Wow, I posted a lot yesterday. I guess I had a lot on my mind.
I don't usually write that much. Or even post that much.
I've got to stay focused on this assignment. It's important to me.
It's just that I have to also take breaks from the tedious parts of this assignment.
Because the edges are driving me crazy right now.
I'm almost done, this part though.
I'm removing the background from a coffee cup.
The issue I'm having is with the curves. It's very hard to make them look smooth.
I don't want it to look "off" in any way.
The thing is that I notice when there's a few pixels missing
or when there's a few pixels where they shouldn't be.
Even when it's such a minute detail, I still notice it
and then I think others will notice it.
I know there's no such thing as true perfection,
but I keep striving to get as close as I can get hahaha.
It's really the curve at the bottom that's bugging me.
It's the most important as it is the most noticeable.
Technically, I'm going over the edge on the edges.
Then I think, "What if he doesn't like the coffee cup,
after spending countless hours removing the background from it?"
And no, it shouldn't take me countless hours,
the pros don't spend countless hours on one image, do they?
I think "What if he doesn't like my design or my ideas?"
Then what will I do? I will have to come up with something else.
Then all the hours I spent to do this.... Gone. Used up. Lost.
Anyway, they are his menus. He can have them the way he wants them.
I just want to show him that I can do a good job on it.
So that he might hire me for other assignments.
But it is important to take breaks. That's why I went to the library today.
Not only to take a break from the assignment,
but to take a break from the computer. A break from my apartment.
It's actually easier for me to focus when I go somewhere
where I'm there to focus. On something specific. Like reading.
Here, it's easy to talk myself out of reading
because there's always some distraction and I allow myself to get distracted.
With blogging, with other internet related things.
Instead of focusing on the task at hand.
At the library, I'm just there to read. I can browse, too,
but I'm mainly there to read and then go home.
If I read a chapter each time I go, I can finish a book in two weeks or so.
Instead of taking months to read a book at home.
I don't know why it's harder to read at home.
Probably because there's all kinds of other things I could be doing.
My mind tends to wander more.
Anyway, I feel like I can only focus on this assignment an hour or so at a time.
Otherwise, it starts driving me crazy and I need to take a break.
....I'm trying to figure some things out. Besides this design stuff.
Probably writing this because I'm getting emotional again.
It's so stupid, I know. I even laugh at it now.
I guess some of it is grieving stuff. I know I have to accept the losses.
Even the letting go stuff. Something else will come along, eventually.
I don't think I'll be alone forever, but this time, I need it.
It's not hitting my heart as it used to. It used to really ache, pretty badly.
I wouldn't call it enduring or coping, more accepting.
It was really hard to accept that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted.
Like I wanted to have been married by now, have a family life.
I did have a family, for a while, but my ex didn't want to marry me.
And that was hard to accept because I wanted to marry him.
Or so I thought. Maybe he wasn't the one for me after all.
It was still hard for me to accept.
A lot has been really hard for me to accept. I still struggle with it.
I'm beginning to see that it isn't the way I thought it was.
A lot of it was a construct. I guess it all is, technically.
Because it changes depending on how you look at it.
I had it constructed a certain way for years and years.
And I had no idea that I was the one building it and building onto it.
It wasn't what I wanted and I kept adding more of what I didn't want to it.
It's still not what I wanted it to be, but I have to let go of the ideas
of how it should have been because it's not that way, obviously.
There's no husband, no romance, no pillow talks, no whatever.
And I'm going to be 35 years old. Still not married.
I may not get to get married or have any of that.
And I have to be okay with that. If that's the way things turn out,
then that's the way things turn out.
I have to let go of what I wanted and let go of not having it.
I have to let go of these wishes and those dreams I had a long time ago.
I have to let go of the ultimate outcome of my life.
Lots of things can still happen, at the right time. If they do.
I just get emotional thinking about all that I'm missing out on.
And all that I have missed out on. Certain experiences I never got to have.
I never got asked to a dance. I never went to prom. I didn't have one.
Just a bunch of stupid things like that. They are just experiences.
All of it. Just experiences. Just feels like my life is passing me by sometimes.
Like all these experiences were meant for others. Not me.
If they were meant for me, I would have gotten those.
It's easy to question whether or not I'm worthy of certain experiences.
Since some seem to have them and I did not.
I know I'm too old to get asked to a dance or go to a prom.
That's long since passed me by. A long time ago.
I don't even know why I get emotional thinking about the things
that I never got to experience.
Dances are just dances, proms are just proms. It's okay.
