I see people getting easily disappointed all the time.
Like when they can't get something they want.
As though we should always get what we want, no matter what.
What's more is that they have emotional reactions to their disappointment.
They'll get mad that they can't get what they want,
then they react to getting mad by acting on that emotion.
Getting impulsively aggessive and worse.
Like 'breakup violence.' For instance.
Which doesn't scream to me that I should even want to take a chance.
Of course not all guys are like this.
But the ones who are aren't wearing any warning signs.
They keep that hidden. Where it keeps boiling until it overboils.
Anyway, enough momentum for that...
My point was that we aren't always going to get what we want
just because we want what we want. It doesn't work that way.
What bothers me is when people expect things
and then get disappointed that they didn't get what they expected.
Don't get me wrong, I had certain expectations, too.
But I learned that the less I expect, the less I get disappointed.
I've been disappointed lots of times. LOTS of times.
Mostly because I felt let down. But these are the kinds of emotions
that I keep writing about and how we can learn to manage them.
So they don't consume us, run us, and ruin us.
I want to get to a point where I manage my emotions so well
that I just feel satisfied regardless of what anyone does or doesn't do,
regardless of any gratitification. Where I can totally and completely
satisfy myself with my own thoughts and my own emotions.
Where I don't 'need' anything from anyone to 'be' 'happy.'
No approval, no validation, no f*cking anything from anyone.
Just my own strength and my own abilities, that's all.
I had some pretty disappointing thoughts today and I reacted to them.
I got involved with my own thoughts, again.
I did stop myself, but I had already gotten involved with it.
At least I am aware of it now and that's more than I could say for before.
I can see it as it is happening now, instead of after it has happened.
Which is progress! I can get better at this and better than this.
It takes a lot more awareness and effort, and time.
A lot more practice. I could have just let myself continue, but I didn't.
Because that isn't the pattern I want to keep.
For things to get better, for me to get better...
Things have to get different and I have to become different.
Which means that I have to make things different
and I have to actively, purposely, become different.
I have to actively do different things on purpose. FOR a purpose.
And that purpose is my own evolution.
That can't take place without transformation, growth, expansion,
awareness, strength, courage, effort, learning, etc.
It's so much more than just willpower, but willpower has a lot to do with it.
Without willpower, there's going to be very minimal effort.
With very minimal effort, there's going to be very minimal progress. If any.
Which comes with maximum frustration.
I know this because I've spent YEARS being so frustrated with myself
that I've literally hated myself. Because I couldn't get what I wanted from myself.
The reason I couldn't get what I wanted from myself
was I couldn't rely on myself. I was barely trying
and expecting some miracle. Expecting things to get better.
While being unaware of the reason they weren't.
Since quitting smoking and quitting drinking, I've seen that I do
have the power to make changes in my life.
That power came from the ability to make better choices.
Such as choosing not to smoke and choosing not to drink.
Well... There are many other things I can choose not to do anymore.
Like break the addiction of reacting to my thoughts.
Which is very hard. Maybe as hard as quitting drinking.
But as hard as that was, I still chose to do it and I don't do it anymore.
It's just really hard because I'm alone with my thoughts all the time.
Like I can't just stop thinking...
Like how I thought I couldn't just stop drinking....
I still drink... Water, Sprite, juice, etc. No more alcohol.
Just like I'll still think, just about other things.
It's just that I have easier access to my thoughts.
It's not as easy as just avoiding the bars or avoiding the liquor stores.
Or going to AA and working towards getting my chips.
And "Sharing." I mean, I do that by blogging, but...
Like I was saying before, there's no group meeting thing for this.
Even if someone tried getting me to go to AA before I was ready to quit,
I wouldn't have gone to it. I would have been all like "F*ck AA."
And I would have made excuses not to go like:
"They focus on religious stuff. It's not for me."
It's not all religious, besides, you can take what you need from it.
You can go for as long as you need to. I only went for 6 months.
I decided to continue on my own. Which I did. Now I'm almost at 5 years.
Because I kept making the choices that support me in that decision.
I can walk into a liquor store without feeling the need to buy any.
I can go to a bar without feeling the need to drink.
I don't wake up thinking I want a drink every morning. I don't get hangovers.
I don't embarrass myself all drunk doing and saying stupid sh*t.
My life changed in a lot of ways because I quit drinking.
My life also changed in a lot of ways because I quit smoking.
When I finally quit thinking my junk thoughts, my life will change.
Because I won't be reacting to them emotionally or otherwise.
I'll be responding to better thoughts, which will elevate my emotional state.
So absolutely nothing will affect me the same way it always has.
I'll be free from that just like I'm free from my 'need' for alcohol.
I'll be so free from that bullsh*t that it won't even come to mind anymore.
Unless I'm looking back at how far I've come. Remembering how I used to be.
Remembering why I used to think that I 'needed' alcohol...
Because I thought it would 'make' me 'feel' 'better.'
Quitting drinking actually makes me feel so much better than drinking ever did.
It's this thing, though. Dealing with people who get easily disappointed....
I don't know why they expect so much in the first place.
Getting all disappointed that I don't want to date.
Getting all disappointed they can't get me into bed.
Getting all disappointed that I don't want anything with or from them.
Like I'm supposed to want all that or something. I don't.
I don't have to want what others think I should want.
