"Life is a comedy for those who think
and a tragedy for those who feel."
-Horace Walpole
Been thinking about some things about my past tonight.
Particular situations that keep coming up in my mind.
I keep thinking that I don't have to attach to these things, but I have
and now I must detach from these things.
In such a way that the severance isn't so painful.
I thought about calling my mother, but I haven't.
She isn't taking my calls or having anything to do with me.
Which is okay. I knew I had to go my own way for a while.
I kept holding on to whatever relationship I had with her,
all the while wanting it to be healthier
and all the while it just was whatever it was.
I keep thinking that if everyone who was ever in my life
just leaves me out in the cold, then so be it.
Not that I don't still care about them or whatever,
but there are certain doors that I must walk through on my own.
And certain people cannot come with me.
Changes can be both sad and necessary. I will most likely be on my own
for a big chunk of the rest of my life and the more I accept that,
it'll be easier. It won't feel as bad as when I resist that notion.
I was talking to someone from my past tonight.
Was trying to explain how far I've come in the past 5 years. Still sober etc.
I don't think he could see any of the changes I've been making.
Beside, they are internal. Harder for others to see.
Easier for them to deny what they can't see direct evidence of.
I don't expect people to understand. I keep thinking it would be nice, if they could,
but they are not likely to. What I'm going through is outside their experience.
They are more likely to understand things they can relate to.
To some degree, we are making similar changes, but...
I know that old habits die hard. In everyone.
People tend to go as far as they can go in any direction.
They can't go any further than they can go at any point in time.
There are blocks and barriers. I have mine. We all do.
They can be removed, even partially, but it takes a lot of effort.
Constant effort, various degrees of effort.
Yes, I still get frustrated with myself. Because yes, I want to progress more.
I want to make so much more progress on an inner level than I ever have.
Sometimes I think I am, but then I start thinking that I only think that I am.
If that makes any sense. That goes for the progress
that I can't see direct, immediate evidence of.
But.... Sometimes the evidence isn't direct and isn't immediate.
Then I keep thinking that what I think about something
and how I feel about something can often conflict.
Thoughts and feelings do influence each other, but they can also conflict.
I had a lot of this going on for the last year, especially.
Because of a lot of residual and lingering thoughts and feelings
about a lot of experiences I've had etc.
Thinking about it one way, and feeling about it another way.
Plus thoughts and feelings can change, even rapidly.
The faster they change, the more they conflict with
what we previously thought and felt. Which just causes a lot of tension,
a lot of consusion, frustration, ect.
Because I wanted my feelings to stay unaffected, not to change,
and I was aware of a lot changing and a lot just not feeling 'right'
due to the fact that it felt a lot different than it felt before.
And it also scared me because I haven't been all that good
with knowing what to do when this happens.
I can barely acknowledge it to myself let alone tell anyone what's going on.
So I couldn't talk it through with anyone.
I just had to 'cope' the best as I could at the time and keep it all to myself.
I keep thinking that most people won't understand,
but I'm sure they go through their own versions of this.
When they start questioning how they previously felt
because they start feeling so much different than they previously felt.
Which is what I've been going through on an inner level.
And others' feelings about me have changed and I'm aware of that.
My feelings about that are stuck.
I know that I have to accept that, my mind does,
but I keep having that weird sinking feeling in my stomach.
Because I still feel a connection to them while they do not to me.
So that is an emotional ride in itself.
Knowing that it is okay, totally okay, but not feeling 'okay' about it.
I was reading today about how we form unconscious opinions,
which are emotional memories. We remember how we feel about certain things.
Like a loss of something that was once important to us.
So the feelings that are attached to that emotional memory
come back and we feel it again when something similar happens.
Like we remember "this is how I felt when that happened."
Then those feelings come up automatically without us realizing it.
Without us realizing that we don't have to feel the same way we did
about anything. We don't. But we keep having emotional memories.
Certain things can trigger those emotional memories. Similar events etc.
Even similiar thoughts that we've had before about similar events.
It's a natural process and it is okay, it is a habit that we have formed
by feeling things about things. We just weren't aware of it.
But when we become aware of it, we can slowly train ourselves to
form new habits even in regards to our emotions.
Which is what I want to do but to do it, I have to work on reinterpretating things.
Detaching from the meaning I've already created.
