It is kind of funny how people react to not getting their way.
Like if they were expecting or wanting something from me
and I am not forthcoming in giving them what they want,
they just drop me like I never mattered. Which is a blessing.
It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it says a lot.
Pretty much everything I needed to know about the person.
So I went out today, by myself, and I took my book with me.
Got some reading done... It was interesting.
Learned some stuff I hadn't considered.
Well what we don't know, we can't consider, right?
I also learned a new word! Alexithymia.
Which is basically not having the ability to put feelings into words.
I keep wondering if it is in any way connected to dysthymia.
Which is a persistant depressive disorder.
And I learned that apparently making decisions has a lot to do with emotions.
Like how we feel about something, not just what we think about it.
Which makes sense. I've had a hard time making decisions.
Even important ones. Especially important ones.
Like for instance, I don't know how I feel about dating right now.
So the likelihood that I'll start dating any time in the near future is slim.
I don't know how I feel about the opportunities coming up
which makes it hard to decide which to take.
I keep thinking that it's because I didn't learn very much emotional awareness
as a kid. Like people treated my feelings as invalid. Pretty much always.
Like it didn't matter if I was sad or anything.
So then although I did kind of care about how I felt,
I was aware that others did not.
So I didn't care as much, although I did sort of.
But it just lead to me just not being totally aware
or being in touch with my feelings.
I'm aware that these people who didn't care about my feelings
probably weren't in touch with their own feelings.
I'm pretty aware of certain feelings like anxiety, worry, grief, stuff like this.
But I'm not really in touch with other feelings as much.
Which is weird. Like I just get a 'weird' feeling
when I feel stuff that isn't in the realm of how I'm used to feeling.
I don't know how to explain it other than that.
Also, I was reading today that the intensity of our feelings
depends on our reactions towards them.
Like if we overreact to our emotions, they tend to amplify the emotions.
I thought that I had intense reactions because the emotions were intense.
I made an observation today. A lady was complaining about something.
She had a right to be upset about it, but I think she was overreacting.
Like something happened that was beyond her control,
and instead of accepting the fact, she had this reaction to it.
Complaining about the management of our building. Which I agree,
is managed poorly and their response was pretty sh*tty to the issue.
But then she was all acting disgusted about social housing,
and talking to me about it not knowing that I'm in social housing.
I didn't say anything. I didn't need her reaction to knowing that fact.
So I just kept my mouth shut about it. Let her say what she felt she needed to
and just carried on with my day.
"Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep."
Not saying I'm a lion, just saying that I don't need to lose sleep
over anyone's opinions about anything.
Like everyone has an opinion about social housing and social assistance
until they find themselves in a position where they need it.
It's not the easiest cycle to get out of either,
because of people's opinions about the people who are in that position.
And the people who are in that position
have opinions about themselves.
Like that guy who was trying to shame me "Do you feel worthless?! Good!!!!"
"You should feel worthless!!!!"
Like yeah, apparently I should feel exactly how people think I should......
I have enough issues without people's opinions of me compounding them.
So this is why I don't bring it up to people who already have opinions about it.
It's not like I'm going to make them magically aware
of the plight of others when they have no awareness.
Or have certain beliefs and opinions based on those beliefs...
It's like "good luck with that." Or "Why bother?!"
It's like telling a zebra that those stripes aren't all that matters...
When they aren't even aware they have stripes. They just are what they are.
And trying to explain to people that I do not have the money to invest in crypto...
That's something else. It's like they aren't aware that even $100 is a lot of money.
Like "It's easy to get $100 and you can invest right away!"
Then they can't figure out why I'm not investing.
Can't invest what I haven't got! I actually need every cent I have.
To literally survive. There's no 'extra' money.
And they just say oh just do this or that to 'get' money. Like it's so easy.
Yeah, there are people who legit have rags to riches stories.
And yes, I realize it has a lot to do with mindset.
I'm trying to get my mindset straightened out so that I can make better choices.
So that I can get OUT of this slump I've been in.
And these f*cking sh*tty comments like "You should feel worthless!!!!"
Aren't f*cking helping me. That's a lot to do with why and how I got here!!!
Like a lot of people treat poor people like SH*T
and wonder why they feel like SH*T.
And wonder why they have a hard time feeling like they are WORTH that job.
Or worth that opportunity or whatever. Or worth anything at all...
It's not that I'm completely incompetent.
Which was what he was pointing out to me.
But he could have pointed it out to me
without telling me I should feel WORTHLESS!!!
Yeah SHAME ON ME!!! I don't deserve to survive, right?!
It's not like ALL people who are getting assistance actually WANT that.
But then some will argue that if they don't want that,
that they should be DOING something.
How hard is it to do something when everyone keeps treating you
like you are a worthless piece of sh*t just because you need HELP?!
How dare you need help! Help yourself! Which is a common attitude
towards people who need to learn HOW to help themselves.
Then SHOW me HOW to be as successful as you are!!!
Oh you won't! If I don't know better, how the f*ck am I supposed to BE better?
People who don't have or never had any proper role models.
Who just get dumped out into the world and the world says:
"Hey you worthless piece of SH*T! DO something!"
And it takes a LONG time for the worthless piece of SH*T to feel
like they actually have something of value to contribute
to the world that NEVER f*cking valued them or saw any worth in them....
So all people who have social housing should just be homeless then....
Because yeah... That makes them feel like they have worth....
Not even worth having a roof over their head....
Shame on me for not being homeless because apparently
I should listen to everyone's opinions about what I'm worth and not worth.
I have enough opinions about my own worth. Obviously.
Or else I'd be so much better off than I've EVER been...
Not saying I still couldn't make something of myself...
I'm just saying f*ck everyone and their opinions!
