Someone was talking about optimism today.
It has been on my mind a bit, but probably not as often as I'd like it to be.
What I have learned is that it is hard to think optimistically,
when we aren't feeling very optimistic,
and it's hard to feel optimistic when we aren't thinking optimistically.
I had a huge challenge with this today,
because most of the day I was thinking about something that went wrong.
And I did react badly to it. I had a bad emotional reaction to it.
Because I jumped to conclusions. Which I didn't have to do.
If anything, that shows me the areas I need to work on the most
and I'm thankful that I got to see that, if anything.
I want to feel and be optimistic, but that comes with optimistic thoughts.
Having some hope for the future. Which I still struggle with, every day.
It can be hard because we keep seeing things one way,
I know I see things that way even though I don't have to look at them that way.
At least I'm recognizing some things. Which is a pretty big step.
Overall, I feel pretty good for and about next year.
I'm in for a lot of work, like DAILY stuff. I'll have to withdraw a lot more,
even though I'm pretty withdrawn, as it is.
This year seemed to have gone by pretty fast, actually.
It's just the last week or so that drags on and on and on.
I decided to go for a walk tonight. Just around the neighborhood.
It's cold and snowing, but I needed fresh air.
I got the message "It's for the best."
Then I felt like I had to look at the license plat numbers.
The other day, I saw 333 on one, and today I saw 333 twice.
The very last car was 217 and this has been my number for a few years.
And it was like "Now do you believe me that it's for the best?!"
Things happen the way they do for reasons. All kinds of reasons.
What happens next year is yet to be seen,
but I will be leaving town briefly, for a funeral, and I need it.
I need to get away for a few days, it will be good for me.
And I'll get to meet some relatives which will be great.
I've wanted to do one of those family reunion things. Just once.
Where all the family gets together. I have a big family on my mother's side.
I don't think she'll be there. I have a feeling that she won't be. It's okay.
At least this year I won't be alone on my birthday.
I probably won't have the money to do anything special or anything.
Being there is special enough. Getting to say goodbye to my great-aunt.
I just meant like I won't be there to do anything tourist-y.
That's not why I am going in the first place.
Nor will I be going for any fancy dinners or anything.
I'll be lucky to get there and have a place to stay when I do.
It's like if I hadn't been upset, I wouldn't have gone out tonight.
Had I not gone out, I wouldn't have seen that 217.
I can't even tell you how special it is to me.
The fact that it wasn't 216 or 218 or any other number... It was meant for me.
I can't even explain it, I really can't.
I was trying to think some optimistic thoughts.
Like "Look at the abundance of snowflakes falling from the sky!"
"Those represent the abundance of opportunities awaiting you!"
This year is going to be great. So much better than 2018.
It was a pretty rough year all around for many people.
Lots of changes and a lot of hard stuff. A lot of pain and grieving.
I still feel like I will be grieving a bit in 2019, but I don't think it'll be as heavy.
There are some things that I really need to focus on, though.
One of those things being acceptance.
And the other things I mentioned. If I haven't mentioned them,
then they are the things that I decided on earlier.
I have a lot of stuff to let go of. A lot. So much.
I don't even know why I've held onto it for so long.
Physical possessions, but emotional stuff that my reactions are based on.
Like feeling a certain way when similar things happen.
Being upset about things that don't actually matter.
Especially since things are ultimately working out for the best.
Even though they don't feel that way at the time.
And they don't feel that way because I'm not looking at them that way.
Which I know, but it's hard to look at them that way
when they don't feel that way...
But keeping that in mind helps.
"It doesn't feel that way because I'm having a hard time seeing it that way."
"Not because it's not that way..."
And not everything is the way it seems. It's not. I keep forgetting that.
There's a lot I keep forgetting. I do know it on some level,
but it seems like I can't remember it when I need to use it.
I remember it AFTER the fact, if at all.
I can get better and feel better, and think better. It does take time.
When I'm able to release more, the less will be weighing me down.
Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.
I feel like I need to clear my space, but I need to clear my mind also
by letting go, truly letting go. Which has been so hard.
Like I'm so loyal to my misery or something.
The reason I have been unable to move ahead and move on
is that I keep thinking about the past, a lot.
I can't look forward and look back at the same time. "Choose one."
I'm thankful for all the good in my past, even the very painful lessons.
But I do have to try to look forward as much as I can.
I don't need to dwell on things I had wished would have worked out.
I don't need to focus on things I can't change and can't fix.
There are things that can be changed and I must focus on those.
