Nostalgia

I was going through old photos tonight. Very old photos.
Got hit with nostalgia big time. Also, I started feeling a lot of regret.
That things ended the way they did, etc.
I made a lot of mistakes, but I can't regret the mistakes I made
because I learned from them.
Had I not made them, what would I have learned?

Those feelings of missing people I can't ever have back in my life...
That was the hardest part. But they have lives of their own. Always have.

Just brought me back to days when I really was unaware.
So caught up with my own emotions and very selfish,
but didn't realize how selfish I was.

I had a conversation with someone tonight.
About strength and about regret and stuff like this.
He said that regret only keeps us stuck in the past.
To move forward, we have to be in the present.
Sure, some nice memories are nice to have,
but dwelling on things keeps us stuck.
I've known this for a long time, yet I keep dwelling.
Even if momentarily.

I am where I am at any given time in my development.
Whether I'm developing quickly or very, very slowly.
Development requires a certain level of awareness.
Awareness can be increased.
The more we realize, the more we observe and absorb.
The more we attain and retain....
The more we retain, the more we contain.
The more we contain, the more we can entertain.

I told him that I don't like to admit weakness or defeat.
He said that weakness and defeat are both temporary.
What matters is the strength to move forward,
and that most people don't even have that.
It's one of the very few things I do have
or else I would have given up a long time ago.
Because I felt like giving up so many times. So many!

But it isn't just about assessing my situation, or my circumstances.
It's also about assessing myself. Am I doing enough?
What even constitutes 'enough'?
Is it 'enough' when I feel satisfied?
When I've reached some level that is to my 'standards'?

The self examination stuff is about what "I" do that gets in my way.
That prevents me from moving forward
and what prevents me from developing.
What impedes my progress and development.
It encourages self-awareness and accountability.

The focus tends to be on other people.
What they do that hinders us.
It just results in blaming and shaming.
It takes away the accountability part.
We're not taking responsibility if there's no accountability.
Accountability has the word ability in it.
All the words that end in -ability are abilities. Cool, eh?

What are we willing to do differently that will enhance our experiences?
I thought about this tonight. In terms of the mistakes I made
in my previous relationships.
We can significantly enhance the quality of our experiences
by being willing to do things differently.

With communication in relationships...
"Ending on a positive note encourages open communication
when you next interact with your partner."

Just feeling pretty drained emotionally tonight.
Because I got hit pretty hard.
With the fact that I can't change the past. Nor can I go back.
I was in a different frame of mind then, too.
Hopeful, yet fearful.
How much of one can you have when the other holds it hostage?
It's like always being painfully aware that it can end
and probably will. When I least expect it to.
So a part of me says "Be prepared."
Then it happens because I'm already somewhat prepared for it.
Even when I think there is a commitment,
it's so hard to allow myself to feel that there is.

Because at any moment, they can turn their backs.
They can run away, leaving me in the dust.
I've seen it happen, I've had it happen.
I know it happens. To me. To everyone, but also to me.

It wasn't ALL that I was unwilling to create better results.
It was a lot of being unaware that I could.
I didn't know that I could create better results.
I was wanting others to create better results.
Also, I wanted to work with others to create better results.
I didn't want to be the only one creating them.
The ones I was aware that I could create.
The ones I wasn't aware of, well, that's why I didn't create those.
It wasn't just the lack of willingness, it was a lack of awareness.
And I didn't want the quality enhancement to be all on me.
I've had relationships where it was. For like 90% on me.
Obviously I wasn't happy in those relationships.
Because it seemed that what I wanted (quality) didn't matter.

Here's the thing, the closer we get to people, or with people,
the sloppier we tend to become in terms of communication and behavior.
Because we get too comfortable.
This is why it's so great at the beginning of a relationship.
Both sides are trying harder to establish the 'connection.'
Once that 'connection' is made, we get comfortable.
We inadvertently create gaps in the relationship
and these gaps create tension.
By not being aware, we sleepwalk though life,
through relationships, through everything.
We pay the price for sleepwalking! I know because I have.
I lost a lot because I was unaware that I was making huge mistakes.
That I could have been doing things a lot differently,
that I could have been more aware etc.
I got too comfortable. Others have gotten to comfortable with me, too.
Comfortable in my unawareness.
Comfortable in my ignorance.
Comfortable in my behavioral stuff, and emotional stuff.
Comfortable with all my baggage from way too long ago.

There's a story in here that demonstrates this:
A wife and husband have been married for 40 years.
The wife tells the husband, "You never tell me you love me anymore."
The husband says, "When we first got married, I told you.
If I change my mind, I'll let you know."

The caring is taken for granted.
"I expect you to be there for me
even when I don't take very good care of you."

Relationship tension increases subtly.
There were things I was letting pile up.
Because I was trying to accept those things, but I couldn't.
As I let it pile up, it got harder and harder to accept.

