I'm trying to hide and fight and repress a huge part of me.
In the hopes and attempts to keep certain people in my life.
Who I'd probably scare away if I ever ended up even trying to go deeper.
They'd get scared that I was trying to get too close to them, too fast.
Even if it wasn't too fast... People like to have a distance
between them and other people on an emotional level.
Probably because being in someone's heart also f*cks with their head.
So people resist that, resist letting anyone in.
I can relate on both levels, though.
Being the one who wants to be let in,
and being the one who isn't being let in,
and being the one who isn't letting many or most people in.
I see it from all three sides. There are probably more sides, too.
Dettaching isn't a bad thing. It's the only thing I can really do in the situation.
Because it's like either continue caring too much and risk losing everything,
even though there isn't much to lose except a possibility.
Not even an opportunity, just a possibility. Which is better than nothing,
but it's definitely not what I wanted... I wanted the opportunity.
But anyway, it's better that I see this now. For what it is.
All my stupid tendacies coming up to f*ck with me.
And f*ck the opportunity if there ever was one,
which I've been having my doubts about. Lately.
On top of that, I've been extermely impatient.
When things go too slow or aren't going anywhere, I get impatient.
I can wait if I know there's something to wait for,
but if not, I'd rather not waste my time.
Which is why I would rather know, either way.
Instead of waiting and waiting and waiting
only to find out I was waiting for nothing.
Anyway, I realize very few people are going to understand me,
or take the time to really get to know me,
or even put themselves out there for me to get to know.
The kind of connection I've wanted, that I had a few times...
It doesn't come around very often.
Also connections can become disconnected.
Due to misunderstandings, miscommunication, lack of communication
among other things... Even fears that come up that never get discussed.
Sometimes I think that if more people read my blog,
the more people would see this side or me,
the side I rarely express or show to anyone.
Then they'd understand me so much better,
but I get that some people just won't take the time.
Besides, it's not like I tell everyone about it.
It's not like I even blog under my actual name, either.
I think a lot of my hiding comes from having deep insecurity issues.
I've even pushed people away who were trying to and wanting to be close to me.
Either because it was something about their approach,
or something about me that came up...
But that is another good thing to bring up... Approach.
Mine hasn't been the best. I don't know how to approach people
or certain topics and the ones I want to approach,
are the ones others want to avoid.
At any rate, I'm glad I get to express these things in some form.
I'd rather talk about them in actual conversations,
but people do not like talking about these things.
"How's the weather? What have you been up to? How's it going?"
Never any "How do you feel about this? Can we talk about this?
I really want to talk about this thing I've been struggling with.
I really want to get your insights about this..."
It just leaves a lot to be desired and it's not very satisfying for me.
So I just write about it. In hopes that maybe someone will understand.
Maybe think and/or feel the same way.
Maybe get inspired to do some writing and share their own thoughts etc.
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