I keep thinking that the dream I had today really showed me
that my mind keeps getting up to its old tricks.
It wasn't that I consciously interpreted something a certain way
that I used to interpret it because I consciously accepted it.
I totally had no negative feelings about it,
Totally wasn't making any judgment about it.
And I know that I don't have to, even if I was tempted to, which I wasn't.
In my dream, I apparently created a completely different scenario.
It was like my mind was tempting me to or trying to persuade me to
totally think something else and feel something else
according to what I thought and felt about something completely different.
Probably because that is what it's still used to doing.
So it had to do it subconsciously somehow
because consciously, I had a different response.
It's just an interesting observation. It seems that I was trying to
use reverse psychology on myself to revert back to an old outdated response.
That I know, consciously, didn't fit this situation.
It's funny how I can catch myself doing things now, that I couldn't before.
But I wasn't really thinking about it all that much.
I just would think, "Oh, that was a strange dream."
And I wouldn't think much of it.
I didn't think, "Wow, I was trying to revert back to an old pattern subconsciously.
In such a way that I can become conscious of it."
I didn't even think TO think anything of the sort.
My new way of thinking is conflicting with my old way of thinking.
My new feelings are conflicting with my old feelings. It feels weird.
I'm not used to all this tension and conflict,
like they are both fighting to see who gets to stay.
It's so easy to revert back to the familiar. I know it is.
It's so easy to want to do something that you know isn't going to help.
Even if the only reason you want to do it
is because you know how to do it already
and you're used to doing it and feel safer doing things
that you already know how to do and are used to doing.
This is why it is really hard to change the way we think and feel.
Those mental and emotional memories stay with us for a long time.
Kind of like muscle memory. Which is very similar.
Once we know how to ride a bike,
we can't go back to not knowing how to ride a bike.
All that info associated with how to ride a bike is locked in there.
It isn't going anywhere.
But we have the choice whether or not we want to ride a bike.
And we have lots of options.
It's not like people are going to force us to ride bikes everywhere, every day.
What if we'd rather take another mode of transportation?
What if we want to go on a long walk?
What if we want to learn how to drive a car?
Neither of those things have to do with any of the info
that is associated with how to ride a bike,
but it still doesn't make us forget how to ride a bike.
Once we know, we know. We can't unknow.
Unless we lose the ability to know things somehow.
I guess it is possible to forget how to do certain things
if it's been such a long period of time between doing them.
I've had a fear that I would forget how to do certain things.
Like it would get so long in between doing those things,
that I'd just forget how to do them.
Even forget how it felt to do them. Etc.
It's kind of an irrational fear and I guess it doesn't matter
because I could always relearn things... I guess.
If I still had the capacity to know how to do them.
The next section of that book at the library.... Is about competence, actually.
I think it'll have some interesting insights on the topic.
The author is pretty insightful. I might share some of his videos on here.
It just feels weird to be in the midst of a shift,
one of those very profound shifts.
Like if I can fully embrace this shift, my whole life can change.
My outlook, my beliefs, how I think and feel, how I act, all of it.
All of it is connected so when one thing changes, they all get affected.
It's awesome, but scary, and just feels weird.
I really don't like how it feels. At all. It really bugs me. A lot.
Sometimes I think that I can't help that it feels like this,
and other times I think that I can adapt easier.
I think that the reason it feels weird is that I keep resisting it.
Even though I know that resisting it only makes it harder
and only takes longer than it has to be.
It's just a way of seeing myself standing in my own way.
Which I'm used to doing. So used to doing. So used to the self sabotage.
Like "If I don't stand in my own way, where the f*ck am I going to stand?!"
Even though I keep screaming at myself:
"Get out of the f*cking way!!!! Do it!!! Now!! MOOOOOOVVVVEEE!!!"
And of course I'm so stubborn that I just act all like:
"Duh, I don't know what to do
so I'll keep doing what I'm used to doing."
Even though I know there's a better way that doesn't involve me
standing in my own way. Blocking myself, making me resist myself, etc.
It's like: "Bravo, you're good at doing that.
Now it is time to start getting good at doing something else.
Something that will actually help you, not hinder you.
You do realize what the word HELP means, don't you?!"
It's like I'm still trying to bite the hand that's trying to feed me.
