Sparks Into Flames

For sparks to turn into flames, they need oxygen.
It's the most common fuel when there's not much else.
Of course they need something to burn straight away,
other than oxygen, but to get hot enough to last long enough
to catch onto anything, they need oxygen.

The thing is that we can blow on them
and we exhale carbon dioxide.
I think that we are blowing oxygen around it onto it
or into their path when we blow on them.

Not every spark is going to turn into a flame
and not every flame is going to turn into a fire.
Not every fire is going to turn into an enferno.

Anyway, the quote today has to do with fanning sparks into flames.

"Make the most of yourself by fanning tiny inner sparks
of possibility into flames of achievement."
- Golda Meir

There was a guy in one of the groups I'm in.
He asked: "What is more important, success or satisfaction?"

I said that satisfaction is success.

I've been extremely restless because I'm not satisfied.
I have needs and wants that aren't being satisfied.
Sure, my need for progress is somewhat being satisfied.
Although I'm making some progress,
it's not as much or coming as fast as I would like to see.

That is one of the feelings I've been reaching for.
The other feelings have to do with emotional security stuff.
Been practicing evoking them without having 'reasons' to feel them.
Imagining that the 'conditions' have been met
even if they haven't. The conditions being... Having reasons to feel them.

Like, as an example: Feeling loved without having anyone to love me.
Feeling as though my financial situation has improved drastically.
Feeling as though all the situations in my life
that I want to see improve have improved by leaps and bounds.
Feeling excited about social invitations I haven't even received, yet.
Feeling good about getting calls I haven't received, yet.
Feeling good about getting a job I haven't gotten, yet.
All these would be reasons to feel good,
but I can feel good about them before they materialize.
By feeling good about them, they'll have a better chance.
And even if they don't, I'm still using them to boost my mood.
Which is why people want certain things in the first place
so they can feel good about having them.
The things themselves are just things.
It's the value we put on those things and having those things
that have an impact on how we feel.
Obviously we feel crappy when we don't have the things
that we assign a lot of value to, but we don't have to.

So this is the psych trick I'm using to psych myself up
and to psych myself out (of the pattern of feeling like crap).

Basically, building my own success
from fanning the flames of satisfaction. In all areas.
By using the power of my mind to create my own conditions.
That don't need to 'manifest' to create the feeling I'm looking for.
If that makes sense.

Since we're unsatisfied when we think about not having,
and we are more likely to be satisfied when we think about having,
why not think about having instead of thinking about not having?

But I mean thinking about having in terms of not needing
because I'm going to put it in my mind that I already have it.
Therefore I'm trying to bypass that feeling of needing it
to feel a certain way.

As an example... How I used to feel about marriage...
There's still a lot of residual stuff there, but I'll use it as an example.
I used to really want to be in a commited relationship.
So much that it literally ached, my heart literally ached.
Because I put my sense of value and my sense of worth
on whether or not a guy found me attractive,
whether or not they wanted me in their life,
whether or not they chose me when they could choose anyone.
All this sort of thing.

What's more is that I put my sense of value and worth
on whether or not he loved me enough to want to keep me.
I thought of marriage as a deeper commitment. Which it is.
I haven't had a lot of commitment in my life.
Not just in romantic relationships. In general.
I haven't seen a lot of commitment in me as a person.
Like genuine friendships or bonds of any kind.
Except for the bond I had with my Grandmother.
Also, I had a stronger bond with my son a long time ago.
Other than that, I just haven't had a lot of that,
but a part of me has been too afraid to make any bonds
because bonds can be broken.
And my heart breaks when a bond breaks.

So anyway, this is part of the reason for this psychological experiement.
To prevent myself from going into 'heartbreak.'
I'm the one breaking my own heart
by constantly thinking the thoughts that allow my heart to break.
All the while 'blaming' the 'conditions'
instead of 'flaming' the 'conditions.'

Sparks are the thoughts. The flames are the manifestations of the thoughts.