Sometimes we just have to let things happen however they are going to turn out.
Sometimes we are hopeful for something to unfold the way we would like it to,
but it doesn't unfold that way. For whatever reasons.
I'm still in the process of trusting the process and trusting itself...
Anyone or anything, even myself... It's HARD!
Even when I don't want to doubt it, I have my doubts.
I have my reasons for wanting what I want and not wanting what I don't want.
When it comes to othe people.... I know they have their motives.
They can try to fool me and manipulate me because they want something.
Not all people want something. Just it seems that most do.
Because they are self interested. Like it only matters what they want.
I understand to a degree, when I used to drink I was pretty selfish.
I wanted to be happy and wanted the things I thought would 'make' me happy.
Instead of just being happy for the sake of it (I still struggle with this).
Today I'm having reactions to my thoughts again.
Thinking that people are not telling me the truth.
That they are either outright lying or hiding things. I don't like it.
Like telling me they want to get to know me, but they really couldn't care less.
All they did care about is achieving something. Making progress with me,
but to achieve anything with me and make progress with me,
you have to actually take the time to get to know me and have patience.
"Sorry that didn't work out for you... Not sorry."
So I'm finding it hard to shift my focus.
On things other than this because I guess it's really bothering me.
Like just be honest: "Hey, I want to f*ck you."
"Thanks for your honesty, but I'm not interested."
Instead of saying: "I want to get to know you, let's have coffee."
When it isn't about getting to know me or having coffee with me.
Like "Do you really think I'm going to trust you
if you can't have a coffee with me?!" Get f*cking REAL.
After two years of waiting for someone to ACTUALLY
want to get to know me.... Like REALLY get to know me...
Just as a friend, as a person... Not as a "Hmmm, maybe I can get her into bed
because in the end that's all I want."
And this is WHY I gave up wanting something with anyone.
Because I'm a person, not a f*cking CONQUEST.
Yes, I have breasts and a vagina,
but I have a heart, a soul, a MIND OF MY OWN!
THIS is why I want to pursue other things.
Because it seems that others really don't GET that there's MORE to LIFE!
And the THINGS that they WANT aren't
what are going to MAKE them HAPPY.
They either decide to be happy and work on that internally,
or they keep chasing things that are going to run the f*ck away.
I'm smart enough to KNOW when someone is looking at me as a person
and when they are looking at me like I'm a piece of ass.
Before I got with my ex I hadn't had sex for 2 years.
After my ex I haven't had sex for 2 years...
Why bother having sex for the hell of it?! That does not satisfy me at all!
I'd rather have sex with someone I LOVE or none at all.
But guess what?! Falling in love with someone you don't know is pointless.
Because if you don't know them, you only love things ABOUT them.
Can I seriously expect anyone to take the TIME to get to KNOW me?!
No. Because they don't want to 'waste' time getting to know someone anymore.
They'll start seeing people as humans with flaws and all that crap
instead of some fantasy they created in their minds.
Why face reality when you can fantasize about complete strangers?!
Sexually, even? And when they even get the chance, IF they do...
They'll be disappointed anyway because it won't compare to their fantasy.
I mean, if people want to set themselves up for disappointment...
They can go ahead and do that. If they really want to... But why?!
When I want to get to know a guy, I just want to get to know HIM.
Coffee and dinner isn't code for sex.
I'm not expecting or hoping for it to lead to more.
I genuinely want to get to KNOW a person. WHO are they?!
WHAT do they like?! WHAT are they like?!
HOW they THINK?! HOW do they FEEL?!
It's always been more than "What do you do for a living?"
Like I give a f*ck if you scrub toilets or whatever the hell you do...
Just every little thing that gives me any insight into THEM.
Because it's ABOUT THEM, not what they do, not what they have....
I do not give a f*ck about any of that!!!! So why the hell do so many?!
Anyway, maybe I'm just feeling let down or disappointed or whatever...
Then having thoughts about how I feel today.
Things are going to change. I'm going to really get going with this.
Once I really get over setbacks and these little blips here and there.
What's good is that I used to brood for days and days, even weeks.
Now, maybe an hour, maybe a day or two at the most.
I've really been trying to focus on other things and keep learning and growing.
In the end, learning and growing do matter.