There are things I want to do and I want to have new experiences.
I want to start feeling good. Which I can, but not by focusing on the things
that evoke certain feelings that don't feel good. It's counterproductive.
So I have to decide where to focus and focus in those areas.
Everything else... Whatever. It can be everything else.
Today is the first day of an entirely new year.
Full of whatever comes my way, whatever it will be.
And I know it won't be everything I wanted, but I hope for something good.
Something in terms of just feeling so much better!
About myself, about my life, in general. About everything.
And this will require a SHIFT in persective.
I have to remember that to start seeing things differently,
I have to look at them differently. Not everything is as it seems.
Which was another lesson. The lessons keep showing up until we learn them.
It's just hard to learn them when we keep forgetting,
but some would say that if you truly learned your lesson, how could you forget?!
It would be embeded so deep in your mind, that you couldn't.
I guess I see what they mean. I'll keep learning until I LEARN.
A lot of new things are coming. It won't be a repeat of last year.
At least I don't think it will be. It'll be as different as I make it.
It'll only be the same if I make it the same, but yeah... There's a lot of release
that's been waiting to happen for a long time. A LONG time.
I've been feeling it in my gut. A lot. It doesn't feel good.
Been feeling it for a long time, and I can't even explain it, just a heavy feeling.
But a lot of emotional work in the near future for me. I'll probably write about it.
It's stuff that not a lot of people are doing that they could benefit from.
That I will benefit from. It's just tough having to figure it out on my own.
Maybe there will be opportunities that will arise so that I can take those.
I heard of some programs and I think I'll check them out.
They are there for a reason and I found out about them for a reason.
I have to work on being okay with whatever happens, too.
Because a lot of it will be out of my control.
And all I actually want is a sense of control. I don't need actual control.
The control I want is over my emotional reactions.
And some other things, which I'm not going to discuss.
It starts with emotions and thoughts. Which feed off each other.
When we have negative feelings, they are from negative thoughts,
but more negative thoughts come from feeling negative feelings.
It is a cycle that can be broken, it's just pretty hard to break it.
All our habitual things keep the cycle going.
But when we become aware of our habits, we can change them!
Anyway, I'm going to meditate or something and read, then go to bed.
If I can, otherwise I'm going to probably do more writing later.
It has been on my mind a bit, but probably not as often as I'd like it to be.
What I have learned is that it is hard to think optimistically,
when we aren't feeling very optimistic,
and it's hard to feel optimistic when we aren't thinking optimistically.
I had a huge challenge with this today,
because most of the day I was thinking about something that went wrong.
And I did react badly to it. I had a bad emotional reaction to it.
Because I jumped to conclusions. Which I didn't have to do.
If anything, that shows me the areas I need to work on the most
and I'm thankful that I got to see that, if anything.
I want to feel and be optimistic, but that comes with optimistic thoughts.
Having some hope for the future. Which I still struggle with, every day.
It can be hard because we keep seeing things one way,
I know I see things that way even though I don't have to look at them that way.
At least I'm recognizing some things. Which is a pretty big step.
Overall, I feel pretty good for and about next year.
I'm in for a lot of work, like DAILY stuff. I'll have to withdraw a lot more,
even though I'm pretty withdrawn, as it is.
This year seemed to have gone by pretty fast, actually.
It's just the last week or so that drags on and on and on.
I decided to go for a walk tonight. Just around the neighborhood.
It's cold and snowing, but I needed fresh air.
I got the message "It's for the best."
Then I felt like I had to look at the license plat numbers.
The other day, I saw 333 on one, and today I saw 333 twice.
The very last car was 217 and this has been my number for a few years.
And it was like "Now do you believe me that it's for the best?!"
Things happen the way they do for reasons. All kinds of reasons.
What happens next year is yet to be seen,
but I will be leaving town briefly, for a funeral, and I need it.
I need to get away for a few days, it will be good for me.
And I'll get to meet some relatives which will be great.
I've wanted to do one of those family reunion things. Just once.
Where all the family gets together. I have a big family on my mother's side.
I don't think she'll be there. I have a feeling that she won't be. It's okay.
At least this year I won't be alone on my birthday.
I probably won't have the money to do anything special or anything.
Being there is special enough. Getting to say goodbye to my great-aunt.
I just meant like I won't be there to do anything tourist-y.
That's not why I am going in the first place.
Nor will I be going for any fancy dinners or anything.
I'll be lucky to get there and have a place to stay when I do.
