Way Back When

Every now and then, I find a post I obviously wrote when I was drunk.
I can have one of two responses to it:
1) I can be embarrassed.
2) I can look back and see how far I've come.

I'm a lot different from how and who I was 10 years ago.
I'm not the same person as I was back then.

I was a disaster back then. A wreck.
Literally and figuratively.
And I was only partially aware of that fact.
Over the years I've had my rants and rampages.
As frustrated with myself as I was.
Little did I know that it was pointless.
That it would contribute nothing to my actual recovery.
I don't even like using that word, much. I prefer discovery.
I rarely read stuff from back then because I remember how I was.
To me, there's a HUGE difference between how I was and how I am now.

There's probably a lot of those. Over the 14 or 15 years or so.
Well over the 10 year span, I guess. Not any in the last 5 years.
I'd have to go back and re-read every single one of them
to see which ones were drunk postings and which ones weren't,
but either way, I think very differently today than I did back then.
Even in the last 5 years, I've made improvements.

I'm aware that people are going to judge me based on what and how I write.
I was always aware of it. They'll judge me no matter what I do
and no matter how I do it. So it stopped mattering so much to me.
What they think and how they look at me is beyond my control.
And the things that are beyond my control have little to do with me.

It's just a stark reminder that I'm not that person anymore
and I've grown so much since then. I've come a long way.
It goes to show that the amount of growth and the extent to which I've changed
is possible. Even when I didn't think it was.