Been A Long Time...

There was a thought that came to mind today, about something
that happened a long time ago. That I hadn't thought about for a long time.
On my birthday, I had met a guy who I was friends with for a while.
A guy I had dated 'warned' me about him and how he even knew I met him....
I have no idea. He was keeping tabs on me apparently.
The guy I had dated had been spying on me, reading my emails before.
So I wouldn't put it past him to spy on me again.

Anyway, this guy I had met... He had brought me to his friend's house.
Then he and his friend were drinking and another guy showed up.
I had to leave later in the evening. I asked my friend to take me to the bus,
but he wouldn't. So the friend of his friend ended up driving me to the main stop.

It was like "Let's take this girl to a stranger's house
and refuse to take her to the bus.
In a bad neighborhood, at night. I clearly don't care about her safety."

There was a murder in that neighborhood, like blocks away.
The cops never caught the guy who killed him and my 'friend' was all like whatever.

So after that, he kept calling me relentlessly. Multiple times a day.
It was ridiculous. My ex answered the phone and told him to stop calling.
It was right when my ex came here for a visit and he ended up staying for 6 months.

Anyway, I hadn't thought of that guy for a long time.
I don't know what brought him to mind today.

Maybe was still thinking of a tarot reading from a couple weeks ago
where the reader said an Aries wants to come back into my life.
The only Aries I could think of was a guy I briefly dated
and I am pretty sure he doesn't want to come back into my life.
Even if he did, that ship has sailed.

When we were dating, I went to go see him where he lived out of town.
He didn't tell ANYONE I was coming and didn't even introduce me
to his mother! He brought me to her house with him
and she was all like "Who are you?!"
You couldn't even tell your mother that your girlfriend was coming?!
Then he gave me some excuse for not telling her I was coming.
He said that had he told her, she would have started making plans for us.
He could have just told her and said "I already have plans for us."
He was moving that weekend, so I helped him move when I was there...
Totally didn't go as expected, in any way, whatever,
but it was like me going over there to see him wasn't worth a mention to anyone.

Then I remembered that dude who kept calling me is an Aries.

I'm usually hesitant to give anyone my number.
The last guy to keep calling and calling... I didn't give him my number.
He was doing a campaign thing where he had my number,
calling, getting donations. For a program he was in.
He just started calling me because he liked me based on that one conversation.
Never met the guy. But he stopped calling me after I told him
that I didn't want to date or anything. My ex and I had just broken up.
He and I were still talking at that point, but we aren't anymore.

The only other Aries I can think of is a guy I went to school with.
He and I were friends for quite a while. I introduced him to a friend of mine.
Then he was saying how the guy I introduced him to was his oldest friend.
Apparently he forgot that I introduced him to him.
After that, my friend wanted to hang out with him more, which was fine,
but when he came back to town, he didn't bother telling me he was in town.

So the Aries guy... He asked me to knit him a hat and offered me money for it.
I made it, told him I made it. He didn't bother collecting it.
So he didn't get the hat from me and I didn't get paid for it.
Then I was all like: "F*ck it, I don't need friends like this."

There was a friend I had from when I was a kid,
I heard from her recently. She was another of those:
"Can you make me this? I'll pay you!" Then didn't get it from me.
Then she moved away, didn't want to see me before she left.
Then she's been back for 2 years and just heard from her recently.
So "f*ck it, I don't need friends like this."
She's not an Aries, though. Doesn't matter I guess. Any of it.
All crap from the past that I don't even need to think about anymore.
That I hadn't thought about for a long time.

We were good friends at one point, but that was so long ago.
It seems that most people forget about me. Whatever.
My happiness doesn't need to depend on who remembers me or doesn't.
Or who drops me or doesn't. Or anything.
I appreciate having quality people in my life, though.
And I will meet more quality people. Eventually.
But my life isn't ending just because I haven't met them, yet.
Not saying I haven't met any, I'm just saying I'll meet more in the future.
But I don't even care about the dropping out or the lack of appreciation anymore.
It used to really bother me, a lot. It got to me so much.
Like aren't I worth more to my 'friends'?

Now it's like: "Oh, I must not matter very much to them. Too bad for them."
My value doesn't decrease based on anyone's inability to see my worth.
Neither does yours, or anyone's.

It was a lesson that was hard for me to learn
because I was letting it really get to me. REALLY get to me.
because I wanted to be worth more to the people I cared about. Family, friends...
My self-esteem took a huge dive because of how people have treated me.
But none of that matters, it doesn't have to affect how I feel anymore.
I don't have to feel like I have zero worth just because they can't see that I do.
If I'm not worth it to them, I will be to someone else. Too bad for them.
I had to walk out of many lives because they couldn't see my value.
Not that I'm saying that I have a ridiculous worth or value,
but I'm worth something. Not nothing. Like I used to think.
I'm worth time, effort, consideration, and respect.
I used to feel like absolute sh*t about myself because people treated me badly.
But I don't have to let it affect me anymore.
That's on them, it says nothing about me. NOTHING! It feels good to know that!