I figured out what the "Grief Work" card is for.
Why I got the cards I got for this month.
Celebration in reverse and all of that.
I had a talk about this with my friend tonight.
After an episode with my brother screaming at me.
I called him to wish him a Merry Christmas
and maybe make plans with him to see him soon.
Since the rest of my family is literally ignoring me.
Taking my mother's side, not mine.
Acting like I called my mother toxic when I said our relationship was.
Because that's how my mother is acting.
So I'm like grieving the loss of my family,
even though we were never close to begin with.
I'm also grieving the loss of any possibility
of having any healthy relationship with any of them.
And as my friend pointed out, they probably have mental health issues.
And people with mental health issues trying to relate to each other,
those issues conflicting with other issues etc.
Over the past week or so, I've been working on surrendering
the outcome of situations. Apparently I have to work on that some more.
Right after I got off the phone with my friend, the clock was 4:44.
And maybe this is all divine intervention stuff.
Like maybe one day they'll see me, but maybe they won't
and if they don't and they can't, then it's not about me.
Where I want to be in my life has very little to do with them.
It's work that I have to do for myself.
If they miss me, they miss me, but if they don't, they don't have to.
I just can't pretend to be happy with the way things have been
and with the way things are when I am not.
I can't pretend to be okay with the way people treat me
when I'm really not okay with it.
And if they don't want to try at all, then I don't have to, either.
It goes both ways. We get what we put out. Often.
Maybe I wasn't trying enough, I don't know. Maybe I was trying too much.
I really don't know. All that I do know is that I have to move forward
and keep moving forward and let everything just be as it is.
While letting it be whatever it will be.
There was something a tarot card reader was saying in a reading.
About letting people just fall on their own faces
so that they can wake up.
It's not a nice way to wake up, but sometimes it is the only way.
Also it goes to show how much I really valued validation and acceptance.
Because I wanted both from my family, my entire life.
And I wanted understanding and a little bit od support.
Wanting those 4 things... I wanted too much.
I'm still me with or without those things.
I'm still me regardless of having those things
from the people I really want those things from
or not having those things from the people I really want those things from.
Even some acknowledgement.
But wanting isn't helping me feel good about anything.
It has always come at a cost and that cost of feeling okay about myself.
And I wanted them to understand how important that was for me.
And why I wanted those things from them.
Except they aren't able to see it let alone understand that.
And it really bothered me for a really long time
to the point where I couldn't just let it go and just stop wanting what I wanted.
So I'm grieving what I wanted and any semblence of having that.
My friend was saying that it's okay to feel the way I feel about it.
And that my reactions are normal reactions.
I just keep thinking that my reactions are based on my interpretations
and I can reinterpret everything in other ways.
So can everyone, actually.
Like I literally gave my mother an opportunity to realize
that we could have a better relationship
and finally realize that's what I wanted all along,
but it requires her to realize things that she's not ready to realize.
And maybe she won't realize these things until years later.
Maybe she won't, ever.
Maybe I'll cease to exist to her and to my family
until they realize that I actually have some worth. Who knows?
But either way, I have to like let go of how I wanted it to be
and let go of how I wanted them to be and just live my life.
Like I never expected anything in my family to be perfect,
or anyone in my family to be perfect, but I just wanted them to try
to just... I don't even know how to put it into words. Grow a little bit.
Just a little bit. Try to have an actual relationship with me.
Expecting perfection is expecting too much. I know this.
But expecting it from me is expecting too much, also.
And although I'm not perfect, I did try with them. I did.
And not just because I wanted them to try, too.
Everything happened the only way it could have because it had to.
For me to just break off on my own and just try for me.
And try for the people who try.
The overall card for next year is Family Changes.
"You needn't worry about this shift,
because it unfolds with Divine blessings.
This change only arises because of the free will choice
of those involved. In the long run, it always works out for the best.
This change will bring you closer together and bond you in new ways."
I don't know what it has to take or what it will take, maybe a miracle,
but that is neither here nor there. I have to surrender the outcome.
Which I probably should have started working on a long time ago,
but there are reasons why I had to start now
and couldn't start or wouldn't start back then.
Just as I guess my family has their reasons for not trying to try.
