Decided To Stay Home

I was invited to go to a film, but I decided to stay home today
because the weather isn't good today. It's snowing and blowing out there.
So I've decided to stay home, study, clean, rest.
I've got stuff to unload and to put away and to do.
Going to a film would have been nice, but it's like 5 hours long.
Plus travel time and I just have so much to do.
I haven't been socializing or doing much of anything
unless it's been related to this program.
The next 5 months are going to be really busy and tough, but worth it.

There was a lady in my group, she told me some personal things.
I told her a few things about myself, too.
I usually regret telling people things about myself.

One of the things she told me is that she's scared about losing everything.
Because we're working in a homeless shelter.
I've already been there. It doesn't scare me.
Yes, it's depressing. It's soul crushing. Or it can be.
It's also a level of freedom, though.
Especially if you're detached from things and desires etc.

I kept trying to tell her to focus on other things.
Because she was worried about certain things.
When we change our focus, we aren't focused on the things
that we worry about constantly.
It's hard to change our focus, I know.
But the more we focus on things, the more they magnify.
Things can get so magnified that they can take on a life of their own.
I know this because it has happened to me, in my own life.

What does scare me is the unknown and being unprepared...
BUT I don't want to give it a life of its own.
I don't want to magnify it.
So this is why I want to just change my focus.
Often, changing mu perspective helps, too.
All the things we aren't used to doing are hard until they aren't anymore.
It takes practice, daily. Every day. Just even a little here and there.
It doesn't have to be a lot each day, just five minutes to start.
Just thinking about it to start.
Because when we are thinking about things like this,
we aren't thinking about things that we usually do.

We don't have to keep looking at the same things,
we can look further down the road.
Instead of where we've been at.
I had a choice, to get into this program or try,
or just stay on my trajectory as it was.
It's either take the opportunities that present themselves,
or choose not to. It's a choice.
If you do take them, and they change your life, let them.
I've wanted change for so long but I wasn't taking any opportunities.
I was too scared that they would change my life in ways I didn't want.
But I still wanted my life to change. Of course for the better.

It is changing for the better. I have to believe that.
Because the more I believe it, the more I will see it.
And yes, it's really hard to believe in it.
And really hard to believe in ourselves.

A lady said that when a door closes, it's because we're not supposed to be there.
Other doors open and we'll see them as we keep moving forward.

I felt satisfied on Friday night. I ate so much good food
that my stomach felt so good and I realized what satisfaction felt like.
It showed me that I could feel satisfied. Internally.
And it showed me that yes, I need good quality food.
That's what my body has been craving like crazy.

But it also showed me all the ways I've been starving.
Physically, nutritionally, spiritually, socially,
and yes, even romatically.
I'd rather focus on my spirituality than trying to revamp
my social life or my love life.
Because it will help me believe in the things that are so hard right now.
That have always been so hard. Been it doesn't have to stay that way.
My whole life doesn't have to be the way it has been.
I don't have to stay the way I have been.
Nobody has to stay the way they have been.
It's a good feeling just to know that. It is.