What I want has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else.
Like when they can't get something they want.
As though we should always get what we want, no matter what.
What's more is that they have emotional reactions to their disappointment.
They'll get mad that they can't get what they want,
then they react to getting mad by acting on that emotion.
Getting impulsively aggessive and worse.
Like 'breakup violence.' For instance.
Which doesn't scream to me that I should even want to take a chance.
Of course not all guys are like this.
But the ones who are aren't wearing any warning signs.
They keep that hidden. Where it keeps boiling until it overboils.
Anyway, enough momentum for that...
My point was that we aren't always going to get what we want
just because we want what we want. It doesn't work that way.
What bothers me is when people expect things
and then get disappointed that they didn't get what they expected.
Don't get me wrong, I had certain expectations, too.
But I learned that the less I expect, the less I get disappointed.
I've been disappointed lots of times. LOTS of times.
Mostly because I felt let down. But these are the kinds of emotions
that I keep writing about and how we can learn to manage them.
So they don't consume us, run us, and ruin us.
I want to get to a point where I manage my emotions so well
that I just feel satisfied regardless of what anyone does or doesn't do,
regardless of any gratitification. Where I can totally and completely
satisfy myself with my own thoughts and my own emotions.
Where I don't 'need' anything from anyone to 'be' 'happy.'
No approval, no validation, no f*cking anything from anyone.
Just my own strength and my own abilities, that's all.
I had some pretty disappointing thoughts today and I reacted to them.
I got involved with my own thoughts, again.
I did stop myself, but I had already gotten involved with it.
At least I am aware of it now and that's more than I could say for before.
I can see it as it is happening now, instead of after it has happened.
Which is progress! I can get better at this and better than this.
It takes a lot more awareness and effort, and time.
A lot more practice. I could have just let myself continue, but I didn't.
Because that isn't the pattern I want to keep.
For things to get better, for me to get better...
Things have to get different and I have to become different.
Which means that I have to make things different
and I have to actively, purposely, become different.
I have to actively do different things on purpose. FOR a purpose.
And that purpose is my own evolution.
That can't take place without transformation, growth, expansion,
awareness, strength, courage, effort, learning, etc.
It's so much more than just willpower, but willpower has a lot to do with it.
Without willpower, there's going to be very minimal effort.
With very minimal effort, there's going to be very minimal progress. If any.
Which comes with maximum frustration.
I know this because I've spent YEARS being so frustrated with myself
that I've literally hated myself. Because I couldn't get what I wanted from myself.
The reason I couldn't get what I wanted from myself
was I couldn't rely on myself. I was barely trying
and expecting some miracle. Expecting things to get better.
While being unaware of the reason they weren't.
Since quitting smoking and quitting drinking, I've seen that I do
have the power to make changes in my life.
That power came from the ability to make better choices.
Such as choosing not to smoke and choosing not to drink.
Well... There are many other things I can choose not to do anymore.
Like break the addiction of reacting to my thoughts.
Which is very hard. Maybe as hard as quitting drinking.
But as hard as that was, I still chose to do it and I don't do it anymore.
It's just really hard because I'm alone with my thoughts all the time.
Like I can't just stop thinking...
Like how I thought I couldn't just stop drinking....
I still drink... Water, Sprite, juice, etc. No more alcohol.
Just like I'll still think, just about other things.
It's just that I have easier access to my thoughts.
It's not as easy as just avoiding the bars or avoiding the liquor stores.
Or going to AA and working towards getting my chips.
And "Sharing." I mean, I do that by blogging, but...
Like I was saying before, there's no group meeting thing for this.
Even if someone tried getting me to go to AA before I was ready to quit,
I wouldn't have gone to it. I would have been all like "F*ck AA."
And I would have made excuses not to go like:
"They focus on religious stuff. It's not for me."
It's not all religious, besides, you can take what you need from it.
You can go for as long as you need to. I only went for 6 months.
I decided to continue on my own. Which I did. Now I'm almost at 5 years.
Because I kept making the choices that support me in that decision.
I can walk into a liquor store without feeling the need to buy any.
I can go to a bar without feeling the need to drink.
I don't wake up thinking I want a drink every morning. I don't get hangovers.
I don't embarrass myself all drunk doing and saying stupid sh*t.
My life changed in a lot of ways because I quit drinking.
My life also changed in a lot of ways because I quit smoking.
When I finally quit thinking my junk thoughts, my life will change.
Because I won't be reacting to them emotionally or otherwise.
I'll be responding to better thoughts, which will elevate my emotional state.
So absolutely nothing will affect me the same way it always has.
I'll be free from that just like I'm free from my 'need' for alcohol.
I'll be so free from that bullsh*t that it won't even come to mind anymore.
Unless I'm looking back at how far I've come. Remembering how I used to be.
Remembering why I used to think that I 'needed' alcohol...
Because I thought it would 'make' me 'feel' 'better.'
Quitting drinking actually makes me feel so much better than drinking ever did.
It's this thing, though. Dealing with people who get easily disappointed....
I don't know why they expect so much in the first place.
Getting all disappointed that I don't want to date.
Getting all disappointed they can't get me into bed.
Getting all disappointed that I don't want anything with or from them.
Like I'm supposed to want all that or something. I don't.
I don't have to want what others think I should want.
What I want has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone else.
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