So a lot of people didn't make it through the first 2 weeks.
Chef was saying that not everyone will make it to the end.
I hope that I do, but anything can happen.
Like today, I accidentally knocked over a bottle of oil
and it smashed on the floor, oil everywhere.
I apologized and they are treating it like an accident.
D***** was telling me that it wasn't my fault,
even though it was me who caused it to fall.
She told me: "It's just a bottle of oil, don't even think about it."
I was supposed to do catering tomorrow, but I got a call from the Sous Chef
saying that they don't need as many people and not to come in.
To come during my regular shift on Monday instead.
Monday is the International Restaurant thing in the evening.
It's a special event that all the students are invited to.
I saw one of the guys who didn't make it to the first day.
We did a trial shift togther and he was supposed to come in the next day
for the orientation, but he didn't show up.
I saw him today, in the line. We didn't talk.
One of the guys who was in my group...
Something must have happened because he was supposed to come in for catering.
I saw on his time card that he did come in that day, but he didn't punch out.
So I don't know what happened. Something must have happened.
Then I noticed a lot were gone when both groups met up
for the SLC thing, we had to fill out forms to register with them
so that we can use their services afterwards for them to help us get jobs.
After our training. They partner with the program.
So part of the program is registering with them.
One of the ladies in my group was pissed off today.
She heard one of the guys who works there saying
that we weren't motivated enough.
Firstly, I don't take what he says to heart.
I know he doesn't mean to be like that.
And it probably wasn't intended for her to hear anyway.
I'm not going to let it discourage me.
I mean if we weren't motivated, there is no f*cking way
we'd be getting up so damn early to get to the kitchen at 6am.
There's just no f*cking way. Us showing up on time means we are motivated.
We haven't missed any days. I missed one day, for travel time.
Because I had a funeral to attend the next day, but other than that,
I've been there each day and been doing what I've been told to do.
I haven't made any complaints or anything,
been trying my best to follow the rules. The rules that I know are rules.
I've been doing my best not to get under Chef's skin.
Been doing my best to follow all instructions given to me.
To the best of my ability. Trying to gain as many new skills as possible.
I just want to stay as long as I can and do the best that I can.
Because after this, I could get a better job.
Not only that, but in a different field.
That probably pays more than what I am used to making.
I know at best I'll become a cook, but not a chef.
It isn't chef training, it's more like kitchen training.
"Food Services Training Program" is what it's called.
B**** took it and he's still mostly in the dish pit.
But they had offered him a cook position.
He couldn't take it because he had lots of doctor's appointments.
I'm pretty sure he helps with catering, though.
I haven't done any of the catering stuff, yet.
All I've done with the catering is put muffins on the trays,
wrap muffins and put the lids on the trays,
and put the labels on the trays.
There's a guy I see sometimes, he's into me. I know he is,
but I'm really not interested in dating him.
He wants to hang out tomorrow.
He was asking me if I live alone and stuff like that
like he wants to invite himself over or something.
Part of me wants to lie and say I have a boyfriend,
even though I don't. Just so he realizes we're not getting together.
It's kind of mean, but he's too into me and he's been being a perv.
And it's been awkward for me.
I don't even know why I agreed to hang out with him tomorrow,
but I did. So I will, but I'm not trying to send him mixed messages or anything.
I'm going to have to have that 'talk' with him soon. Sooner the better.
I don't enjoy hurting people's feelings
but I can't let them think things that are not true, either.
Anyway, I keep having certain feelings come up, guilt stuff.
From something I did that I'm not proud of. Something that I regret.
There was something I read today that goes:
"A knowledge of past actions (positive and negative)
without that knowledge limiting future options."
"The discipline of Hawaiian Huna suggests
that we cling to negative emotions
until we've learned the important lessons... And realize that we have."
It is reasonable to feel an emotion
until a deeper understanding, or evaluation, is attained.
"Fear, guilt, grief, anger...
all exist to force us to PAY ATTENTION
to something that has happened,
or something that is in danger of happening in the future."
"As long as we are asleep to our actions, thoughts and values,
it is appropriate for these emotions to remain."
"One of the keys to releasing negativity
is to LEARN THE LESSONS."
"In relationships, shattered economic "opportunities",
injurious sports events...
If you can extract the critical lessons,
you can release the negative emotions,
which are there only to protect you."
"How can you re-interpret past or current events,
your own capacities or those of others,
to release fear, blame, guilt, or shame?"
"What would you or a loved one have to learn?
How would you have to grow to leave the pain behind
and embrace both present and future?"
I feel so guilty about it and ashamed of myself,
but I did it, there is no undoing it.
I learned from that, that the part of me that does those things exists.
And doesn't have to exist. I learned that I'm not really that way.
That I acted on impulse and at the time, I didn't realize
what I was doing, the consequences of it, the implications.
It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it was still pretty bad.
And I was thinking that karma isn't done with me on that.
That I'm still going to have to pay for that. In this life or the next.
It made me not to want to do that again. Ever.
So I learned my lesson, but the guilt and shame still remain.
Probably because I still haven't been able to forgive myself for it.
I don't know if I ever can. Or ever will.
So how would I have to grow in order to leave the shame behind?
So that I can embrace the present and th future?
I think I can embrace the present by taking a nap.
