I had a good conversation with my son tonight.
He's been keeping a lot to himself.
I got him to open up to me about some things that have been bothering him.
Which is a big step in the right direction.
I told him that he can talk to me any time about this stuff.
I went through what he was talking about
because I took the same medication that he's been taking.
Had I known the doctor was going to put him on that,
I would have objected right away. I wasn't there when that decision was made.
His father has been making a lot of decisions without my input.
I had a talk with him about getting rid of those pills because they are no good.
He never should have been put on those in the first place.
I get that depression is common in teenagers. I was once a teenager.
It's a lot to do with all these changes and adaptations,
our thoughts and feelings about having little control over anything.
I understand all of that completely.
I told him today that thoughts are just thoughts. That's all they are.
That we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts.
It helps to know what's been going on, though.
It really helps that he'll open up to me now. It feels good, too.
Before I couldn't get him to open up at all.
There's a lot of stuff that I wouldn't talk to my mother about
and I know that she wouldn't have been very supportive, anyway.
I think she does care, to some extent,
but she just doesn't know how to or can't show it.
I hugged my son many times, and thanked him for telling me.
That I know that he's a good kid and that things are going to be okay.
I know it has a lot to do with the medication he's been taking. I was on it.
A lot of people go through that stuff on that medication, not just us.
People have acted on their impulses
and actually went through with those thoughts.
But at the time I went through that, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it.
If I told anyone what I was thinking about when I took those pills,
they would have had me locked up in a heartbeat.
Nobody told me, back then, that thoughts were just thoughts.
All the doctors wanted to do was just medicate me.
And they gave me that crap, I trusted them.
They have no idea what it does.
They are told by clinic studies that it's 'okay.'
But they cherry pick that data. Of course they want to make it look good.
It isn't good. I know it isn't. There's evidence of it.
It's been a factor in a lot of homicides and suicides.
I get that my son just wants to feel better, we all do.
Taking that medication is only making matters worse.
We want to be able to trust doctors
and want to think they have our best interest at heart.
And we want to think they know what's good for us and what's not.
It's really hard to see that it can be and get better than this.
A lot has to do with the fact that we're not looking at it that way.
We keep looking at it in the way we have been for a really long time.
And it takes a really long time to realize
that we don't have to keep looking at it that way.
I had to get off all medications. All of them.
Just to start getting my head straightened out.
Just to start getting my thoughts and my thinking straightened out.
For the longest time, I thought that what I was going through was all there was.
I couldn't see the 'light' at the end of the 'tunnel.'
But the thing is that I didn't realize that the 'tunnel' was an illusion.
That I was creating it by how I was thinking at that time in my life.
It took me a really long time to realize that. A really long time.
Being an introvert, I identified a lot with my thoughts.
I attached myself to my thoughts. I've lived in my own head most of my life.
When people think and think and think, they feel and feel and feel.
And yeah, it's not easy to just control our minds.
BUT, if we don't, they will f*cking control us.
It's so easy to feel sh*tty when we keep thinking sh*tty thoughts.
But we don't know how to stop thinking these sh*tty thoughts.
Especially when they are intrusive and repetitive.
I've been dealing with that sh*t for most of my life. I get it. Totally.
Becoming aware of certain things has literally changed my life.
And literally saved my life. I wanted to just give up so many times.
I came very close a bunch of times.
I'd be in jail right now if I acted on my thoughts.
Or a mental hospital or something.
I'm thankful every single day that I was strong enough not to act on them.
But I'm also thankful that I know what it's like to go through that.
Partially because I know that I'm not my thoughts
and my thoughts don't say anything about who I am.
And that was a prime example of that.
But when you're going through that, it's very hard to tell
if what you're going through is you or the medication.
It took me a long time to realize it was the medication and wasn't me.
We think "how can it be the medication the doctors said it was safe to take?
That they recommended to me? That they prescribed to me?
Shouldn't I be able to trust a doctor to know what's good and isn't?
