I'm thinking that this year will be about healing and about hope.
Healing has always been something that took a really long time,
but it happened partially. Not fully. Not sure why.
Maybe because with that partial healing, I felt "good to go", except I wasn't.
I mean, I continue, no matter what,
but sometimes I think I'm strong enough when I haven't recovered my strength.
I still don't like using the word recovered. I prefer discovered.
Which is true, I haven't fully discovered my own strength.
Sometimes I think I can be so much stronger
than I ever have been. Or maybe I am actually really strong.
Just haven't given myself enough credit. In that department among many.
I do still doubt myself. A lot.
Someone was talking about doubt, recently.
How he generates confidence with affirmations and stuff like that.
I started using affirmations around the time I quit drinking.
Wasn't really sure if they would do anything for me, they helped a bit.
I have a book I filled up with quotes and things like that last year.
Sometimes I just open it up and flip to a random page.
Whatever I read on that page was meant to be the energy for me.
Just keep feeling drawn to something on a spiritual level.
I can't really explain it. Like something that is a benevolent energy.
That's always been in the background in my life, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to notice it and connect with it and to it
Like the 333 stuff, "I have something to show you..."
I had a purchase that came to $3.33. I kept the receipt
because it's so rare to come out to exactly $3.33...
It was in my jacket pocket and I wanted to look at it,
so I felt for it, pulled out a receipt, wasn't it,
pulled out another receipt, wasn't it...
Pulled it out on the 3rd try. Another 3.
And today was a lucky day for me. It was all around good today.
Felt great, right until the end. Exhausted and I will sleep really well tonight,
but overall, it was really great. A traditional Christmas.
And I didn't expect to hear from my mother today.
She sent me a text. We didn't talk. I think time apart will be good.
Was feeling weird about it. Feeling left out in the cold.
Talked to a friend about it and he made some good observations.
Said that often mental issues run in families and when they do,
the issues play off on each other, so people trigger people etc.
He said a few things I hadn't considered and I'm really glad we talked.
I'm not as worried about next month now, I'm still waiting to see
how the trip will go because it'll be a crunch, in resources,
but never know. Something unexpected and wonderful could happen
between now and then. Surprises can happen. So can miracles.
I wasn't really a believer in a lot of things, I'm starting to be.
It's almost like the more faith I put into it, the more evidence I see
that supports that faith in those beliefs.
Besides, being optimistic feels a lot better than feeling hopeless.
I think hopefulness has a lot to do with the healing process, overall.
It has just been really hard to feel hopeful at times.
Even at the best of times.
Probably because I closed my heart off for a long time.
I kept seeing that sign "Open your heart" for a reason.
I closed my heart off to others, to protect myself,
but by closing my heart off to myself, I've been rejecting myself.
Not wanting to delve into the emotions, the pain. Or the sorrow.
Even though, I have been feeling pangs of it here and there
associated with the past and associated with losses from the past.
Back when I started a collage, I was finding words to cut out
from old magazines and stuff like that.
I was inspired to use them and combine them.
One message for me was "Ironically, love never ends."
I still think we are energetically bonded to people we've once loved.
And love itself never ends. It will exist long after we cease to be.
It is a comforting thought that it never ends.
All things in it, perpetuate it for eternity.
Every loving act, word, thought etc...
"Love will go on and on" - Celine Dion.
Maybe all I need to do is open up my heart to that notion.
So that it will comfort me and help me heal.
Help me to regenerate some feelings I have either lost,
or feelings that have been dormant inside me for a really long time.
Just because volcanoes lay dormant, doesn't mean they can't explode.
Maybe part of me is really afraid of opening up again.
Because opening up is me making myself vulnerable, yet again.
And vulnerability hasn't always felt 'safe' or comfortable for me.
So I remain guarded to some degree.
Like "You can wait at the gate, but you can't come in, yet."
Because "I'm getting ready and I'll be coming down from my tower to meet you.
You can't come up to my tower to meet me."
Because "I'm afraid that if I let you into my tower, you'll burn it down
and then I will no longer have a tower and I'll have to rebuild it."
And I don't have to fully trust anyone right away.
