Just a little bit here and there. Small changes lead to bigger changes.
We can't do a complete 180 degree turn in one day.
Maybe it takes 180 days. Maybe 180 weeks.
Maybe 180 months, but....
Here's the thing... Smaller things can take 180 hours.
Or 180 minutes. Even 180 seconds...
There's a guy in my group. He was talking about
how he's dreading next week because we have to start at 6am
and do the breakfast shift....
Dread is a state of mind just like delight.
It depends on how we look at it.
So this thing that I've been writing about...
An experience... Or rather lack thereof...
Thinking all kinds of things, jumping to conclusions...
I ran the gambit of mental distortions on this thing.
Because it was important to me.
It was something that I really wanted.
But it just didn't happen.
Then my mind started making up reasons for why it didn't.
It was literally a button that got pushed
when certain other buttons didn't get pushed.
My "WTF" button kept getting pushed,
not any of my "Hell Yes!" buttons.
But I wasn't pushing my "Hell Yes!" buttons.
I wanted someone to come along and push them for me.
I wanted some delightful shared experiences.
But my "WTF" button kept getting pushed like it got jammed or something.
And all my what the f*cks started becoming why the f*cks.
Which is probably how it got jammed.
There have been very few times since I've been back in Ottawa
that I've actually felt good.
Yesterday and today I've had a sense of relief.
Which has helped me feel better than how I've been feeling.
I know that a lot of it is seasonal, too. I'm not a fan of winter
and it's been snowing BALLS lately. F*ck off already!
Anyway, the point is that I had to make a choice
which was hard for me to make
in order to have or give myself that sense of relief.
Someone said: "Some things are easier to step away from than others."
Yes, I agree. I'll add this, too:
"Some things are easier to step towards than others."
A step at a time. Today it could be about finding better feeling thoughts.
Tomorrow it could just be finding easier ways to feel better.
And that's all anyone really wants. To feel better.
But we can't go from extremely disappointed to elated on a dime.
Especially if we are more familiar with disappointment
than we are with elation.
I mean the things I wanted that weren't happening
could have happened, but they didn't. It wasn't even a huge deal.
It just was something that I waited for... For such a long time.
And yes, I wanted to have something nice to look forward to.
To even have a reason to be excited.
You know when you haven't seen an old friend for like 20 years...
And you just want to see this person...
And everything seems to be conspiring against this reunion?
Yet, I was taking it to heart. I really was.
If they really wanted to see me, they'd want to make plans...
I keep thinking this with EVERYONE though,
because it is so rare that ANYONE actually wants to make plans with me.
So this is why it really mattered to me
and why I was actually looking forward to it.
Because I've wanted someone in my life
who WANTS to be in it, period.
But because I keep taking it to heart that there isn't
and feeling like there must be something ABOUT me
that just repels everyone, I was repelling everyone.
Yes, I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel like people want to see me and be with me.
Even if it's just something simple. Talking, going for a walk.
Just being together. Something nice. A nice time.
Go have a coffee with a friend. Something.
And be the one who gets the invitation
instead of trying to invite and getting rejected.
Or the "Let's go do something..." Then the waiting and waiting and waiting.
Like here's some hope that we'll actually get together and we don't...
I have wanted some semblance of a social life for years and years.
But it's like because I want it, I can't have it.
Which seems to make me want it more.
Which makes me even less likely to have it.
But feeling alone does not feel good to me.
Repelling people does not feel good to me.
So then what? Find ways to feel better about myself
that have very little to do with anyone.
Yes, I have certain emotional needs that I have to fulfill.
Whether I'm alone, whether people come into my life
who actually appreciate me as a person, a friend.
How can anyone see me as more than a friend if they can't see me as a friend?
And perhaps this old friend just happens to be the first guy I ever had a crush on
who I've known since I was like 2 or 3 years old.
And perhaps I know that I don't actually need anyone in my life.
And perhaps I know that I have to feel good on my own. No matter what.
No matter if I never get a phone call from him.
No matter if I never get to see him or hear his voice again.
NO MATTER WHAT!!!
But you see, I'm easily affected by things it seems.
I made this mistake a billion times.
I've caused my own suffering.
Because this isn't f*cking high school
and so what?! I didn't get to go to the party
because I wasn't invited and it didn't occur to him that
I wanted to go with him.
That I wanted him to ask me ONCE, just ONCE.
We're not kids anymore. It's not like it used to be.
But I was suffering back then, too.
I don't have to anymore.
Someone might SEE me. One day.
And it might occur to them that I don't have to wait for THEM.
That I could walk out that door any f*cking time.
That I could be on the next bus that gets hit by a train
or crashes into a bus station... Whatever.
And they'll miss their chance FOREVER.
Anyway, the point being that I can do some incremental things
so I can feel satisfied even when I find myself alone.
Which is pretty much always.
