I'd Rather Realize

As much as I've realized, I know there is much more to realize.
I've known for a while that the more I see, the more I will see.

I was thinking that it often takes people a really long time
to realize things. Like they might start realizing when they are dying.
When it's too late to really do anything about it.
I'd rather realize when I still have time to do something about it.
And I'd rather realize than never realize.

The winter months is a time for transformation.
"In the darkness is the key for transformation."
Facing the things we would rather not face.
"The dark side of the moon."

There are so many things that aren't being illuminated.
So many things we can't see in the dark. Beautiful things.
Things that once we see, we'll have wanted to see them long ago.
But we weren't aware that they were there
and were unwilling to look because we were scared
that there were things that we wished we could unsee.
"Afraid of the dark."
The thing is... That light can be seen in the dark.
Light isn't really noticed as much in the light.
Like car headlights... When it is daylight, they aren't needed.
That's part of the reason I light a candle for my morning ritual.

It's hard to face the darkness within us.
The pain in our own hearts. We want others to heal us.
We don't want to take responsibility for healing our own hearts.
So we get into relationships thinking love will heal us.
That's part of the reason I've made love such a strong desire.
I've actually needed healing and thought it was the only way.
It wasn't and it's not anyone's job to heal my wounds or
to turn my pain into peace. Except for mine. It is my job.
So being alone isn't a bad thing.
I've let my worth as a person depend on who I had in my life.
And whether or not I had anyone in my life at all.

Then I started realizing that there were some feelings that were cut off.
And it wasn't anything to do with anyone.
It was my inability to feel certain ways.
Because I am still not used to feeling the way I want to feel.
I thought that all that would come from being in love,
with someone who could love me in a way I never was loved before.
And I thought that if I could be loved in a way
that I always 'needed' to be loved, I could heal the part of me that 'needed' that.
But it was another way. I have to heal that part of me
so that I can feel worthy of love and feel like I can accept love.
So that the love in my heart can be reflected back to me.
Instead of that wounded part of me being mirrored back to me.

I used to feel like I needed someone to feel whole with.
But because I wasn't feeling whole on my own,
I kept finding other people who also aren't whole.
And anyone I ever came across who was whole saw that I wasn't.
And they knew that they couldn't 'make' me whole
and knew that I didn't realize that.
Because they saw so much more than I could,
and saw I wasn't ready to learn, let alone to grow
so there was very little they could teach me,
because it was near impossible for them to reach me.

And even as I grow, there are people I've wanted to reach
but I couldn't. Because they are limited by their views.
"The more we can see, the more we can be."
So if they can only see so much... They just remain out of touch.
And they can't even see that, and it's not up to me to show them.
I can only show anyone so much. Especially if they don't let me.

It's like if people want to stay in the dark, I have to leave them there.
And maybe on some level they don't want to be there,
but in order to get out, they have to get out.

Also, "blinded by the light" comes into mind.
They are used to being in the dark for so long,
that when they finally see the light, they go blind.
They can't see what's being illuminated
because the light literally hurts their eyes.
So they close their eyes to protect them, but they miss seeing.
People have to adapt to the light slowly. Gradually.
When we go from really dark places into the light,
we have to slowly adapt to the light.
That was something I knew, but wasn't thinking about.
Which is why this has been a slow process for me.
I know there is light, freedom, all kinds of stuff outside the darkness.
But I also know there are treasures hiding in the dark.

Like going deep into a mine shaft where there are rare gems and stuff.
But it is dark down there and there are risks of getting stuck.
And when you do get stuck, it feels like there is no hope of getting out.

If you never go down the mine shaft, you don't know
if you'll find something or not.
But there are risks involved that you are either willing or unwilling to take.
You know that you could die if you get stuck too deep.
If you can't surface for air, ect.
But say this rare gem is something that can reflect the light in such a way...
It doesn't transform the light. The light is still the light,
but somehow we are transformed by the process
of having gone to the depths to retrieve it
and transformed by the way we see the light reflected in it,
that something so beautiful came from your efforts...
Even though that gem would have still existed
if someone else found it, or if it wasn't found...
But nobody would have been aware had it not been found...
It's kind of like that when we search for gems within ourselves.
Some people find the 'motherload.'
And they wouldn't have found it had they not ever searched.

That's basically the process of discovery and transformation.
Because discovery is transformative.