I'm working on trusting myself and trusting that things will work out.
So that I can rebuild trust with myself. After all the stupid things I've done.
Everyone makes mistakes, but I don't intend on repeating the ones I've made.
I know better than I used to. I learned from those.
A lot through feelings of regret and remorse, guilt, shame etc.
A lot of kicking myself for doing really stupid things.
But at the time, I didn't know any better.
A lot of those things were a number of years ago.
And the longer times goes on, the futher behind me they will be.
Also working on putting them behind me so that I can forgive myself.
It's been a really long time that it's been really hard to forgive myself.
But the options are:
1) Forgive myself
2) Lament over the past (that I can't change) for the rest of my life.
One brings peace, the other brings more suffering.
The thing is that just because you forgive someone
doesn't mean you have to trust them...
So even if I manage to forgive myself, I'll still need to work on the trust part.
Both are really, really, really hard for me.
I'm thinking that resistance is making it harder than it has to be.
Like something specifically that I keep resisting.
Something specifically I need to accept.
The fact that it is what it is? Or something more than that?
Probably a combo of things.
Like "it is what it is, and isn't what it isn't."
Probably more to it than that, but it's definitely a good starting point.
I keep thinking about "sleepwalking." I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid.
My mother caught me trying to get out into the backyard buck naked once.
I had my pillow and my bear and I was trying to get outside,
but most sleepwalkers can't open a door if it is locked.
They'll keep trying to turn the knob and open it,
but they aren't awake so they can't figure out that it's locked.
Although there was a case where a guy drove a long distance
and killed someone while he was sleepwalking,
and then drove back while he was still sleepwalking.
Was one of the strangest cases I've ever heard of. That's why I wrote "most."
Anyway, the reason I was thinking about that is because
we're only conscious to a degree.
I heard that it can be dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker.
I forget why they say that. Maybe something to do with shock I'm guessing.
I was talking to one of my friends about realization a long time ago.
We used to write emails back and forth for a long time.
We haven't done that for a long time, but she is really busy.
She just had a baby this year, in October. Her life is hectic.
Anyway, I love how she thinks. She's so insightful
and she's also very intuitive. She can sense things about stuff.
She knows me very well by now.
We met in a chat room and we just kept in touch for a long time.
So glad we did. She's so rare, unique, so awesome.
Anyway, I forget how she worded it exactly,
but she was saying how people prefer to remain unaware
because they literally cannot handle the truth. It would shock them too bad.
Because the truth is so stark and in sharp contrast to their beliefs.
So they have certain ideas and beliefs and mechanisms
that shield them from the truth, from reality as it actually is
compared to how they think it is.
It was a really good conversation. She's really smart. It really shows
in how she talks and how she thinks and just how she is.
In many ways, I've been shielding myself from many truths.
About myself and about life in general. A lot of painful truths.
Been living a lie for many years because I've been lying to myself
and it's not all just doubts and fears. False beliefs, yes, but much more.
I think many people lie to themselves,
partly because they've been lied to, deceived,
but it's so much more than that.
They lie to themselves in an attempt to protect themselves.
Even from the POTENTIAL of pain.
Because they don't want to even take a CHANCE of getting hurt.
Especially after getting hurt over and over and over again.
One of my regrets is that I've caused some pain to people.
More than I care to admit, but I have. I'm aware of it.
I wish I hadn't, but I have. Of course I'm not proud of it.
But I also do not have to allow myself
to torture myself over it for the rest of my life.....
I had to f*ck up, and royally, to expeience those emotions.
And to decide that I don't want to continue to feel this way.
Also to decide that I do not have to feel this way for the rest of my life.
Perhaps I can have redemption one day, but it's not about that right now.
It's about trying to do things that are really, really hard.
Forgiving and trusting. Myself.
Practicing those emotions because I already know what shame and guilt feel like.
We can feel a mix of emotions a lot of the time. Quite often, I do.
When you're used to feeling one way,
then you start feeling another way, the two ways collide and conflict.
I've had this happen so many times. Still don't know what to do about it.
It feels pretty uncomfortable, but new emotions also feel uncomfortable.
