Repression is something I'm familiar with.
I've done it most of my life without even realizing it.
I used it as a coping method because a lot of it was really painful.
I wasn't even really aware that I was repressing things.
I had a verbal tick, still have it, but it isn't as bad as it was.
Sometimes it can get pretty bad though.
Depending on what I'm dealing with. If it is a lot of stress,
or something that is really bothering me,
or something really painful, it gets bad.
My family made such a big deal about it,
and they refuse to recognize it as an actual problem I've developed
that I actually need to get help for.
Like nobody seemed to care enough to see it for what it is.
Sure, it is harmless, but they find it annoying
and that is their reaction to my issue.
So they don't have to hear it anymore because they won't be seeing me.
It's bad enough to have an issue like this
and then have no support, no understanding, no help,
and all the bullsh*t chastising about it.
Like chastising me is somehow going to make it stop?!
It actually makes it worse because it bothers me.
Anyway, it all started as a way to repress things.
Thoughts and feelings that I could not express.
The thing is that repression isn't making those go away,
they do come back, often stronger than they were.
The only way is to face them and express them and learn how to deal with them.
And not keep running from them and pretending that they are not there.
There was an event that took place right when I started developing this thing.
That I burried so far into my subconscious, that I have to go back and face.
The thing is that I burried it so deep that the only way to access it
is through hypnosis. Which I was asking my mother about since she had it done.
But all she said was "talk to your cousellor. You're 35 years old, help yourself."
So obviously she wasn't going to help me. Which pissed me off.
Because not only does she not recognize that it is an issue,
she won't help me get help for it. She could have a long time ago
when I was a kid. Because it started when I was a kid.
But anyway, nobody realized that it is a symptom of something bigger
than just a habitual verbal tick thing.
It's not something I do to just get on everyone's nerves.
And they all make it seem like I have absolute control over it all the time.
That I just do it to piss people off. I don't. It's not like that. At all.
I've had something happen to me that I had to keep repressing,
and I saw that repressing worked and kept doing it because
I literally didn't know what else to do. I felt like I had to repress
and keep repressing.
In this part of the book I'm reading, it describes repressors:
"People who habitually and automatically blot out emotional disturbances
from their awareness." Which I've been doing since I was 9 years old.
Using my verbal ticks to do it, because it was effective,
but it became literally automatic. To the point I didn't realize I was doing it.
"This small act of mental avoidance is part of a larger pattern."
"A pattern of tuning out emotional upset."
Because not only was I not allowed to express my emotions,
whenever I did, I get shut down. So I stopped.
"Be sad all you want tomorrow, not today." Something my mother told me.
When I told her that I was sad after my ex and I split.
After sh*t like that constantly, throughout your life, you just stop.
Because you don't see a point anymore.
Even though, yeah, my emotions are valid. At least to me.
That's something that I didn't ever get to hear until last year
when someone told me that my feelings are valid.
And I guess all I ever wanted was a little bit of validation
even to just hear that my feelings are valid.
Coming from someone who doesn't always care about how I feel,
because he's too wrapped up in his own stuff.
Like he left me sitting alone in his living room to go up to his room
to talk to someone on the phone. When we were supposed to be hanging out.
Stuff like that. A lot. Like I barely exist.
But we have had some good talks sometimes
and he has helped me out quite a bit.
I just wish he was more present when we hang out.
And I don't think it would kill him to give me his attention
when I make the time to go hang out with him.
I don't think he does this to his other friends.
It seems like he only does this to me.
Anyway, the book goes on to say:
"While these people may seem calm,
they can be seething with psychological upsets they are oblivious to."
"One in six shows the pattern."
"Seems due to a neural mechanism that slows or interferes
with the transfer of upsetting information."
"The implication is that they aren't faking lack of awareness
about how upset they are; their brain is keeping that information from them."
"May be due to the sustained attempt by the neural circuitry
to maintain positive feelings or to supress or inhibit any negative ones."
It's to do with denial and disassociation.
Denying certain thoughts and feelings from entering awareness.
Like I am only momentarily aware that there's something bothering me
until the verbal tick is triggered and then it is out of my mind.
It just pushes it out. It seems to go away, but it hasn't.
I just pushed it down where I can't access it consciously.
So it seems to go away, but it doesn't.
It says that it can be linkd to PTSD. Which I'm pretty sure it is.
I'm pretty sure it happened as a result of something traumatic.
Something so painful that I'm not allowing myself to remember, ever.
It just has been stressful to me to have people react the way they do.
To something that I haven't had 100% control over.
They think that just because I don't do it 24/7 that I have control over it.
It get triggered and it is an automatic reflex even.
It's embarrassing and I've had to live with this like most of my life.
It's so frustrating that my family who have had all this time to realize it
just basically refused to recognize it as an actual issue.
Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Goodnight.
I've done it most of my life without even realizing it.
I used it as a coping method because a lot of it was really painful.
I wasn't even really aware that I was repressing things.
I had a verbal tick, still have it, but it isn't as bad as it was.
Sometimes it can get pretty bad though.
Depending on what I'm dealing with. If it is a lot of stress,
or something that is really bothering me,
or something really painful, it gets bad.
My family made such a big deal about it,
and they refuse to recognize it as an actual problem I've developed
that I actually need to get help for.
Like nobody seemed to care enough to see it for what it is.
Sure, it is harmless, but they find it annoying
and that is their reaction to my issue.
So they don't have to hear it anymore because they won't be seeing me.
It's bad enough to have an issue like this
and then have no support, no understanding, no help,
and all the bullsh*t chastising about it.
Like chastising me is somehow going to make it stop?!
It actually makes it worse because it bothers me.
Anyway, it all started as a way to repress things.
Thoughts and feelings that I could not express.
The thing is that repression isn't making those go away,
they do come back, often stronger than they were.
The only way is to face them and express them and learn how to deal with them.
And not keep running from them and pretending that they are not there.
There was an event that took place right when I started developing this thing.
That I burried so far into my subconscious, that I have to go back and face.
The thing is that I burried it so deep that the only way to access it
is through hypnosis. Which I was asking my mother about since she had it done.
But all she said was "talk to your cousellor. You're 35 years old, help yourself."
So obviously she wasn't going to help me. Which pissed me off.
Because not only does she not recognize that it is an issue,
she won't help me get help for it. She could have a long time ago
when I was a kid. Because it started when I was a kid.
But anyway, nobody realized that it is a symptom of something bigger
than just a habitual verbal tick thing.
It's not something I do to just get on everyone's nerves.
And they all make it seem like I have absolute control over it all the time.
That I just do it to piss people off. I don't. It's not like that. At all.
I've had something happen to me that I had to keep repressing,
and I saw that repressing worked and kept doing it because
I literally didn't know what else to do. I felt like I had to repress
and keep repressing.
In this part of the book I'm reading, it describes repressors:
"People who habitually and automatically blot out emotional disturbances
from their awareness." Which I've been doing since I was 9 years old.
Using my verbal ticks to do it, because it was effective,
but it became literally automatic. To the point I didn't realize I was doing it.
"This small act of mental avoidance is part of a larger pattern."
"A pattern of tuning out emotional upset."
Because not only was I not allowed to express my emotions,
whenever I did, I get shut down. So I stopped.
"Be sad all you want tomorrow, not today." Something my mother told me.
When I told her that I was sad after my ex and I split.
After sh*t like that constantly, throughout your life, you just stop.
Because you don't see a point anymore.
Even though, yeah, my emotions are valid. At least to me.
That's something that I didn't ever get to hear until last year
when someone told me that my feelings are valid.
And I guess all I ever wanted was a little bit of validation
even to just hear that my feelings are valid.
Coming from someone who doesn't always care about how I feel,
because he's too wrapped up in his own stuff.
Like he left me sitting alone in his living room to go up to his room
to talk to someone on the phone. When we were supposed to be hanging out.
Stuff like that. A lot. Like I barely exist.
But we have had some good talks sometimes
and he has helped me out quite a bit.
I just wish he was more present when we hang out.
And I don't think it would kill him to give me his attention
when I make the time to go hang out with him.
I don't think he does this to his other friends.
It seems like he only does this to me.
Anyway, the book goes on to say:
"While these people may seem calm,
they can be seething with psychological upsets they are oblivious to."
"One in six shows the pattern."
"Seems due to a neural mechanism that slows or interferes
with the transfer of upsetting information."
"The implication is that they aren't faking lack of awareness
about how upset they are; their brain is keeping that information from them."
"May be due to the sustained attempt by the neural circuitry
to maintain positive feelings or to supress or inhibit any negative ones."
It's to do with denial and disassociation.
Denying certain thoughts and feelings from entering awareness.
Like I am only momentarily aware that there's something bothering me
until the verbal tick is triggered and then it is out of my mind.
It just pushes it out. It seems to go away, but it hasn't.
I just pushed it down where I can't access it consciously.
So it seems to go away, but it doesn't.
It says that it can be linkd to PTSD. Which I'm pretty sure it is.
I'm pretty sure it happened as a result of something traumatic.
Something so painful that I'm not allowing myself to remember, ever.
It just has been stressful to me to have people react the way they do.
To something that I haven't had 100% control over.
They think that just because I don't do it 24/7 that I have control over it.
It get triggered and it is an automatic reflex even.
It's embarrassing and I've had to live with this like most of my life.
It's so frustrating that my family who have had all this time to realize it
just basically refused to recognize it as an actual issue.
Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Goodnight.
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