Even though it's my own damn hand!
and a tragedy for those who feel."
-Horace Walpole
Been thinking about some things about my past tonight.
Particular situations that keep coming up in my mind.
I keep thinking that I don't have to attach to these things, but I have
and now I must detach from these things.
In such a way that the severance isn't so painful.
I thought about calling my mother, but I haven't.
She isn't taking my calls or having anything to do with me.
Which is okay. I knew I had to go my own way for a while.
I kept holding on to whatever relationship I had with her,
all the while wanting it to be healthier
and all the while it just was whatever it was.
I keep thinking that if everyone who was ever in my life
just leaves me out in the cold, then so be it.
Not that I don't still care about them or whatever,
but there are certain doors that I must walk through on my own.
And certain people cannot come with me.
Changes can be both sad and necessary. I will most likely be on my own
for a big chunk of the rest of my life and the more I accept that,
it'll be easier. It won't feel as bad as when I resist that notion.
I was talking to someone from my past tonight.
Was trying to explain how far I've come in the past 5 years. Still sober etc.
I don't think he could see any of the changes I've been making.
Beside, they are internal. Harder for others to see.
Easier for them to deny what they can't see direct evidence of.
I don't expect people to understand. I keep thinking it would be nice, if they could,
but they are not likely to. What I'm going through is outside their experience.
They are more likely to understand things they can relate to.
To some degree, we are making similar changes, but...
I know that old habits die hard. In everyone.
People tend to go as far as they can go in any direction.
They can't go any further than they can go at any point in time.
There are blocks and barriers. I have mine. We all do.
They can be removed, even partially, but it takes a lot of effort.
Constant effort, various degrees of effort.
Yes, I still get frustrated with myself. Because yes, I want to progress more.
I want to make so much more progress on an inner level than I ever have.
Sometimes I think I am, but then I start thinking that I only think that I am.
If that makes any sense. That goes for the progress
that I can't see direct, immediate evidence of.
But.... Sometimes the evidence isn't direct and isn't immediate.
Then I keep thinking that what I think about something
and how I feel about something can often conflict.
Thoughts and feelings do influence each other, but they can also conflict.
I had a lot of this going on for the last year, especially.
Because of a lot of residual and lingering thoughts and feelings
about a lot of experiences I've had etc.
Thinking about it one way, and feeling about it another way.
Plus thoughts and feelings can change, even rapidly.
The faster they change, the more they conflict with
what we previously thought and felt. Which just causes a lot of tension,
a lot of consusion, frustration, ect.
Because I wanted my feelings to stay unaffected, not to change,
and I was aware of a lot changing and a lot just not feeling 'right'
due to the fact that it felt a lot different than it felt before.
And it also scared me because I haven't been all that good
with knowing what to do when this happens.
I can barely acknowledge it to myself let alone tell anyone what's going on.
So I couldn't talk it through with anyone.
I just had to 'cope' the best as I could at the time and keep it all to myself.
I keep thinking that most people won't understand,
but I'm sure they go through their own versions of this.
When they start questioning how they previously felt
because they start feeling so much different than they previously felt.
Which is what I've been going through on an inner level.
And others' feelings about me have changed and I'm aware of that.
My feelings about that are stuck.
I know that I have to accept that, my mind does,
but I keep having that weird sinking feeling in my stomach.
Because I still feel a connection to them while they do not to me.
So that is an emotional ride in itself.
Knowing that it is okay, totally okay, but not feeling 'okay' about it.
I was reading today about how we form unconscious opinions,
which are emotional memories. We remember how we feel about certain things.
Like a loss of something that was once important to us.
So the feelings that are attached to that emotional memory
come back and we feel it again when something similar happens.
Like we remember "this is how I felt when that happened."
Then those feelings come up automatically without us realizing it.
Without us realizing that we don't have to feel the same way we did
about anything. We don't. But we keep having emotional memories.
Certain things can trigger those emotional memories. Similar events etc.
Even similiar thoughts that we've had before about similar events.
It's a natural process and it is okay, it is a habit that we have formed
by feeling things about things. We just weren't aware of it.
But when we become aware of it, we can slowly train ourselves to
form new habits even in regards to our emotions.
Which is what I want to do but to do it, I have to work on reinterpretating things.
Detaching from the meaning I've already created.
