This section that I'm reading is about worry.
Been getting a lot of anxiety lately. Not sure what it's really about
or why I keep getting it. There was something that came up once
about anxiety when I was in counselling,
it was something that I can't really remember.
It had to do with something like "sometimes we think it's anxiety,
when it's really something else." Something like this,
I may have written about it a while back, I might have to search for that.
I remember it being a 'aha!' moment. Something that I hadn't seen or realized before.
I do worry a lot sometimes.
I used to really worry a lot about what others would think about me.
I worry a lot less about that now. If I'm out in public and have a verbal tick thing,
and people look at me weird, it doesn't bother me as much.
I used to get so embarrassed, then I realized that it didn't matter what they think.
I get that they are probably judging me, but it doesn't matter.
Am I going to see the same random stranger again? Probably not.
And if I do, so what?!
I used to get pretty mad at people because I knew they were judging me.
I realized after a while that I didn't have to have that reaction.
I even realized that I didn't have to judge them for judging me.
That's why I was getting mad at them.
Because they were judging me AND I was judging them for judging me.
When I realized that none of that mattered, I stopped getting mad.
I had a pretty bad attitude about it, though.
The only reason things matter to us is because we make them matter.
It started to get pretty bad when I drank. I was pretty bad.
Just my thinking and the negativity and all kinds of CRAP.
Like I was literally so full of bullsh*t that I couldn't see my own bullsh*t.
No, I'm not completely free of the bullsh*t, but I learned so much.
I'm a LOT less full of bullsh*t than I used to be.
Anyway, I was writing about worry and stuff I was really worried about.
But it was mostly worrying what people would think of me.
I still get that sometimes, but not as much.
If someone has a "what the f*ck?!" reaction to my verbal ticks or whatever,
I can just laugh instead of feeling like... Mortified.
So this book... This part stands out to me...
"Since chronic worries seem to be low-grade amygdala episodes,
they come unbidden (new word to me).
And by their very nature, they persist once they arise in the mind."
So what does unbidden mean? Google says that it means:
"without having been commanded or invited." Interesting.
So if they haven't been commanded or invited,
that means we can command and invite thoughts.
This is exactly what it's like when I keep getting sucked back into my thoughts.
Even after trying to redirect my mind to other thoughts.
The thoughts that I keep thinking and ruminating on, keep coming back
without having been invited. I do get intrusive thoughts. Quite often.
A lot less intrusive thoughts than I used to, but they still come.
Like this thing I keep ruminating on... I made a mistake.
And instead of looking at it as a mistake, I was judged for it.
By someone who says he's not the type to judge...
But what I did was a reaction to an opinion I had.
A judgment call, a poor one that I made.
I did learn something from the whole interaction
and maybe that was the point of the interaction. Quite possibly.
Was that I still have those issues that apparently I should examine.
Sometimes people have to catch you at your worst
for you to see yourself at your worst...
And it literally has to be brought out of you for you to see that it's still there.
Unfortunately, there sometimes is no other way.
Otherwise it's still there, but goes unchecked because it doesn't come out often.
So we don't really look at it because we really get to see it.
I mean from someone else's eyes. We only see it from our eyes.
We often know it is there due to having similar reactions,
but when we don't examine it, it just remains there unexamined.
Like "Why did I react that way? Why did I not respond some other way?"
Why couldn't I have taken a few steps back from myself and ask myself
"Is this really how I want to behave? Towards this person? In general?"
If it is, continue. If it's not, change something.
But we get so caught up in behaving in the ways we already know how to behave
in situations like that, that we don't ask ourselves those questions.
We just act on impulses mostly. So yes, I acted on an impulse.
Due to the fact that I was upset and wasn't looking at the bigger picture.
Also, I was missing some information that could have really helped me
change my whole perspective of the situation.
Had I known, I would have understood. Completely.
I wouldn't have felt the way I felt at the time I acted on the impulse I had.
It doesn't make it right that I acted on the impulse. It was a mistake I made.
But had I not, I wouldn't have seen how impulsive I can be.
So I did make a mistake, but I learned something from it.
That yes, I'm still impulsive. Which can be corrected.
"Is this the way I want to act?" Yes? Continue.
No? Change something.
I got this from today's quote, but I'm incorporating it.
"Life is simple. Are you happy? Yes? Keep going. No? Change something."
This is why I love quotes because you can use them in different ways.
"Is this what you want to think about? Yes? Keep going.
No? Change something. Change what? The topic. The subject.
The object of your attention. Direct your attention to something else.
