I keep thinking about this falling out with my mother.
I think she expected me to just keep being loyal to her
without any loyalty in return.
Because our relationship has always been one-sided.
And it would have continued to be. It's not healthy.
I don't require a lot of support. I've never asked her for money.
I rarely asked her for help with ANYTHING, ever.
Because I know how she responds
when someone wants something from her.
I don't have an issue with helping, she does.
It's a commitment issue that she has.
By agreeing to help someone, she is committing to doing something.
If there's nothing in it for her, she doesn't see why she should.
She needs extrinsic motivation.
I can go on and on and on, about what she's like,
but the point is that even after ALL the crap,
I still wanted to have a decent relationship with her.
Because she's my mother. But I'm not the only one
who doesn't have a decent relationship with their parents.
There are plenty of people out there who can't talk to their parents.
Who can't ask for anything, who can't relate on the level they would like to.
People are so f*cking unaware of how they affect others.
Yet, I'm learning that I don't have to allow her or her crap to affect me.
It's been a hard lesson. A really hard lesson. A very painful lesson.
A lesson in acceptance. Because yes, I would like things to be better.
But they can't be anything other than what they are
because they are what they are and they aren't what they aren't.
People are the way they are and they aren't the way they aren't.
Yes, I would love if my mother was more like me.
If she could see the things that I can see.
But it took me a long time to see these things,
and she hasn't been looking in this direction.
She prefers what's familiar to her. Her views, her beliefs. Her paradigm.
This is why she will never change.
Our relationship will never change because she won't.
So I have to stop wanting it to get better.
Literally, this is as good as it gets. I had to walk away.
Less I let her think she can take advantage of me.
Less I let her think I will take more and more of her crap.
Of her wanting me to go pick up her cigarettes.
She'd text me and not even ask me how I'm doing.
She just asked me if I picked them up.
Because her cigarettes mean more to her than I do.
She can have her cigarettes. I just won't be picking them up for her anymore.
I won't be sitting next to her for her to blow smoke in my face anymore.
Instead of putting the cigarette out, she'd moan at me
for not enjoying smoke being blown in my face.
"If you don't like it, go sit somewhere else."
Well how about putting the cigarette out?
But I'm not the only one who has parents who don't care.
I'm not the only one who has people in their life who don't care
and has very few people in their life who do care.
Yeah, I could let it hurt. I did for a long time.
There's been so much pain from not feeling worthy of consideration.
I can't even begin to tell you how much pain there's been.
I'm the one who allowed myself to feel it.
I'd think I had no choice but to feel that pain.
Because painful experiences bring pain.
Evidence of me not feeling worthy of consideration has been very painful.
But I have to value myself and respect myself
by not keeping myself in someone's life if they have very little respect for me.
By not continuing to care for people who care very little about me.
The thing is that all my mother sees is that I walked away.
She doesn't realize why. She sees everyone's faults but her own.
I don't need to continue to see myself through her eyes.
Or through anyone elses's eyes.
I'm the only one who will know me best.
I know my heart and soul. I have my heart and soul.
It's time for me to start living from my heart and soul.
Maybe my mother wants me to be more like her.
Maybe she wants me to see things according to how she does.
That puts us at an impasse because we are very different people.
If she had the capacity to understand, maybe she would.
If she had the capacity to care, maybe she would.
If she had the capacity to realize, maybe she would.
But she doesn't. She reached a limit a long time ago
when she became unwilling to change and to grow.
That's the limit, our willingness.
Yeah, I can be stubborn, too. Where do you think I get it from?
I'm just writing about this because this is from my experience.
Wanting something that I can't have with someone I can't have it with.
Someone pointed it out to me a long time ago.
When I was talking about how I didn't understand
why my family was the way that they are.
She said that they probably don't have the capacity
to be any better than they are.
It made sense to me then and makes sense to me now.
I wish I had that perspective a long time ago.
It makes things a bit easier to accept.
It's not exactly their fault that they don't have the capacity.
Our capacity is the result of our willingness or unwillingness.
If we are willing to look, the more we will see.
Then our capacity to see, recognize, realize, understand increases.
It has to continue to increase to be able to keep expanding.
Otherwise we limit ourselves and our capabilities.
Our capability depends on our capacity.
And our capacity depends on our willingness.
Not just our desire. Our willingness.
I was willing to do a lot of things I didn't particularly want to do.
Even when there was nothing in it for me.
No material rewards. Those don't matter as much to me
as they seem to matter to a lot of people.
Yeah my capacity for some things is bigger than some.