And even f*ck my own opinions!
Like if they were expecting or wanting something from me
and I am not forthcoming in giving them what they want,
they just drop me like I never mattered. Which is a blessing.
It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it says a lot.
Pretty much everything I needed to know about the person.
So I went out today, by myself, and I took my book with me.
Got some reading done... It was interesting.
Learned some stuff I hadn't considered.
Well what we don't know, we can't consider, right?
I also learned a new word! Alexithymia.
Which is basically not having the ability to put feelings into words.
I keep wondering if it is in any way connected to dysthymia.
Which is a persistant depressive disorder.
And I learned that apparently making decisions has a lot to do with emotions.
Like how we feel about something, not just what we think about it.
Which makes sense. I've had a hard time making decisions.
Even important ones. Especially important ones.
Like for instance, I don't know how I feel about dating right now.
So the likelihood that I'll start dating any time in the near future is slim.
I don't know how I feel about the opportunities coming up
which makes it hard to decide which to take.
I keep thinking that it's because I didn't learn very much emotional awareness
as a kid. Like people treated my feelings as invalid. Pretty much always.
Like it didn't matter if I was sad or anything.
So then although I did kind of care about how I felt,
I was aware that others did not.
So I didn't care as much, although I did sort of.
But it just lead to me just not being totally aware
or being in touch with my feelings.
I'm aware that these people who didn't care about my feelings
probably weren't in touch with their own feelings.
I'm pretty aware of certain feelings like anxiety, worry, grief, stuff like this.
But I'm not really in touch with other feelings as much.
Which is weird. Like I just get a 'weird' feeling
when I feel stuff that isn't in the realm of how I'm used to feeling.
I don't know how to explain it other than that.
Also, I was reading today that the intensity of our feelings
depends on our reactions towards them.
Like if we overreact to our emotions, they tend to amplify the emotions.
I thought that I had intense reactions because the emotions were intense.
I made an observation today. A lady was complaining about something.
She had a right to be upset about it, but I think she was overreacting.
Like something happened that was beyond her control,
and instead of accepting the fact, she had this reaction to it.
Complaining about the management of our building. Which I agree,
is managed poorly and their response was pretty sh*tty to the issue.
But then she was all acting disgusted about social housing,
and talking to me about it not knowing that I'm in social housing.
I didn't say anything. I didn't need her reaction to knowing that fact.
So I just kept my mouth shut about it. Let her say what she felt she needed to
and just carried on with my day.
"Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep."
Not saying I'm a lion, just saying that I don't need to lose sleep
over anyone's opinions about anything.
Like everyone has an opinion about social housing and social assistance
until they find themselves in a position where they need it.
It's not the easiest cycle to get out of either,
because of people's opinions about the people who are in that position.
And the people who are in that position
have opinions about themselves.
Like that guy who was trying to shame me "Do you feel worthless?! Good!!!!"
"You should feel worthless!!!!"
Like yeah, apparently I should feel exactly how people think I should......
I have enough issues without people's opinions of me compounding them.
So this is why I don't bring it up to people who already have opinions about it.
It's not like I'm going to make them magically aware
of the plight of others when they have no awareness.
Or have certain beliefs and opinions based on those beliefs...
It's like "good luck with that." Or "Why bother?!"
It's like telling a zebra that those stripes aren't all that matters...
When they aren't even aware they have stripes. They just are what they are.
And trying to explain to people that I do not have the money to invest in crypto...
That's something else. It's like they aren't aware that even $100 is a lot of money.
Like "It's easy to get $100 and you can invest right away!"
Then they can't figure out why I'm not investing.
Can't invest what I haven't got! I actually need every cent I have.
To literally survive. There's no 'extra' money.
And they just say oh just do this or that to 'get' money. Like it's so easy.
Yeah, there are people who legit have rags to riches stories.
And yes, I realize it has a lot to do with mindset.
I'm trying to get my mindset straightened out so that I can make better choices.
So that I can get OUT of this slump I've been in.
And these f*cking sh*tty comments like "You should feel worthless!!!!"
Aren't f*cking helping me. That's a lot to do with why and how I got here!!!
Like a lot of people treat poor people like SH*T
and wonder why they feel like SH*T.
And wonder why they have a hard time feeling like they are WORTH that job.
Or worth that opportunity or whatever. Or worth anything at all...
It's not that I'm completely incompetent.
Which was what he was pointing out to me.
But he could have pointed it out to me
without telling me I should feel WORTHLESS!!!
Yeah SHAME ON ME!!! I don't deserve to survive, right?!
It's not like ALL people who are getting assistance actually WANT that.
But then some will argue that if they don't want that,
that they should be DOING something.
How hard is it to do something when everyone keeps treating you
like you are a worthless piece of sh*t just because you need HELP?!
How dare you need help! Help yourself! Which is a common attitude
towards people who need to learn HOW to help themselves.
Then SHOW me HOW to be as successful as you are!!!
Oh you won't! If I don't know better, how the f*ck am I supposed to BE better?
People who don't have or never had any proper role models.
Who just get dumped out into the world and the world says:
"Hey you worthless piece of SH*T! DO something!"
And it takes a LONG time for the worthless piece of SH*T to feel
like they actually have something of value to contribute
to the world that NEVER f*cking valued them or saw any worth in them....
So all people who have social housing should just be homeless then....
Because yeah... That makes them feel like they have worth....
Not even worth having a roof over their head....
Shame on me for not being homeless because apparently
I should listen to everyone's opinions about what I'm worth and not worth.
I have enough opinions about my own worth. Obviously.
Or else I'd be so much better off than I've EVER been...
Not saying I still couldn't make something of myself...
I'm just saying f*ck everyone and their opinions!
And even f*ck my own opinions!
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