Because even when I'm around people, they can't ever SEE me.
We can't do a complete 180 degree turn in one day.
Maybe it takes 180 days. Maybe 180 weeks.
Maybe 180 months, but....
Here's the thing... Smaller things can take 180 hours.
Or 180 minutes. Even 180 seconds...
There's a guy in my group. He was talking about
how he's dreading next week because we have to start at 6am
and do the breakfast shift....
Dread is a state of mind just like delight.
It depends on how we look at it.
So this thing that I've been writing about...
An experience... Or rather lack thereof...
Thinking all kinds of things, jumping to conclusions...
I ran the gambit of mental distortions on this thing.
Because it was important to me.
It was something that I really wanted.
But it just didn't happen.
Then my mind started making up reasons for why it didn't.
It was literally a button that got pushed
when certain other buttons didn't get pushed.
My "WTF" button kept getting pushed,
not any of my "Hell Yes!" buttons.
But I wasn't pushing my "Hell Yes!" buttons.
I wanted someone to come along and push them for me.
I wanted some delightful shared experiences.
But my "WTF" button kept getting pushed like it got jammed or something.
And all my what the f*cks started becoming why the f*cks.
Which is probably how it got jammed.
There have been very few times since I've been back in Ottawa
that I've actually felt good.
Yesterday and today I've had a sense of relief.
Which has helped me feel better than how I've been feeling.
I know that a lot of it is seasonal, too. I'm not a fan of winter
and it's been snowing BALLS lately. F*ck off already!
Anyway, the point is that I had to make a choice
which was hard for me to make
in order to have or give myself that sense of relief.
Someone said: "Some things are easier to step away from than others."
Yes, I agree. I'll add this, too:
"Some things are easier to step towards than others."
A step at a time. Today it could be about finding better feeling thoughts.
Tomorrow it could just be finding easier ways to feel better.
And that's all anyone really wants. To feel better.
But we can't go from extremely disappointed to elated on a dime.
Especially if we are more familiar with disappointment
than we are with elation.
I mean the things I wanted that weren't happening
could have happened, but they didn't. It wasn't even a huge deal.
It just was something that I waited for... For such a long time.
And yes, I wanted to have something nice to look forward to.
To even have a reason to be excited.
You know when you haven't seen an old friend for like 20 years...
And you just want to see this person...
And everything seems to be conspiring against this reunion?
Yet, I was taking it to heart. I really was.
If they really wanted to see me, they'd want to make plans...
I keep thinking this with EVERYONE though,
because it is so rare that ANYONE actually wants to make plans with me.
So this is why it really mattered to me
and why I was actually looking forward to it.
Because I've wanted someone in my life
who WANTS to be in it, period.
But because I keep taking it to heart that there isn't
and feeling like there must be something ABOUT me
that just repels everyone, I was repelling everyone.
Yes, I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel like people want to see me and be with me.
Even if it's just something simple. Talking, going for a walk.
Just being together. Something nice. A nice time.
Go have a coffee with a friend. Something.
And be the one who gets the invitation
instead of trying to invite and getting rejected.
Or the "Let's go do something..." Then the waiting and waiting and waiting.
Like here's some hope that we'll actually get together and we don't...
I have wanted some semblance of a social life for years and years.
But it's like because I want it, I can't have it.
Which seems to make me want it more.
Which makes me even less likely to have it.
But feeling alone does not feel good to me.
Repelling people does not feel good to me.
So then what? Find ways to feel better about myself
that have very little to do with anyone.
Yes, I have certain emotional needs that I have to fulfill.
Whether I'm alone, whether people come into my life
who actually appreciate me as a person, a friend.
How can anyone see me as more than a friend if they can't see me as a friend?
And perhaps this old friend just happens to be the first guy I ever had a crush on
who I've known since I was like 2 or 3 years old.
And perhaps I know that I don't actually need anyone in my life.
And perhaps I know that I have to feel good on my own. No matter what.
No matter if I never get a phone call from him.
No matter if I never get to see him or hear his voice again.
NO MATTER WHAT!!!
But you see, I'm easily affected by things it seems.
I made this mistake a billion times.
I've caused my own suffering.
Because this isn't f*cking high school
and so what?! I didn't get to go to the party
because I wasn't invited and it didn't occur to him that
I wanted to go with him.
That I wanted him to ask me ONCE, just ONCE.
We're not kids anymore. It's not like it used to be.
But I was suffering back then, too.
I don't have to anymore.
Someone might SEE me. One day.
And it might occur to them that I don't have to wait for THEM.
That I could walk out that door any f*cking time.
That I could be on the next bus that gets hit by a train
or crashes into a bus station... Whatever.
And they'll miss their chance FOREVER.
Anyway, the point being that I can do some incremental things
so I can feel satisfied even when I find myself alone.
Which is pretty much always.
Because even when I'm around people, they can't ever SEE me.
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