I keep thinking that the dream I had today really showed me
that my mind keeps getting up to its old tricks.
It wasn't that I consciously interpreted something a certain way
that I used to interpret it because I consciously accepted it.
I totally had no negative feelings about it,
Totally wasn't making any judgment about it.
And I know that I don't have to, even if I was tempted to, which I wasn't.
In my dream, I apparently created a completely different scenario.
It was like my mind was tempting me to or trying to persuade me to
totally think something else and feel something else
according to what I thought and felt about something completely different.
Probably because that is what it's still used to doing.
So it had to do it subconsciously somehow
because consciously, I had a different response.
It's just an interesting observation. It seems that I was trying to
use reverse psychology on myself to revert back to an old outdated response.
That I know, consciously, didn't fit this situation.
It's funny how I can catch myself doing things now, that I couldn't before.
But I wasn't really thinking about it all that much.
I just would think, "Oh, that was a strange dream."
And I wouldn't think much of it.
I didn't think, "Wow, I was trying to revert back to an old pattern subconsciously.
In such a way that I can become conscious of it."
I didn't even think TO think anything of the sort.
My new way of thinking is conflicting with my old way of thinking.
My new feelings are conflicting with my old feelings. It feels weird.
I'm not used to all this tension and conflict,
like they are both fighting to see who gets to stay.
It's so easy to revert back to the familiar. I know it is.
It's so easy to want to do something that you know isn't going to help.
Even if the only reason you want to do it
is because you know how to do it already
and you're used to doing it and feel safer doing things
that you already know how to do and are used to doing.
This is why it is really hard to change the way we think and feel.
Those mental and emotional memories stay with us for a long time.
Kind of like muscle memory. Which is very similar.
Once we know how to ride a bike,
we can't go back to not knowing how to ride a bike.
All that info associated with how to ride a bike is locked in there.
It isn't going anywhere.
But we have the choice whether or not we want to ride a bike.
And we have lots of options.
It's not like people are going to force us to ride bikes everywhere, every day.
What if we'd rather take another mode of transportation?
What if we want to go on a long walk?
What if we want to learn how to drive a car?
Neither of those things have to do with any of the info
that is associated with how to ride a bike,
but it still doesn't make us forget how to ride a bike.
Once we know, we know. We can't unknow.
Unless we lose the ability to know things somehow.
I guess it is possible to forget how to do certain things
if it's been such a long period of time between doing them.
I've had a fear that I would forget how to do certain things.
Like it would get so long in between doing those things,
that I'd just forget how to do them.
Even forget how it felt to do them. Etc.
It's kind of an irrational fear and I guess it doesn't matter
because I could always relearn things... I guess.
If I still had the capacity to know how to do them.
The next section of that book at the library.... Is about competence, actually.
I think it'll have some interesting insights on the topic.
The author is pretty insightful. I might share some of his videos on here.
It just feels weird to be in the midst of a shift,
one of those very profound shifts.
Like if I can fully embrace this shift, my whole life can change.
My outlook, my beliefs, how I think and feel, how I act, all of it.
All of it is connected so when one thing changes, they all get affected.
It's awesome, but scary, and just feels weird.
I really don't like how it feels. At all. It really bugs me. A lot.
Sometimes I think that I can't help that it feels like this,
and other times I think that I can adapt easier.
I think that the reason it feels weird is that I keep resisting it.
Even though I know that resisting it only makes it harder
and only takes longer than it has to be.
It's just a way of seeing myself standing in my own way.
Which I'm used to doing. So used to doing. So used to the self sabotage.
Like "If I don't stand in my own way, where the f*ck am I going to stand?!"
Even though I keep screaming at myself:
"Get out of the f*cking way!!!! Do it!!! Now!! MOOOOOOVVVVEEE!!!"
And of course I'm so stubborn that I just act all like:
"Duh, I don't know what to do
so I'll keep doing what I'm used to doing."
Even though I know there's a better way that doesn't involve me
standing in my own way. Blocking myself, making me resist myself, etc.
It's like: "Bravo, you're good at doing that.
Now it is time to start getting good at doing something else.
Something that will actually help you, not hinder you.
You do realize what the word HELP means, don't you?!"
It's like I'm still trying to bite the hand that's trying to feed me.
Even though it's my own damn hand!
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