Yeah, I know it is really hard for people to stop thinking about persistent thoughts.
Especially persistent thoughts that are intrusive.
I was watching a video today a guy did. I've been listening to him for a while.
He was talking about the KeyMaster technique.
Where he gave an example of choosing what door to walk through.
He was saying that when someone gets mad (as an example)
They open a door for themselves by getting mad.
He said that we don't have to walk through their door with them.
That we have the key to any door, all doors.
We can unlock and walk through another door.
The breakthrough here is that every reaction is like opening a door.
And as soon as we engage in it and react... We walk through that door.
The thing is that most times... As soon as we choose that door
and walk through that door, there isn't any turning back.
Because we can't undo things that have been done,
or unsay things that have been said, or reverse the affects those have.
And this is the learning from the lesson that I had.
Which is a lesson that keeps coming until I learn it.
And the only way to tell if I have learned it is to act differently
when in another situation that is similar to this situation.
That is the only way to tell if I have learned,
if I am able to correct my own past behavior
by not acting on the impulses that I have.
If I fail the test, and act impulsively again, there will be consequences as always,
but I'll get another opportunity to learn it, in another form.
Something will keep popping up until I literally reform myself.
That's the whole point of why they keep popping up.
So we can be like: "I remember last time. I remember the mistake I made.
I don't want to repeat that, so I have to behave differently this time."
The thing is that I know and knew better, but still did it anyway.
The other mistakes I've made, I did know that I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have acted that way. I shouldn't have behaved that way.
I behaved very badly, but I realized afterward.
Not when I was acting that way, or behaving that way.
So yes, I do understand that these things can happen.
It's impulse control. Which apparently needs to be worked on this year.
The thing is that I don't get many opportunities to work on it
because only certain situations bring it out.
So I have to start using my imagination a lot more.
Imagining scenarios where I'm prone to act that way.
So I can bring it out of myself and program myself to choose another door.
The first step is self-awareness. Which is why I write about this stuff.
I didn't take a much time to think about it before.
I resigned to the fact that I had these certain behavioral flaws,
but I wasn't taking responsibility for them and I wasn't doing anything to change.
I was "This is just the way I am." Which is actually in one of the books I read.
The last book I read called "Wake-Up Calls" by Eric Allenbaugh.
He listed 12 most commonly used excuses people use
to avoid taking responsibility. That was on the list.
I see people using that excuse a lot. I learned that excuse from them.
I was of the opinion: "If they can excuse themselves, so can I."
Or "If they can excuse themselves, why can't I?"
Yeah, I can, and I could, and I did. So that I could remain exactly how I was.
So I could keep acting exactly how I was acting,
reacting exactly how I was reacting,
and affecting others exactly how I was affecting them.
Having the exact same effect. Because my impulses are 'just reflexes.'
Of course it's so much more than just a f*cking reflex.
It's a choice. "Is this the door you want? Or is it not?"
Do you want door number 1 or door number 2?
"Old ways do not open new doors."
But it's still a choice if we choose not to choose.
This is the thing here that is important to point out.
I wasn't aware that I kept choosing to make the same damn choice.
The choice I kept making was not to make a better choice.
And I wasn't giving myself better choices to make.
The one choice I was giving myself was to act impulsively.
To hell with the consequences of my own actions, right?!
I've f*cked up so many times and kept f*cking up.
And sometimes, I still f*ck up.
Then I look back on the stupid sh*t I did and I'm like:
"I should have known better. I should have chosen to act better."
But it doesn't change what is already done.
It can ONLY CHANGE WHAT YOU WILL DO NEXT TIME!
And if it doesn't.... You'll get chances to see that it can.
Until you see that it can.
And if you can't see that it can, you'll stay the same.
You'll have the same reactions, make the same excuses,
repeat, repeat, repeat. Until you do see... IF you do.
I have seen cycles in people. I've lived with someone who is impulsive.
For many, many years, and he can't see
that he can change his reactions by changing his actions.
So he keeps getting mad at the littlest things.
Things that do not f*cking matter. Someone's opinion,
someone said something, someone did something. It is an impulse for him
to get all worked up about it. Working himself into a rage about it.
And he literally cannot control himself when he gets so engaged
with his own rage and thoughts, and beliefs...
That he just can't see past his bullsh*t. And it is bullsh*t.
Nobody has to get THAT angry over things that do not matter.
Who cares who said what?! He lets himself get triggered.
I've seen it in myself, too. I used to get like that after living with him for so long.