Why I got the cards I got for this month.
Celebration in reverse and all of that.
I had a talk about this with my friend tonight.
After an episode with my brother screaming at me.
I called him to wish him a Merry Christmas
and maybe make plans with him to see him soon.
Since the rest of my family is literally ignoring me.
Taking my mother's side, not mine.
Acting like I called my mother toxic when I said our relationship was.
Because that's how my mother is acting.
So I'm like grieving the loss of my family,
even though we were never close to begin with.
I'm also grieving the loss of any possibility
of having any healthy relationship with any of them.
And as my friend pointed out, they probably have mental health issues.
And people with mental health issues trying to relate to each other,
those issues conflicting with other issues etc.
Over the past week or so, I've been working on surrendering
the outcome of situations. Apparently I have to work on that some more.
Right after I got off the phone with my friend, the clock was 4:44.
And maybe this is all divine intervention stuff.
Like maybe one day they'll see me, but maybe they won't
and if they don't and they can't, then it's not about me.
Where I want to be in my life has very little to do with them.
It's work that I have to do for myself.
If they miss me, they miss me, but if they don't, they don't have to.
I just can't pretend to be happy with the way things have been
and with the way things are when I am not.
I can't pretend to be okay with the way people treat me
when I'm really not okay with it.
And if they don't want to try at all, then I don't have to, either.
It goes both ways. We get what we put out. Often.
Maybe I wasn't trying enough, I don't know. Maybe I was trying too much.
I really don't know. All that I do know is that I have to move forward
and keep moving forward and let everything just be as it is.
While letting it be whatever it will be.
There was something a tarot card reader was saying in a reading.
About letting people just fall on their own faces
so that they can wake up.
It's not a nice way to wake up, but sometimes it is the only way.
Also it goes to show how much I really valued validation and acceptance.
Because I wanted both from my family, my entire life.
And I wanted understanding and a little bit od support.
Wanting those 4 things... I wanted too much.
I'm still me with or without those things.
I'm still me regardless of having those things
from the people I really want those things from
or not having those things from the people I really want those things from.
Even some acknowledgement.
But wanting isn't helping me feel good about anything.
It has always come at a cost and that cost of feeling okay about myself.
And I wanted them to understand how important that was for me.
And why I wanted those things from them.
Except they aren't able to see it let alone understand that.
And it really bothered me for a really long time
to the point where I couldn't just let it go and just stop wanting what I wanted.
So I'm grieving what I wanted and any semblence of having that.
My friend was saying that it's okay to feel the way I feel about it.
And that my reactions are normal reactions.
I just keep thinking that my reactions are based on my interpretations
and I can reinterpret everything in other ways.
So can everyone, actually.
Like I literally gave my mother an opportunity to realize
that we could have a better relationship
and finally realize that's what I wanted all along,
but it requires her to realize things that she's not ready to realize.
And maybe she won't realize these things until years later.
Maybe she won't, ever.
Maybe I'll cease to exist to her and to my family
until they realize that I actually have some worth. Who knows?
But either way, I have to like let go of how I wanted it to be
and let go of how I wanted them to be and just live my life.
Like I never expected anything in my family to be perfect,
or anyone in my family to be perfect, but I just wanted them to try
to just... I don't even know how to put it into words. Grow a little bit.
Just a little bit. Try to have an actual relationship with me.
Expecting perfection is expecting too much. I know this.
But expecting it from me is expecting too much, also.
And although I'm not perfect, I did try with them. I did.
And not just because I wanted them to try, too.
Everything happened the only way it could have because it had to.
For me to just break off on my own and just try for me.
And try for the people who try.
The overall card for next year is Family Changes.
"You needn't worry about this shift,
because it unfolds with Divine blessings.
This change only arises because of the free will choice
of those involved. In the long run, it always works out for the best.
This change will bring you closer together and bond you in new ways."
I don't know what it has to take or what it will take, maybe a miracle,
but that is neither here nor there. I have to surrender the outcome.
Which I probably should have started working on a long time ago,
but there are reasons why I had to start now
and couldn't start or wouldn't start back then.
Just as I guess my family has their reasons for not trying to try.
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