Like deep down inside I know that. My heart is just being brainless, again.
I don't usually write that much. Or even post that much.
I've got to stay focused on this assignment. It's important to me.
It's just that I have to also take breaks from the tedious parts of this assignment.
Because the edges are driving me crazy right now.
I'm almost done, this part though.
I'm removing the background from a coffee cup.
The issue I'm having is with the curves. It's very hard to make them look smooth.
I don't want it to look "off" in any way.
The thing is that I notice when there's a few pixels missing
or when there's a few pixels where they shouldn't be.
Even when it's such a minute detail, I still notice it
and then I think others will notice it.
I know there's no such thing as true perfection,
but I keep striving to get as close as I can get hahaha.
It's really the curve at the bottom that's bugging me.
It's the most important as it is the most noticeable.
Technically, I'm going over the edge on the edges.
Then I think, "What if he doesn't like the coffee cup,
after spending countless hours removing the background from it?"
And no, it shouldn't take me countless hours,
the pros don't spend countless hours on one image, do they?
I think "What if he doesn't like my design or my ideas?"
Then what will I do? I will have to come up with something else.
Then all the hours I spent to do this.... Gone. Used up. Lost.
Anyway, they are his menus. He can have them the way he wants them.
I just want to show him that I can do a good job on it.
So that he might hire me for other assignments.
But it is important to take breaks. That's why I went to the library today.
Not only to take a break from the assignment,
but to take a break from the computer. A break from my apartment.
It's actually easier for me to focus when I go somewhere
where I'm there to focus. On something specific. Like reading.
Here, it's easy to talk myself out of reading
because there's always some distraction and I allow myself to get distracted.
With blogging, with other internet related things.
Instead of focusing on the task at hand.
At the library, I'm just there to read. I can browse, too,
but I'm mainly there to read and then go home.
If I read a chapter each time I go, I can finish a book in two weeks or so.
Instead of taking months to read a book at home.
I don't know why it's harder to read at home.
Probably because there's all kinds of other things I could be doing.
My mind tends to wander more.
Anyway, I feel like I can only focus on this assignment an hour or so at a time.
Otherwise, it starts driving me crazy and I need to take a break.
....I'm trying to figure some things out. Besides this design stuff.
Probably writing this because I'm getting emotional again.
It's so stupid, I know. I even laugh at it now.
I guess some of it is grieving stuff. I know I have to accept the losses.
Even the letting go stuff. Something else will come along, eventually.
I don't think I'll be alone forever, but this time, I need it.
It's not hitting my heart as it used to. It used to really ache, pretty badly.
I wouldn't call it enduring or coping, more accepting.
It was really hard to accept that my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted.
Like I wanted to have been married by now, have a family life.
I did have a family, for a while, but my ex didn't want to marry me.
And that was hard to accept because I wanted to marry him.
Or so I thought. Maybe he wasn't the one for me after all.
It was still hard for me to accept.
A lot has been really hard for me to accept. I still struggle with it.
I'm beginning to see that it isn't the way I thought it was.
A lot of it was a construct. I guess it all is, technically.
Because it changes depending on how you look at it.
I had it constructed a certain way for years and years.
And I had no idea that I was the one building it and building onto it.
It wasn't what I wanted and I kept adding more of what I didn't want to it.
It's still not what I wanted it to be, but I have to let go of the ideas
of how it should have been because it's not that way, obviously.
There's no husband, no romance, no pillow talks, no whatever.
And I'm going to be 35 years old. Still not married.
I may not get to get married or have any of that.
And I have to be okay with that. If that's the way things turn out,
then that's the way things turn out.
I have to let go of what I wanted and let go of not having it.
I have to let go of these wishes and those dreams I had a long time ago.
I have to let go of the ultimate outcome of my life.
Lots of things can still happen, at the right time. If they do.
I just get emotional thinking about all that I'm missing out on.
And all that I have missed out on. Certain experiences I never got to have.
I never got asked to a dance. I never went to prom. I didn't have one.
Just a bunch of stupid things like that. They are just experiences.
All of it. Just experiences. Just feels like my life is passing me by sometimes.
Like all these experiences were meant for others. Not me.
If they were meant for me, I would have gotten those.
It's easy to question whether or not I'm worthy of certain experiences.
Since some seem to have them and I did not.
I know I'm too old to get asked to a dance or go to a prom.
That's long since passed me by. A long time ago.
I don't even know why I get emotional thinking about the things
that I never got to experience.
Dances are just dances, proms are just proms. It's okay.
Like deep down inside I know that. My heart is just being brainless, again.
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