When we feel that we're not getting enough,
chances are we stop giving enough,
to the point we just stop all together.
And when both sides stop, neither is getting enough.
Both sides become dissatisfied, then the tension increases even more.
We hold back when we feel the other is.
The other holds back when they feel we are.
It goes both ways. I've written about this before. Not long ago.

I've had partners tell me that if I gave them more of what they wanted from me
that they'd give me more of what I wanted from them.
But little did they know that is exactly the way that I felt!
So it is easy to see now, why my relationships never worked out!
Both withholding for more. Stalemate.

However, I was in one relationship where I was with someone
who was extremely giving and extremely patient, loving etc.
I ruined it because I couldn't give him what he needed from me.
I reflect on that all the time and I know that he deserved and deserves better.
I hope that he has that one day. Everything that he couldn't have with me.
It had a lot to do with the state I was in at the time,
not that it was or is any excuse,
but when we don't know better, we can't do better.
So there were lots of lessons to be learned there, even years later.
It's better to realize it too late than never realize it at all.
I know I just wrote about regret and all that,
I just wish I had the wherewithal to treat him the way he deserved to be treated.
I literally didn't know any better back then.
But I can't hold that against myself for the rest of my life.
I made mistakes to learn from them.

He was the kind of guy who would have worked with me to build bridges
to get over the issues we were having, that primary had to do with me.
I never had any issues with him. He literally was perfect.
Yet I ran, more than once, and acted like running was no big deal.
I literally couldn't face my own demons and I ran from them
which caused me to run from him, too,
but this was so far in the past that I don't even know why I bring this up.
Probably because the pictures I was looking at were from a time
that we were still together. I still think of everything he did for me.
And about how very little I had to offer him....
We were both pretty young back then, but even then he had it together.
I was so toxic and so messed up. I also had a lot of baggage.
I was just not right for him, at all.
Even though I wanted to be with him, and did want to be 'enough' for him,
I wasn't 'enough' for myself or for anyone, really.
Everyone in my life deserved more than 'enough.'
Especially the ones who sincerely and honestly cared about me.

Anyway, I guess I've always been scared of repeating those mistakes.
And of not being 'enough' so at a point I stop even trying to be 'enough.'
I may not be completely toxic anymore, but I still have some toxicity left.
A lot of it came from my own fears. A lot of it came from my beliefs.
A lot of it came from needing an attitude adjustment.
A lot of it came from needing to wake the f*ck up and grow the f*ck up.
I was so damn lucky to ever be with him in the first place.
We came from two different worlds. His family is nothing like mine.
He knew how to care and show that he cared
because he had people who cared and showed they cared.
A lot of me not knowing any better was from not having any better.
And that resulted in me not being able to be any better than I was.
A lot of me being so dysfunctional was a result of the dysfunction in my life.
But I said a lot, not all. It wasn't all from that, but a lot was.

A lot of how I reacted and still am tempted to react,
comes from how I've seen other people react, how I learned how.
I've had some pretty sh*tty reactions to things
that were not necessary.
The only way to realize they are not necessary
is learn that there are other options.
When we can't see any other way to act or to be,
we just revert back to default. Which obviously doesn't help.
A lot of our reactions are triggered.
Like something rubs us the wrong way and it results
in something that reminds us of something subconsciously
and our reaction is very similar to the way we reacted to that thing
that it reminds us of. And we aren't even aware that it happens.
I do still have triggers. I am aware of most of them now.
I might not be fully aware of why they are triggers,
but I know what tends to piss me off the most.
The question is why? Why do these things keep pissing me off?
Probably something to do with acceptance.
If I just accepted it for what it was or wasn't,
would it still evoke such strong emotional reactions from me?

We learn from others, too.
If someone has very little control over their emotional reactions,
we can't learn control over our emotional reactions from them.
This is why the patterns of dysfunctionality repeat and repeat and repeat.
We teach others how to react by reacting the way we react.
Like how I react to things the same way my mother does, a lot.
I'm aware of it, and I hate it, yet I still catch myself doing it.
I know I don't want to react that way
and I know I don't want those beliefs, either.
Beliefs she embeded in me over the years as a young child
who didn't know any better, but neither did she.
Someone taught her to react and act the way she reacts and acts.
Just as she taught me a lot of that stuff.
She had a huge impact on me. I looked to her to teach me things.
We look to our parents to teach us things.
My father wasn't around. He taught me very little.
I taught my son a lot of my sh*tty beliefs and I didn't realize it.
He learned a lot of sh*tty beliefs from his father, too.
He didn't have a very good start in life. I regret that, too. A lot.
But, I couldn't do any better for him at the time
because I didn't know any better at the time.
I wish I did, I wish I could have done so much better.
I want to think I did the best that I could for him, from where I was at.
With what I knew and with what I had.
We all have a huge impact on everyone around us, always.
We just often forget that,
then when we realize it, if we do, it's usually too late.
Not always, but usually.
Because the damage has already been done.
Sometimes it can be repaired, but not always.