It's like if I hadn't been upset, I wouldn't have gone out tonight.
Had I not gone out, I wouldn't have seen that 217.
I can't even tell you how special it is to me.
The fact that it wasn't 216 or 218 or any other number... It was meant for me.
I can't even explain it, I really can't.
I was trying to think some optimistic thoughts.
Like "Look at the abundance of snowflakes falling from the sky!"
"Those represent the abundance of opportunities awaiting you!"
This year is going to be great. So much better than 2018.
It was a pretty rough year all around for many people.
Lots of changes and a lot of hard stuff. A lot of pain and grieving.
I still feel like I will be grieving a bit in 2019, but I don't think it'll be as heavy.
There are some things that I really need to focus on, though.
One of those things being acceptance.
And the other things I mentioned. If I haven't mentioned them,
then they are the things that I decided on earlier.
I have a lot of stuff to let go of. A lot. So much.
I don't even know why I've held onto it for so long.
Physical possessions, but emotional stuff that my reactions are based on.
Like feeling a certain way when similar things happen.
Being upset about things that don't actually matter.
Especially since things are ultimately working out for the best.
Even though they don't feel that way at the time.
And they don't feel that way because I'm not looking at them that way.
Which I know, but it's hard to look at them that way
when they don't feel that way...
But keeping that in mind helps.
"It doesn't feel that way because I'm having a hard time seeing it that way."
"Not because it's not that way..."
And not everything is the way it seems. It's not. I keep forgetting that.
There's a lot I keep forgetting. I do know it on some level,
but it seems like I can't remember it when I need to use it.
I remember it AFTER the fact, if at all.
I can get better and feel better, and think better. It does take time.
When I'm able to release more, the less will be weighing me down.
Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.
I feel like I need to clear my space, but I need to clear my mind also
by letting go, truly letting go. Which has been so hard.
Like I'm so loyal to my misery or something.
The reason I have been unable to move ahead and move on
is that I keep thinking about the past, a lot.
I can't look forward and look back at the same time. "Choose one."
I'm thankful for all the good in my past, even the very painful lessons.
But I do have to try to look forward as much as I can.
I don't need to dwell on things I had wished would have worked out.
I don't need to focus on things I can't change and can't fix.
There are things that can be changed and I must focus on those.
There are things I want to do and I want to have new experiences.
I want to start feeling good. Which I can, but not by focusing on the things
that evoke certain feelings that don't feel good. It's counterproductive.
So I have to decide where to focus and focus in those areas.
Everything else... Whatever. It can be everything else.
Today is the first day of an entirely new year.
Full of whatever comes my way, whatever it will be.
And I know it won't be everything I wanted, but I hope for something good.
Something in terms of just feeling so much better!
About myself, about my life, in general. About everything.
And this will require a SHIFT in persective.
I have to remember that to start seeing things differently,
I have to look at them differently. Not everything is as it seems.
Which was another lesson. The lessons keep showing up until we learn them.
It's just hard to learn them when we keep forgetting,
but some would say that if you truly learned your lesson, how could you forget?!
It would be embeded so deep in your mind, that you couldn't.
I guess I see what they mean. I'll keep learning until I LEARN.
A lot of new things are coming. It won't be a repeat of last year.
At least I don't think it will be. It'll be as different as I make it.
It'll only be the same if I make it the same, but yeah... There's a lot of release
that's been waiting to happen for a long time. A LONG time.
I've been feeling it in my gut. A lot. It doesn't feel good.
Been feeling it for a long time, and I can't even explain it, just a heavy feeling.
But a lot of emotional work in the near future for me. I'll probably write about it.
It's stuff that not a lot of people are doing that they could benefit from.
That I will benefit from. It's just tough having to figure it out on my own.
Maybe there will be opportunities that will arise so that I can take those.
I heard of some programs and I think I'll check them out.
They are there for a reason and I found out about them for a reason.
I have to work on being okay with whatever happens, too.
Because a lot of it will be out of my control.
And all I actually want is a sense of control. I don't need actual control.
The control I want is over my emotional reactions.
And some other things, which I'm not going to discuss.
It starts with emotions and thoughts. Which feed off each other.
When we have negative feelings, they are from negative thoughts,
but more negative thoughts come from feeling negative feelings.
It is a cycle that can be broken, it's just pretty hard to break it.
All our habitual things keep the cycle going.
But when we become aware of our habits, we can change them!
Anyway, I'm going to meditate or something and read, then go to bed.
If I can, otherwise I'm going to probably do more writing later.
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