Maybe we all react to medications differently,
but there ARE side effects and some pretty alarming, and damaging side effects.
Like shouldn't 'suicidal thoughts' NOT be a side effect
of medication that's supposed to be an anti-depressant?!
And we're giving this to our kids?!?! I didn't know my son was taking this.
Kids don't have a strong enough constitution to realize certain things.
They don't have very good impulse control most of the time.
It's basically setting them up for a disaster and waiting for it to happen.
I know that when I was a teen, I didn't think I could have control over my thoughts.
I didn't know that I could choose to not think about something
or choose to think about something else.
So I had a lot of habitual thought patterns going on.
But I didn't know that it was just a bunch of habitual thought patterns.
I didn't know that I could change those by working on changing those.
I was so focused on so much crap.
There was school, there were hormones, there was all kinds of stuff.
There was trying to fit into society... There was all that sh*t society teaches us.
I didn't know that it was just sh*t, that I didn't need any of it.
I was just going through the 'motions,' every single day
and feeling like sh*t because I wanted and needed more than that.
But I couldn't get any of what I wanted or needed from OUT THERE.
Except I didn't learn that for a really long time.
As much of an introvert that I am, I wasn't focused on the things I needed to.
I didn't know what I needed to focus on. I was focused on
what I thought would give me the feelings I wanted to have.
But they never did. Because they couldn't.
I kept trying, because I didn't know any better.
The harder I tried though, the worse it got.
I just wanted to feel good! What's so wrong with wanting that?! Right?
There's nothing wrong with wanting that. At all. Ever.
We just keep looking for something where we're not going to find it.
That's why it is frustrating! We don't even know it isn't there.
Because we keep getting told by society that it is. It's not.
But we are so blinded by our beliefs that it is there,
that we even see that it isn't. We can't see it might be somewhere else.
We can literally spend our entire lives looking for something where it isn't.
The more we want it, the more we will keep looking for it,
but if it isn't where we keep looking for it,
we aren't going to find it.
HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB!
If we drop something inside our house, are we going to find it outside? No!
So why do we think that it's that way when it comes to other things?
It's not about finding or having the 'things' that will 'make' us happy.
We can't place conditions on how we feel.
Because if we do that, we'll keep having to do that
then wonder why we can't be 'happy' unless certain 'conditions' are met.
The more hoops we have to jump through,
the more hoops we'll keep needing to jump through.
The reason we are unhappy is because none of us want to jump through hoops.
We keep worrying about all the damn hoops,
when you take away the hoops, there are no more hoops.
There's a way to start priming the mind so that we can un-condition it.
It's pretty hard to do when the things that don't actually matter still matter to us.
I cared about so much inconsequential sh*t
because I didn't realize that it was only inconsequential sh*t.
I thought it made all the difference in the world. It makes NO difference.
Having this or that, wanting this or that... It all means the same damn thing.
It actually means NOTHING. It doesn't matter.
I let so much crap affect me. Everything I ever wanted or thought I needed.
I made it matter to me so much that I felt like sh*t
because I couldn't get it and when I had it, I couldn't appreciate it.
Because I couldn't see what had true value and worth and what didn't.
I kept thinking... "I'll be happy IF I have (whatever)"
"I'll be happy WHEN I have (whatever)."
Happiness doesn't come from satisfying desires and urges,
it's not some instantaneous, immediate gratification thing.
You can't BUY happiness. Any belief that you can is false.
Because if you place your happiness on anything that can be taken away,
guess what?! You won't be happy without (whatever).
So is that what you want? Or do you actually want something long lasting?
Something that can't be taken away from you?
Something that you don't have to be 'rich' to 'buy'?
The greatest riches you will ever have
is the ability to control and direct your mind.
That can't be bought. It has no price tag. It is priceless.
Its value and worth is BEYOND measure.
There's so much more we can do with the power of our own minds
than we can ever do with anything we could ever hope to get from the OUTSIDE.