Healing has always been something that took a really long time,
but it happened partially. Not fully. Not sure why.
Maybe because with that partial healing, I felt "good to go", except I wasn't.
I mean, I continue, no matter what,
but sometimes I think I'm strong enough when I haven't recovered my strength.
I still don't like using the word recovered. I prefer discovered.
Which is true, I haven't fully discovered my own strength.
Sometimes I think I can be so much stronger
than I ever have been. Or maybe I am actually really strong.
Just haven't given myself enough credit. In that department among many.
I do still doubt myself. A lot.
Someone was talking about doubt, recently.
How he generates confidence with affirmations and stuff like that.
I started using affirmations around the time I quit drinking.
Wasn't really sure if they would do anything for me, they helped a bit.
I have a book I filled up with quotes and things like that last year.
Sometimes I just open it up and flip to a random page.
Whatever I read on that page was meant to be the energy for me.
Just keep feeling drawn to something on a spiritual level.
I can't really explain it. Like something that is a benevolent energy.
That's always been in the background in my life, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to notice it and connect with it and to it
Like the 333 stuff, "I have something to show you..."
I had a purchase that came to $3.33. I kept the receipt
because it's so rare to come out to exactly $3.33...
It was in my jacket pocket and I wanted to look at it,
so I felt for it, pulled out a receipt, wasn't it,
pulled out another receipt, wasn't it...
Pulled it out on the 3rd try. Another 3.
And today was a lucky day for me. It was all around good today.
Felt great, right until the end. Exhausted and I will sleep really well tonight,
but overall, it was really great. A traditional Christmas.
And I didn't expect to hear from my mother today.
She sent me a text. We didn't talk. I think time apart will be good.
Was feeling weird about it. Feeling left out in the cold.
Talked to a friend about it and he made some good observations.
Said that often mental issues run in families and when they do,
the issues play off on each other, so people trigger people etc.
He said a few things I hadn't considered and I'm really glad we talked.
I'm not as worried about next month now, I'm still waiting to see
how the trip will go because it'll be a crunch, in resources,
but never know. Something unexpected and wonderful could happen
between now and then. Surprises can happen. So can miracles.
I wasn't really a believer in a lot of things, I'm starting to be.
It's almost like the more faith I put into it, the more evidence I see
that supports that faith in those beliefs.
Besides, being optimistic feels a lot better than feeling hopeless.
I think hopefulness has a lot to do with the healing process, overall.
It has just been really hard to feel hopeful at times.
Even at the best of times.
Probably because I closed my heart off for a long time.
I kept seeing that sign "Open your heart" for a reason.
I closed my heart off to others, to protect myself,
but by closing my heart off to myself, I've been rejecting myself.
Not wanting to delve into the emotions, the pain. Or the sorrow.
Even though, I have been feeling pangs of it here and there
associated with the past and associated with losses from the past.
Back when I started a collage, I was finding words to cut out
from old magazines and stuff like that.
I was inspired to use them and combine them.
One message for me was "Ironically, love never ends."
I still think we are energetically bonded to people we've once loved.
And love itself never ends. It will exist long after we cease to be.
It is a comforting thought that it never ends.
All things in it, perpetuate it for eternity.
Every loving act, word, thought etc...
"Love will go on and on" - Celine Dion.
Maybe all I need to do is open up my heart to that notion.
So that it will comfort me and help me heal.
Help me to regenerate some feelings I have either lost,
or feelings that have been dormant inside me for a really long time.
Just because volcanoes lay dormant, doesn't mean they can't explode.
Maybe part of me is really afraid of opening up again.
Because opening up is me making myself vulnerable, yet again.
And vulnerability hasn't always felt 'safe' or comfortable for me.
So I remain guarded to some degree.
Like "You can wait at the gate, but you can't come in, yet."
Because "I'm getting ready and I'll be coming down from my tower to meet you.
You can't come up to my tower to meet me."
Because "I'm afraid that if I let you into my tower, you'll burn it down
and then I will no longer have a tower and I'll have to rebuild it."
And I don't have to fully trust anyone right away.
I'm working on trusting myself and trusting that things will work out.