Maybe something will come to me in a dream.
Chef was saying that not everyone will make it to the end.
I hope that I do, but anything can happen.
Like today, I accidentally knocked over a bottle of oil
and it smashed on the floor, oil everywhere.
I apologized and they are treating it like an accident.
D***** was telling me that it wasn't my fault,
even though it was me who caused it to fall.
She told me: "It's just a bottle of oil, don't even think about it."
I was supposed to do catering tomorrow, but I got a call from the Sous Chef
saying that they don't need as many people and not to come in.
To come during my regular shift on Monday instead.
Monday is the International Restaurant thing in the evening.
It's a special event that all the students are invited to.
I saw one of the guys who didn't make it to the first day.
We did a trial shift togther and he was supposed to come in the next day
for the orientation, but he didn't show up.
I saw him today, in the line. We didn't talk.
One of the guys who was in my group...
Something must have happened because he was supposed to come in for catering.
I saw on his time card that he did come in that day, but he didn't punch out.
So I don't know what happened. Something must have happened.
Then I noticed a lot were gone when both groups met up
for the SLC thing, we had to fill out forms to register with them
so that we can use their services afterwards for them to help us get jobs.
After our training. They partner with the program.
So part of the program is registering with them.
One of the ladies in my group was pissed off today.
She heard one of the guys who works there saying
that we weren't motivated enough.
Firstly, I don't take what he says to heart.
I know he doesn't mean to be like that.
And it probably wasn't intended for her to hear anyway.
I'm not going to let it discourage me.
I mean if we weren't motivated, there is no f*cking way
we'd be getting up so damn early to get to the kitchen at 6am.
There's just no f*cking way. Us showing up on time means we are motivated.
We haven't missed any days. I missed one day, for travel time.
Because I had a funeral to attend the next day, but other than that,
I've been there each day and been doing what I've been told to do.
I haven't made any complaints or anything,
been trying my best to follow the rules. The rules that I know are rules.
I've been doing my best not to get under Chef's skin.
Been doing my best to follow all instructions given to me.
To the best of my ability. Trying to gain as many new skills as possible.
I just want to stay as long as I can and do the best that I can.
Because after this, I could get a better job.
Not only that, but in a different field.
That probably pays more than what I am used to making.
I know at best I'll become a cook, but not a chef.
It isn't chef training, it's more like kitchen training.
"Food Services Training Program" is what it's called.
B**** took it and he's still mostly in the dish pit.
But they had offered him a cook position.
He couldn't take it because he had lots of doctor's appointments.
I'm pretty sure he helps with catering, though.
I haven't done any of the catering stuff, yet.
All I've done with the catering is put muffins on the trays,
wrap muffins and put the lids on the trays,
and put the labels on the trays.
There's a guy I see sometimes, he's into me. I know he is,
but I'm really not interested in dating him.
He wants to hang out tomorrow.
He was asking me if I live alone and stuff like that
like he wants to invite himself over or something.
Part of me wants to lie and say I have a boyfriend,
even though I don't. Just so he realizes we're not getting together.
It's kind of mean, but he's too into me and he's been being a perv.
And it's been awkward for me.
I don't even know why I agreed to hang out with him tomorrow,
but I did. So I will, but I'm not trying to send him mixed messages or anything.
I'm going to have to have that 'talk' with him soon. Sooner the better.
I don't enjoy hurting people's feelings
but I can't let them think things that are not true, either.
Anyway, I keep having certain feelings come up, guilt stuff.
From something I did that I'm not proud of. Something that I regret.
There was something I read today that goes:
"A knowledge of past actions (positive and negative)
without that knowledge limiting future options."
"The discipline of Hawaiian Huna suggests
that we cling to negative emotions
until we've learned the important lessons... And realize that we have."
It is reasonable to feel an emotion
until a deeper understanding, or evaluation, is attained.
"Fear, guilt, grief, anger...
all exist to force us to PAY ATTENTION
to something that has happened,
or something that is in danger of happening in the future."
"As long as we are asleep to our actions, thoughts and values,
it is appropriate for these emotions to remain."
"One of the keys to releasing negativity
is to LEARN THE LESSONS."
"In relationships, shattered economic "opportunities",
injurious sports events...
If you can extract the critical lessons,
you can release the negative emotions,
which are there only to protect you."
"How can you re-interpret past or current events,
your own capacities or those of others,
to release fear, blame, guilt, or shame?"
"What would you or a loved one have to learn?
How would you have to grow to leave the pain behind
and embrace both present and future?"
I feel so guilty about it and ashamed of myself,
but I did it, there is no undoing it.
I learned from that, that the part of me that does those things exists.
And doesn't have to exist. I learned that I'm not really that way.
That I acted on impulse and at the time, I didn't realize
what I was doing, the consequences of it, the implications.
It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it was still pretty bad.
And I was thinking that karma isn't done with me on that.
That I'm still going to have to pay for that. In this life or the next.
It made me not to want to do that again. Ever.
So I learned my lesson, but the guilt and shame still remain.
Probably because I still haven't been able to forgive myself for it.
I don't know if I ever can. Or ever will.
So how would I have to grow in order to leave the shame behind?
So that I can embrace the present and th future?
I think I can embrace the present by taking a nap.
Maybe something will come to me in a dream.
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