Hit Me In The Feels

Tonight, I went to see a movie with a friend. It was her idea.
We were going to play scrabble, but it was getting late and we were both tired.
She had a busy day and well, I was just tired. Sh*tty weather does that to me.

So we went to see A Star Is Born. I won't ruin it for you.
The ending wasn't what I expected, let's just put it that way.
It hit me in the feels. Partially because it was a love story.
Secondly, it had an emotional ending.

Had me thinking about someone I used to know.
A long time ago and how... I'll have to save it for another time.
Because it would give away the ending and I can't do that.

Got me playing the guitar tonight. Thinking.
My ex told me he hated guitar so I never played it for him.
I only picked it back up this year. After years of leaving it in the case.
It's rare that I play for anyone anyway.

Let's just say there's lots of words unspoken tonight. Lots.
Not just because I got hit in the feels. They've been there for a while.

Was thinking about how things change so fast. Some things can.
One minute things are 'normal' and the next they are anything but 'normal'
and then you have to get used to a whole new 'normal.'
Loss is like that, grieving is like that.

Just been thinking of someone who I cared a lot about.
How life can blindside you. Then you don't know what to do about it.
All you can do is adjust and accept. Even when it's f*cking hard.
For a long time I had to pretend I was okay. I wasn't. Still I'm...
I guess at a loss as to what to do.... He used to ask me what to do.
He used to say "A***, tell me what to do!" Like I was supposed to have an answer.
Like somehow I knew. I didn't. I still don't.

Anyway... Just been thinking about him. I often do.
It wasn't just tonight, I think about him all the time.
I have to move forward and move on. It's f*cking hard.
It's like every time I have a 'best friend' I lose them.
It's very hard to get close to anyone anymore.
Even to form that connection with anyone... It's rare for me.
That's what makes it hard to lose someone.

Things are really... Maybe it's this time of year, too.... Dunno.

To change the subject....
This part of the story is about how the author was sitting next to someone
on a plane who he had a strong resistance reaction towards.

Then he was reading his book and turned to a page where he read
that everyone is our teachers. That they mirror our inner experiences.
I've been going through some stuff and there's been resistance issues.
Within my family mostly, but also with some other people and other stuff.
I don't know what that's all about. Well some of it is reluctance to accept.
Some of it is refusal to accept. A lot of junk mixed in there. A lot.
Been having a hard time accepting it, too. Because I wish it were different.
I wish communication was easier, more frequent, open.
I wish it wasn't all one-sided, either. That's the part that bothers me the most.
Like if they wanted to call, they would, etc. But they don't.

I read: "Change is a lonely process."

Back to this stuff that came up tonight, briefly...
When I was pretending that I was okay, when I wasn't...
I was trying to detach from the pain. That doesn't make the pain go away.
Detaching is like repressing. Saving it for later to deal with.
Some people never go 'there' because it hurts so much,
but how can they be a vehicle of their own healing if they don't go 'there'?
It's not only painful, but it's awkward and uncomfortable.

It's hard to explain and although I want to write,
my mind is all over the place. I think I should go to bed early tonight. If I can.