I had been seeing things the way he was seeing things. Things were 'unfair'
or they were 'not right,' but I didn't realize that things don't have to be 'fair'
or 'right.' They just are the way they are.
Until we think about those things and judge them as being 'unfair' or not 'right.'
I have had a judgment issue that I wasn't aware of.
A judgment issue I developed as a result
of being around people who judge, a LOT.
Who judge everything and everyone. All the time. I learned from them.
BUT, guess what?! They learned it from someone else!
They haven't learned that they don't need their bullsh*t. Their judgments.
The thing is that people judge other people's judgments
and they don't even realize it. It took me so long to realize this.
I wasn't practicing my stuff. I wasn't telling myself:
"I don't have to have an opinion about this."
But I formed an opinion about it. I let my opinion upset me.
I acted in haste. I made a mistake.
But I will keep making those mistakes if I keep acting in haste!
To act in haste is to waste an opportunity to make a better choice.
We CAN make better choices,
but we have to GIVE ourselves better choices to choose from.
Otherwise we'll keep choosing the same choice we kept choosing
that only leads to us losing.
And it's not that we are losers. It's we can be winners.
We win every time we walk through another door.
Judgments are just opinions. We don't actually have to have an opinion
about everything! When we stop forming opinions...
We judge so much less! I've seen this in myself.
When I've told myself: "I don't have to have an opinion about this."
Then I didn't have any judgment about it at all.
I didn't have any need or desire to label it as anything. It just was.
Exactly as it was. As a result.... This is the magic thing here....
As a result, I didn't even think much about it at all.
And because I didn't think much about it,
I didn't have any particular feelings about it.
Like as an example.... If I see someone dressed a way that I wouldn't dress...
When I'm tempted to make a judgment about it, I say:
"No judgment." Then they are just dressed however they are dressed
and I just couldn't care less.
These emotional reactions and stuff I keep talking about
come from certain beliefs I have that I just never really examined....
But here's something I hadn't considered before...
That my beliefs have come from judgments I've made!
And judgments others have made!
This is why I write about this stuff...
Because most people aren't thinking about this.
I know that I didn't use to, but I'm thinking more about it now!
Because I'm reading more and listening to people.
You never know how you are going to learn something,
but if you learn it, it doesn't matter how you learn it.
Been getting a lot of anxiety lately. Not sure what it's really about
or why I keep getting it. There was something that came up once
about anxiety when I was in counselling,
it was something that I can't really remember.
It had to do with something like "sometimes we think it's anxiety,
when it's really something else." Something like this,
I may have written about it a while back, I might have to search for that.
I remember it being a 'aha!' moment. Something that I hadn't seen or realized before.
I do worry a lot sometimes.
I used to really worry a lot about what others would think about me.
I worry a lot less about that now. If I'm out in public and have a verbal tick thing,
and people look at me weird, it doesn't bother me as much.
I used to get so embarrassed, then I realized that it didn't matter what they think.
I get that they are probably judging me, but it doesn't matter.
Am I going to see the same random stranger again? Probably not.
And if I do, so what?!
I used to get pretty mad at people because I knew they were judging me.
I realized after a while that I didn't have to have that reaction.
I even realized that I didn't have to judge them for judging me.
That's why I was getting mad at them.
Because they were judging me AND I was judging them for judging me.
When I realized that none of that mattered, I stopped getting mad.
I had a pretty bad attitude about it, though.
The only reason things matter to us is because we make them matter.
It started to get pretty bad when I drank. I was pretty bad.
Just my thinking and the negativity and all kinds of CRAP.
Like I was literally so full of bullsh*t that I couldn't see my own bullsh*t.
No, I'm not completely free of the bullsh*t, but I learned so much.
I'm a LOT less full of bullsh*t than I used to be.
Anyway, I was writing about worry and stuff I was really worried about.
But it was mostly worrying what people would think of me.
I still get that sometimes, but not as much.
If someone has a "what the f*ck?!" reaction to my verbal ticks or whatever,
I can just laugh instead of feeling like... Mortified.
So this book... This part stands out to me...
"Since chronic worries seem to be low-grade amygdala episodes,
they come unbidden (new word to me).
And by their very nature, they persist once they arise in the mind."
So what does unbidden mean? Google says that it means:
"without having been commanded or invited." Interesting.
So if they haven't been commanded or invited,
that means we can command and invite thoughts.
This is exactly what it's like when I keep getting sucked back into my thoughts.
Even after trying to redirect my mind to other thoughts.