But I will admit that my capacity for other things aren't as big as they could be.
I do have deficiencies. I do have weaknesses. I am not perfect.
I am learning and I'm growing. The results will follow.
I have to use what I have and do what I can from where I am.
To get any further in my life. With or without anyone.
Anyway, I have a potential client to do some advertising for.
Possibly help them build a website.
He was saying that he had to register the domain name
which tells me he has no site yet.
So I am going to make a video to show him a site I'm working on.
To show him some of what I can do.
It will be a lot of work. I'm not charging for new clients
because I need to get clients
and this way they know I'm not trying to scam them
since they are not paying me at first.
It's about building the relationship first, the trust, all of that.
Then when they see what I'm about, they can have the option
to continue to work with me for a fee.
Out of about 5 people who responded to my ad,
he was the only one who kept replying to my messages.
So he seems like he will give me shot.
I meet with him tomorrow at his place of business.
So I want to prepare something for him before we meet
which is basically just explaining what I can do
and showing him a couple of examples.
I just posted an ad in a business group on facebook,
saying that I have a special offer for 5 clients.
That I am not charging to run an ad campaign.
That they only have to pay for the ad spend.
People usually charge for this and I will be.
Just have to get the clients in the 'door' so to speak.
I also have to build connections and get testimonials
and this sort of thing. So when I do that, I can get more clients etc.
We all have to start somewhere. Right now, it's freelancing.
It could help me get in the 'door' with bigger opportunities.
A lot of these new companies don't have websites.
Websites can be expensive. If I do a good job for a fair price,
they'll tell their friends etc. Word gets around.
Yes, I'm still learning, but I can earn while I learn.
Even if it's earning a reputation and not cash immediately.
And these are local businesses. So I can meet with the business owners face to face.
They can get to know me in person. As long as I just do the best I can
and give them quality results,
I don't see why they wouldn't mind paying to keep getting quality results.
Because by then, they already know what I can do.
And when it's not all about the money, they'll see it wasn't a risk
to initially start working with me.
Because there was no investment other than the ad spend.
So anyway, that is part of the plan. The other plan is the studying stuff.
And the web development and design stuff.
I have enough to keep me busy.
When it's something you enjoy doing, it's not exactly 'work.'
I enjoy helping people. I enjoy being creative and artistic.
I enjoy combining the two.
I think she expected me to just keep being loyal to her
without any loyalty in return.
Because our relationship has always been one-sided.
And it would have continued to be. It's not healthy.
I don't require a lot of support. I've never asked her for money.
I rarely asked her for help with ANYTHING, ever.
Because I know how she responds
when someone wants something from her.
I don't have an issue with helping, she does.
It's a commitment issue that she has.
By agreeing to help someone, she is committing to doing something.
If there's nothing in it for her, she doesn't see why she should.
She needs extrinsic motivation.
I can go on and on and on, about what she's like,
but the point is that even after ALL the crap,
I still wanted to have a decent relationship with her.
Because she's my mother. But I'm not the only one
who doesn't have a decent relationship with their parents.
There are plenty of people out there who can't talk to their parents.
Who can't ask for anything, who can't relate on the level they would like to.
People are so f*cking unaware of how they affect others.
Yet, I'm learning that I don't have to allow her or her crap to affect me.
It's been a hard lesson. A really hard lesson. A very painful lesson.
A lesson in acceptance. Because yes, I would like things to be better.
But they can't be anything other than what they are
because they are what they are and they aren't what they aren't.
People are the way they are and they aren't the way they aren't.
Yes, I would love if my mother was more like me.
If she could see the things that I can see.
But it took me a long time to see these things,
and she hasn't been looking in this direction.
She prefers what's familiar to her. Her views, her beliefs. Her paradigm.
This is why she will never change.
Our relationship will never change because she won't.
So I have to stop wanting it to get better.
Literally, this is as good as it gets. I had to walk away.
Less I let her think she can take advantage of me.
Less I let her think I will take more and more of her crap.
Of her wanting me to go pick up her cigarettes.
She'd text me and not even ask me how I'm doing.
She just asked me if I picked them up.
Because her cigarettes mean more to her than I do.
She can have her cigarettes. I just won't be picking them up for her anymore.
I won't be sitting next to her for her to blow smoke in my face anymore.
Instead of putting the cigarette out, she'd moan at me
for not enjoying smoke being blown in my face.
"If you don't like it, go sit somewhere else."
Well how about putting the cigarette out?
But I'm not the only one who has parents who don't care.
I'm not the only one who has people in their life who don't care
and has very few people in their life who do care.