He's been keeping a lot to himself.
I got him to open up to me about some things that have been bothering him.
Which is a big step in the right direction.
I told him that he can talk to me any time about this stuff.
I went through what he was talking about
because I took the same medication that he's been taking.
Had I known the doctor was going to put him on that,
I would have objected right away. I wasn't there when that decision was made.
His father has been making a lot of decisions without my input.
I had a talk with him about getting rid of those pills because they are no good.
He never should have been put on those in the first place.
I get that depression is common in teenagers. I was once a teenager.
It's a lot to do with all these changes and adaptations,
our thoughts and feelings about having little control over anything.
I understand all of that completely.
I told him today that thoughts are just thoughts. That's all they are.
That we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts.
It helps to know what's been going on, though.
It really helps that he'll open up to me now. It feels good, too.
Before I couldn't get him to open up at all.
There's a lot of stuff that I wouldn't talk to my mother about
and I know that she wouldn't have been very supportive, anyway.
I think she does care, to some extent,
but she just doesn't know how to or can't show it.
I hugged my son many times, and thanked him for telling me.
That I know that he's a good kid and that things are going to be okay.
I know it has a lot to do with the medication he's been taking. I was on it.
A lot of people go through that stuff on that medication, not just us.
People have acted on their impulses
and actually went through with those thoughts.
But at the time I went through that, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it.
If I told anyone what I was thinking about when I took those pills,
they would have had me locked up in a heartbeat.
Nobody told me, back then, that thoughts were just thoughts.
All the doctors wanted to do was just medicate me.
And they gave me that crap, I trusted them.
They have no idea what it does.
They are told by clinic studies that it's 'okay.'
But they cherry pick that data. Of course they want to make it look good.
It isn't good. I know it isn't. There's evidence of it.
It's been a factor in a lot of homicides and suicides.
I get that my son just wants to feel better, we all do.
Taking that medication is only making matters worse.
We want to be able to trust doctors
and want to think they have our best interest at heart.
And we want to think they know what's good for us and what's not.
It's really hard to see that it can be and get better than this.
A lot has to do with the fact that we're not looking at it that way.
We keep looking at it in the way we have been for a really long time.
And it takes a really long time to realize
that we don't have to keep looking at it that way.
I had to get off all medications. All of them.
Just to start getting my head straightened out.
Just to start getting my thoughts and my thinking straightened out.
For the longest time, I thought that what I was going through was all there was.
I couldn't see the 'light' at the end of the 'tunnel.'
But the thing is that I didn't realize that the 'tunnel' was an illusion.
That I was creating it by how I was thinking at that time in my life.
It took me a really long time to realize that. A really long time.
Being an introvert, I identified a lot with my thoughts.
I attached myself to my thoughts. I've lived in my own head most of my life.
When people think and think and think, they feel and feel and feel.
And yeah, it's not easy to just control our minds.
BUT, if we don't, they will f*cking control us.
It's so easy to feel sh*tty when we keep thinking sh*tty thoughts.
But we don't know how to stop thinking these sh*tty thoughts.
Especially when they are intrusive and repetitive.
I've been dealing with that sh*t for most of my life. I get it. Totally.
Becoming aware of certain things has literally changed my life.
And literally saved my life. I wanted to just give up so many times.
I came very close a bunch of times.
I'd be in jail right now if I acted on my thoughts.
Or a mental hospital or something.
I'm thankful every single day that I was strong enough not to act on them.
But I'm also thankful that I know what it's like to go through that.
Partially because I know that I'm not my thoughts
and my thoughts don't say anything about who I am.
And that was a prime example of that.
But when you're going through that, it's very hard to tell
if what you're going through is you or the medication.
It took me a long time to realize it was the medication and wasn't me.
We think "how can it be the medication the doctors said it was safe to take?
That they recommended to me? That they prescribed to me?
Shouldn't I be able to trust a doctor to know what's good and isn't?