The thoughts that I keep thinking and ruminating on, keep coming back
without having been invited. I do get intrusive thoughts. Quite often.
A lot less intrusive thoughts than I used to, but they still come.
Like this thing I keep ruminating on... I made a mistake.
And instead of looking at it as a mistake, I was judged for it.
By someone who says he's not the type to judge...
But what I did was a reaction to an opinion I had.
A judgment call, a poor one that I made.
I did learn something from the whole interaction
and maybe that was the point of the interaction. Quite possibly.
Was that I still have those issues that apparently I should examine.
Sometimes people have to catch you at your worst
for you to see yourself at your worst...
And it literally has to be brought out of you for you to see that it's still there.
Unfortunately, there sometimes is no other way.
Otherwise it's still there, but goes unchecked because it doesn't come out often.
So we don't really look at it because we really get to see it.
I mean from someone else's eyes. We only see it from our eyes.
We often know it is there due to having similar reactions,
but when we don't examine it, it just remains there unexamined.
Like "Why did I react that way? Why did I not respond some other way?"
Why couldn't I have taken a few steps back from myself and ask myself
"Is this really how I want to behave? Towards this person? In general?"
If it is, continue. If it's not, change something.
But we get so caught up in behaving in the ways we already know how to behave
in situations like that, that we don't ask ourselves those questions.
We just act on impulses mostly. So yes, I acted on an impulse.
Due to the fact that I was upset and wasn't looking at the bigger picture.
Also, I was missing some information that could have really helped me
change my whole perspective of the situation.
Had I known, I would have understood. Completely.
I wouldn't have felt the way I felt at the time I acted on the impulse I had.
It doesn't make it right that I acted on the impulse. It was a mistake I made.
But had I not, I wouldn't have seen how impulsive I can be.
So I did make a mistake, but I learned something from it.
That yes, I'm still impulsive. Which can be corrected.
"Is this the way I want to act?" Yes? Continue.
No? Change something.
I got this from today's quote, but I'm incorporating it.
"Life is simple. Are you happy? Yes? Keep going. No? Change something."
This is why I love quotes because you can use them in different ways.
"Is this what you want to think about? Yes? Keep going.
No? Change something. Change what? The topic. The subject.
The object of your attention. Direct your attention to something else.
Yeah, I know it is really hard for people to stop thinking about persistent thoughts.
Especially persistent thoughts that are intrusive.
I was watching a video today a guy did. I've been listening to him for a while.
He was talking about the KeyMaster technique.
Where he gave an example of choosing what door to walk through.
He was saying that when someone gets mad (as an example)
They open a door for themselves by getting mad.
He said that we don't have to walk through their door with them.
That we have the key to any door, all doors.
We can unlock and walk through another door.
The breakthrough here is that every reaction is like opening a door.
And as soon as we engage in it and react... We walk through that door.
The thing is that most times... As soon as we choose that door
and walk through that door, there isn't any turning back.
Because we can't undo things that have been done,
or unsay things that have been said, or reverse the affects those have.
And this is the learning from the lesson that I had.
Which is a lesson that keeps coming until I learn it.
And the only way to tell if I have learned it is to act differently
when in another situation that is similar to this situation.
That is the only way to tell if I have learned,
if I am able to correct my own past behavior
by not acting on the impulses that I have.
If I fail the test, and act impulsively again, there will be consequences as always,
but I'll get another opportunity to learn it, in another form.
Something will keep popping up until I literally reform myself.
That's the whole point of why they keep popping up.
So we can be like: "I remember last time. I remember the mistake I made.
I don't want to repeat that, so I have to behave differently this time."
The thing is that I know and knew better, but still did it anyway.
The other mistakes I've made, I did know that I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have acted that way. I shouldn't have behaved that way.
I behaved very badly, but I realized afterward.
Not when I was acting that way, or behaving that way.
So yes, I do understand that these things can happen.
It's impulse control. Which apparently needs to be worked on this year.
The thing is that I don't get many opportunities to work on it
because only certain situations bring it out.
So I have to start using my imagination a lot more.
Imagining scenarios where I'm prone to act that way.
So I can bring it out of myself and program myself to choose another door.
The first step is self-awareness. Which is why I write about this stuff.
I didn't take a much time to think about it before.
I resigned to the fact that I had these certain behavioral flaws,
but I wasn't taking responsibility for them and I wasn't doing anything to change.
I was "This is just the way I am." Which is actually in one of the books I read.
The last book I read called "Wake-Up Calls" by Eric Allenbaugh.