So much more than what anyone thought they could get from me.
Sometimes we are hopeful for something to unfold the way we would like it to,
but it doesn't unfold that way. For whatever reasons.
I'm still in the process of trusting the process and trusting itself...
Anyone or anything, even myself... It's HARD!
Even when I don't want to doubt it, I have my doubts.
I have my reasons for wanting what I want and not wanting what I don't want.
When it comes to othe people.... I know they have their motives.
They can try to fool me and manipulate me because they want something.
Not all people want something. Just it seems that most do.
Because they are self interested. Like it only matters what they want.
I understand to a degree, when I used to drink I was pretty selfish.
I wanted to be happy and wanted the things I thought would 'make' me happy.
Instead of just being happy for the sake of it (I still struggle with this).
Today I'm having reactions to my thoughts again.
Thinking that people are not telling me the truth.
That they are either outright lying or hiding things. I don't like it.
Like telling me they want to get to know me, but they really couldn't care less.
All they did care about is achieving something. Making progress with me,
but to achieve anything with me and make progress with me,
you have to actually take the time to get to know me and have patience.
"Sorry that didn't work out for you... Not sorry."
So I'm finding it hard to shift my focus.
On things other than this because I guess it's really bothering me.
Like just be honest: "Hey, I want to f*ck you."
"Thanks for your honesty, but I'm not interested."
Instead of saying: "I want to get to know you, let's have coffee."
When it isn't about getting to know me or having coffee with me.
Like "Do you really think I'm going to trust you
if you can't have a coffee with me?!" Get f*cking REAL.
After two years of waiting for someone to ACTUALLY
want to get to know me.... Like REALLY get to know me...
Just as a friend, as a person... Not as a "Hmmm, maybe I can get her into bed
because in the end that's all I want."
And this is WHY I gave up wanting something with anyone.
Because I'm a person, not a f*cking CONQUEST.
Yes, I have breasts and a vagina,
but I have a heart, a soul, a MIND OF MY OWN!
THIS is why I want to pursue other things.
Because it seems that others really don't GET that there's MORE to LIFE!
And the THINGS that they WANT aren't
what are going to MAKE them HAPPY.
They either decide to be happy and work on that internally,
or they keep chasing things that are going to run the f*ck away.
I'm smart enough to KNOW when someone is looking at me as a person
and when they are looking at me like I'm a piece of ass.
Before I got with my ex I hadn't had sex for 2 years.
After my ex I haven't had sex for 2 years...
Why bother having sex for the hell of it?! That does not satisfy me at all!
I'd rather have sex with someone I LOVE or none at all.
But guess what?! Falling in love with someone you don't know is pointless.
Because if you don't know them, you only love things ABOUT them.
Can I seriously expect anyone to take the TIME to get to KNOW me?!
No. Because they don't want to 'waste' time getting to know someone anymore.
They'll start seeing people as humans with flaws and all that crap
instead of some fantasy they created in their minds.
Why face reality when you can fantasize about complete strangers?!
Sexually, even? And when they even get the chance, IF they do...
They'll be disappointed anyway because it won't compare to their fantasy.
I mean, if people want to set themselves up for disappointment...
They can go ahead and do that. If they really want to... But why?!
When I want to get to know a guy, I just want to get to know HIM.
Coffee and dinner isn't code for sex.
I'm not expecting or hoping for it to lead to more.
I genuinely want to get to KNOW a person. WHO are they?!
WHAT do they like?! WHAT are they like?!
HOW they THINK?! HOW do they FEEL?!
It's always been more than "What do you do for a living?"
Like I give a f*ck if you scrub toilets or whatever the hell you do...
Just every little thing that gives me any insight into THEM.
Because it's ABOUT THEM, not what they do, not what they have....
I do not give a f*ck about any of that!!!! So why the hell do so many?!
Anyway, maybe I'm just feeling let down or disappointed or whatever...
Then having thoughts about how I feel today.
Things are going to change. I'm going to really get going with this.
Once I really get over setbacks and these little blips here and there.
What's good is that I used to brood for days and days, even weeks.
Now, maybe an hour, maybe a day or two at the most.
I've really been trying to focus on other things and keep learning and growing.
In the end, learning and growing do matter.
So much more than what anyone thought they could get from me.
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