Maybe we all react to medications differently,
but there ARE side effects and some pretty alarming, and damaging side effects.
Like shouldn't 'suicidal thoughts' NOT be a side effect
of medication that's supposed to be an anti-depressant?!
And we're giving this to our kids?!?! I didn't know my son was taking this.
Kids don't have a strong enough constitution to realize certain things.
They don't have very good impulse control most of the time.
It's basically setting them up for a disaster and waiting for it to happen.
I know that when I was a teen, I didn't think I could have control over my thoughts.
I didn't know that I could choose to not think about something
or choose to think about something else.
So I had a lot of habitual thought patterns going on.
But I didn't know that it was just a bunch of habitual thought patterns.
I didn't know that I could change those by working on changing those.
I was so focused on so much crap.
There was school, there were hormones, there was all kinds of stuff.
There was trying to fit into society... There was all that sh*t society teaches us.
I didn't know that it was just sh*t, that I didn't need any of it.
I was just going through the 'motions,' every single day
and feeling like sh*t because I wanted and needed more than that.
But I couldn't get any of what I wanted or needed from OUT THERE.
Except I didn't learn that for a really long time.
As much of an introvert that I am, I wasn't focused on the things I needed to.
I didn't know what I needed to focus on. I was focused on
what I thought would give me the feelings I wanted to have.
But they never did. Because they couldn't.
I kept trying, because I didn't know any better.
The harder I tried though, the worse it got.
I just wanted to feel good! What's so wrong with wanting that?! Right?
There's nothing wrong with wanting that. At all. Ever.
We just keep looking for something where we're not going to find it.
That's why it is frustrating! We don't even know it isn't there.
Because we keep getting told by society that it is. It's not.
But we are so blinded by our beliefs that it is there,
that we even see that it isn't. We can't see it might be somewhere else.
We can literally spend our entire lives looking for something where it isn't.
The more we want it, the more we will keep looking for it,
but if it isn't where we keep looking for it,
we aren't going to find it.
HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB!
If we drop something inside our house, are we going to find it outside? No!
So why do we think that it's that way when it comes to other things?
It's not about finding or having the 'things' that will 'make' us happy.
We can't place conditions on how we feel.
Because if we do that, we'll keep having to do that
then wonder why we can't be 'happy' unless certain 'conditions' are met.
The more hoops we have to jump through,
the more hoops we'll keep needing to jump through.
The reason we are unhappy is because none of us want to jump through hoops.
We keep worrying about all the damn hoops,
when you take away the hoops, there are no more hoops.
There's a way to start priming the mind so that we can un-condition it.
It's pretty hard to do when the things that don't actually matter still matter to us.
I cared about so much inconsequential sh*t
because I didn't realize that it was only inconsequential sh*t.
I thought it made all the difference in the world. It makes NO difference.
Having this or that, wanting this or that... It all means the same damn thing.
It actually means NOTHING. It doesn't matter.
I let so much crap affect me. Everything I ever wanted or thought I needed.
I made it matter to me so much that I felt like sh*t
because I couldn't get it and when I had it, I couldn't appreciate it.
Because I couldn't see what had true value and worth and what didn't.
I kept thinking... "I'll be happy IF I have (whatever)"
"I'll be happy WHEN I have (whatever)."
Happiness doesn't come from satisfying desires and urges,
it's not some instantaneous, immediate gratification thing.
You can't BUY happiness. Any belief that you can is false.
Because if you place your happiness on anything that can be taken away,
guess what?! You won't be happy without (whatever).
So is that what you want? Or do you actually want something long lasting?
Something that can't be taken away from you?
Something that you don't have to be 'rich' to 'buy'?
The greatest riches you will ever have
is the ability to control and direct your mind.
That can't be bought. It has no price tag. It is priceless.
Its value and worth is BEYOND measure.
There's so much more we can do with the power of our own minds
than we can ever do with anything we could ever hope to get from the OUTSIDE.
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