He listed 12 most commonly used excuses people use
to avoid taking responsibility. That was on the list.
I see people using that excuse a lot. I learned that excuse from them.
I was of the opinion: "If they can excuse themselves, so can I."
Or "If they can excuse themselves, why can't I?"
Yeah, I can, and I could, and I did. So that I could remain exactly how I was.
So I could keep acting exactly how I was acting,
reacting exactly how I was reacting,
and affecting others exactly how I was affecting them.
Having the exact same effect. Because my impulses are 'just reflexes.'
Of course it's so much more than just a f*cking reflex.
It's a choice. "Is this the door you want? Or is it not?"
Do you want door number 1 or door number 2?
"Old ways do not open new doors."
But it's still a choice if we choose not to choose.
This is the thing here that is important to point out.
I wasn't aware that I kept choosing to make the same damn choice.
The choice I kept making was not to make a better choice.
And I wasn't giving myself better choices to make.
The one choice I was giving myself was to act impulsively.
To hell with the consequences of my own actions, right?!
I've f*cked up so many times and kept f*cking up.
And sometimes, I still f*ck up.
Then I look back on the stupid sh*t I did and I'm like:
"I should have known better. I should have chosen to act better."
But it doesn't change what is already done.
It can ONLY CHANGE WHAT YOU WILL DO NEXT TIME!
And if it doesn't.... You'll get chances to see that it can.
Until you see that it can.
And if you can't see that it can, you'll stay the same.
You'll have the same reactions, make the same excuses,
repeat, repeat, repeat. Until you do see... IF you do.
I have seen cycles in people. I've lived with someone who is impulsive.
For many, many years, and he can't see
that he can change his reactions by changing his actions.
So he keeps getting mad at the littlest things.
Things that do not f*cking matter. Someone's opinion,
someone said something, someone did something. It is an impulse for him
to get all worked up about it. Working himself into a rage about it.
And he literally cannot control himself when he gets so engaged
with his own rage and thoughts, and beliefs...
That he just can't see past his bullsh*t. And it is bullsh*t.
Nobody has to get THAT angry over things that do not matter.
Who cares who said what?! He lets himself get triggered.
I've seen it in myself, too. I used to get like that after living with him for so long.
I had been seeing things the way he was seeing things. Things were 'unfair'
or they were 'not right,' but I didn't realize that things don't have to be 'fair'
or 'right.' They just are the way they are.
Until we think about those things and judge them as being 'unfair' or not 'right.'
I have had a judgment issue that I wasn't aware of.
A judgment issue I developed as a result
of being around people who judge, a LOT.
Who judge everything and everyone. All the time. I learned from them.
BUT, guess what?! They learned it from someone else!
They haven't learned that they don't need their bullsh*t. Their judgments.
The thing is that people judge other people's judgments
and they don't even realize it. It took me so long to realize this.
I wasn't practicing my stuff. I wasn't telling myself:
"I don't have to have an opinion about this."
But I formed an opinion about it. I let my opinion upset me.
I acted in haste. I made a mistake.
But I will keep making those mistakes if I keep acting in haste!
To act in haste is to waste an opportunity to make a better choice.
We CAN make better choices,
but we have to GIVE ourselves better choices to choose from.
Otherwise we'll keep choosing the same choice we kept choosing
that only leads to us losing.
And it's not that we are losers. It's we can be winners.
We win every time we walk through another door.
Judgments are just opinions. We don't actually have to have an opinion
about everything! When we stop forming opinions...
We judge so much less! I've seen this in myself.
When I've told myself: "I don't have to have an opinion about this."
Then I didn't have any judgment about it at all.
I didn't have any need or desire to label it as anything. It just was.
Exactly as it was. As a result.... This is the magic thing here....
As a result, I didn't even think much about it at all.
And because I didn't think much about it,
I didn't have any particular feelings about it.
Like as an example.... If I see someone dressed a way that I wouldn't dress...
When I'm tempted to make a judgment about it, I say:
"No judgment." Then they are just dressed however they are dressed
and I just couldn't care less.
These emotional reactions and stuff I keep talking about
come from certain beliefs I have that I just never really examined....
But here's something I hadn't considered before...
That my beliefs have come from judgments I've made!
And judgments others have made!
This is why I write about this stuff...
Because most people aren't thinking about this.
I know that I didn't use to, but I'm thinking more about it now!
Because I'm reading more and listening to people.
You never know how you are going to learn something,
but if you learn it, it doesn't matter how you learn it.
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