So that I can rebuild trust with myself. After all the stupid things I've done.
Everyone makes mistakes, but I don't intend on repeating the ones I've made.
I know better than I used to. I learned from those.
A lot through feelings of regret and remorse, guilt, shame etc.
A lot of kicking myself for doing really stupid things.
But at the time, I didn't know any better.
A lot of those things were a number of years ago.
And the longer times goes on, the futher behind me they will be.
Also working on putting them behind me so that I can forgive myself.
It's been a really long time that it's been really hard to forgive myself.
But the options are:
1) Forgive myself
2) Lament over the past (that I can't change) for the rest of my life.
One brings peace, the other brings more suffering.
The thing is that just because you forgive someone
doesn't mean you have to trust them...
So even if I manage to forgive myself, I'll still need to work on the trust part.
Both are really, really, really hard for me.
I'm thinking that resistance is making it harder than it has to be.
Like something specifically that I keep resisting.
Something specifically I need to accept.
The fact that it is what it is? Or something more than that?
Probably a combo of things.
Like "it is what it is, and isn't what it isn't."
Probably more to it than that, but it's definitely a good starting point.
I keep thinking about "sleepwalking." I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid.
My mother caught me trying to get out into the backyard buck naked once.
I had my pillow and my bear and I was trying to get outside,
but most sleepwalkers can't open a door if it is locked.
They'll keep trying to turn the knob and open it,
but they aren't awake so they can't figure out that it's locked.
Although there was a case where a guy drove a long distance
and killed someone while he was sleepwalking,
and then drove back while he was still sleepwalking.
Was one of the strangest cases I've ever heard of. That's why I wrote "most."
Anyway, the reason I was thinking about that is because
we're only conscious to a degree.
I heard that it can be dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker.
I forget why they say that. Maybe something to do with shock I'm guessing.
I was talking to one of my friends about realization a long time ago.
We used to write emails back and forth for a long time.
We haven't done that for a long time, but she is really busy.
She just had a baby this year, in October. Her life is hectic.
Anyway, I love how she thinks. She's so insightful
and she's also very intuitive. She can sense things about stuff.
She knows me very well by now.
We met in a chat room and we just kept in touch for a long time.
So glad we did. She's so rare, unique, so awesome.
Anyway, I forget how she worded it exactly,
but she was saying how people prefer to remain unaware
because they literally cannot handle the truth. It would shock them too bad.
Because the truth is so stark and in sharp contrast to their beliefs.
So they have certain ideas and beliefs and mechanisms
that shield them from the truth, from reality as it actually is
compared to how they think it is.
It was a really good conversation. She's really smart. It really shows
in how she talks and how she thinks and just how she is.
In many ways, I've been shielding myself from many truths.
About myself and about life in general. A lot of painful truths.
Been living a lie for many years because I've been lying to myself
and it's not all just doubts and fears. False beliefs, yes, but much more.
I think many people lie to themselves,
partly because they've been lied to, deceived,
but it's so much more than that.
They lie to themselves in an attempt to protect themselves.
Even from the POTENTIAL of pain.
Because they don't want to even take a CHANCE of getting hurt.
Especially after getting hurt over and over and over again.
One of my regrets is that I've caused some pain to people.
More than I care to admit, but I have. I'm aware of it.
I wish I hadn't, but I have. Of course I'm not proud of it.
But I also do not have to allow myself
to torture myself over it for the rest of my life.....
I had to f*ck up, and royally, to expeience those emotions.
And to decide that I don't want to continue to feel this way.
Also to decide that I do not have to feel this way for the rest of my life.
Perhaps I can have redemption one day, but it's not about that right now.
It's about trying to do things that are really, really hard.
Forgiving and trusting. Myself.
Practicing those emotions because I already know what shame and guilt feel like.
We can feel a mix of emotions a lot of the time. Quite often, I do.
When you're used to feeling one way,
then you start feeling another way, the two ways collide and conflict.
I've had this happen so many times. Still don't know what to do about it.
It feels pretty uncomfortable, but new emotions also feel uncomfortable.
No comments:
Post a Comment