Yeah, I could let it hurt. I did for a long time.
There's been so much pain from not feeling worthy of consideration.
I can't even begin to tell you how much pain there's been.
I'm the one who allowed myself to feel it.
I'd think I had no choice but to feel that pain.
Because painful experiences bring pain.
Evidence of me not feeling worthy of consideration has been very painful.
But I have to value myself and respect myself
by not keeping myself in someone's life if they have very little respect for me.
By not continuing to care for people who care very little about me.
The thing is that all my mother sees is that I walked away.
She doesn't realize why. She sees everyone's faults but her own.
I don't need to continue to see myself through her eyes.
Or through anyone elses's eyes.
I'm the only one who will know me best.
I know my heart and soul. I have my heart and soul.
It's time for me to start living from my heart and soul.
Maybe my mother wants me to be more like her.
Maybe she wants me to see things according to how she does.
That puts us at an impasse because we are very different people.
If she had the capacity to understand, maybe she would.
If she had the capacity to care, maybe she would.
If she had the capacity to realize, maybe she would.
But she doesn't. She reached a limit a long time ago
when she became unwilling to change and to grow.
That's the limit, our willingness.
Yeah, I can be stubborn, too. Where do you think I get it from?
I'm just writing about this because this is from my experience.
Wanting something that I can't have with someone I can't have it with.
Someone pointed it out to me a long time ago.
When I was talking about how I didn't understand
why my family was the way that they are.
She said that they probably don't have the capacity
to be any better than they are.
It made sense to me then and makes sense to me now.
I wish I had that perspective a long time ago.
It makes things a bit easier to accept.
It's not exactly their fault that they don't have the capacity.
Our capacity is the result of our willingness or unwillingness.
If we are willing to look, the more we will see.
Then our capacity to see, recognize, realize, understand increases.
It has to continue to increase to be able to keep expanding.
Otherwise we limit ourselves and our capabilities.
Our capability depends on our capacity.
And our capacity depends on our willingness.
Not just our desire. Our willingness.
I was willing to do a lot of things I didn't particularly want to do.
Even when there was nothing in it for me.
No material rewards. Those don't matter as much to me
as they seem to matter to a lot of people.
Yeah my capacity for some things is bigger than some.
But I will admit that my capacity for other things aren't as big as they could be.
I do have deficiencies. I do have weaknesses. I am not perfect.
I am learning and I'm growing. The results will follow.
I have to use what I have and do what I can from where I am.
To get any further in my life. With or without anyone.
Anyway, I have a potential client to do some advertising for.
Possibly help them build a website.
He was saying that he had to register the domain name
which tells me he has no site yet.
So I am going to make a video to show him a site I'm working on.
To show him some of what I can do.
It will be a lot of work. I'm not charging for new clients
because I need to get clients
and this way they know I'm not trying to scam them
since they are not paying me at first.
It's about building the relationship first, the trust, all of that.
Then when they see what I'm about, they can have the option
to continue to work with me for a fee.
Out of about 5 people who responded to my ad,
he was the only one who kept replying to my messages.
So he seems like he will give me shot.
I meet with him tomorrow at his place of business.
So I want to prepare something for him before we meet
which is basically just explaining what I can do
and showing him a couple of examples.
I just posted an ad in a business group on facebook,
saying that I have a special offer for 5 clients.
That I am not charging to run an ad campaign.
That they only have to pay for the ad spend.
People usually charge for this and I will be.
Just have to get the clients in the 'door' so to speak.
I also have to build connections and get testimonials
and this sort of thing. So when I do that, I can get more clients etc.
We all have to start somewhere. Right now, it's freelancing.
It could help me get in the 'door' with bigger opportunities.
A lot of these new companies don't have websites.
Websites can be expensive. If I do a good job for a fair price,
they'll tell their friends etc. Word gets around.
Yes, I'm still learning, but I can earn while I learn.
Even if it's earning a reputation and not cash immediately.
And these are local businesses. So I can meet with the business owners face to face.
They can get to know me in person. As long as I just do the best I can
and give them quality results,
I don't see why they wouldn't mind paying to keep getting quality results.
Because by then, they already know what I can do.
And when it's not all about the money, they'll see it wasn't a risk
to initially start working with me.
Because there was no investment other than the ad spend.
So anyway, that is part of the plan. The other plan is the studying stuff.
And the web development and design stuff.
I have enough to keep me busy.
When it's something you enjoy doing, it's not exactly 'work.'
I enjoy helping people. I enjoy being creative and artistic.
I enjoy combining the two.
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