About Emotions

I'll begin with an emotional episode that I had today.
It was feelings about feelings that came up and then thoughts came up
that supported those feelings. It lasted for about an hour or so.
Which isn't as bad as lasting days like it used to.

So it started as a trigger. It was because I got sensitive to a fact
that I can't do anything to change, nobody can.
Someone asked me when the last time was that I was physically intimate.
Honestly, it's been a couple of years.
Since I had any physical intimacy. Like not even a kiss or anything.
I can't do anything about this fact. It's just been as long as it has. That's all.
But I started having an emotional reaction to this,
because I guess my mind started making up meanings and trying to 'reason'
why it's been so long and stupid stuff like this.
For a really long time, my self-esteem has been tied to the ABILITY to be intimate
if I chose to be intimate. Which it never had to be, but it was.
Like I must be worthy if I 'could' get a guy, if I 'could' keep a guy interested,
this sort of thing. And in actuality, my worth doesn't have much to do with this.

But for whatever reason, my self-esteem took a dive because it's been a long time.
Even though, I'm not one to just 'do it' for the sake of 'doing it.'
I'm sure I could have just found someone who'd just do it,
but obviously, that's not what I want.
There's no satisfaction in just doing it with whomever. Not for me.
No matter how hard my hormones rage.

Anyway, this isn't about the act itself. It's about the emotional reaction I had.
To not even been kissed in like two years.
Because I guess somehow my self-esteem is still linked to my sense of self-worth
and all of that when I know it doesn't have to be.
Like so what?! It's been a couple of years... It's not like I do it every day.
And even if I did it every day, I'd be in a meaningful relationship.
Which never happened in the last couple of years. For lots of reasons.
Not just because guys haven't been interested in me on that kind of level.
Even if they have been, they like never approach me. They never tell me.
Am I supposed to read minds? I don't know.
I can sense things, but I've been wrong before so I'd rather just know.

Anyway.... So these thoughts kept coming up
because they supported the feelings I was having about this and about myself.
Like this feeling must mean (whatever) so the mind starts doing its thing.
Like I try to justify it or something I don't even know why.
But I really saw myself getting caught up in it for a good hour or so.

I'm getting all emotional as I'm writing this, but not about that.
My son texted me out of the blue and asked if he could come over
and said he has lots to talk about and asked if he can sleep over.
And that he loves me and that just rarely happens. Very rarely.
I went through an entire year wanting my son in my life.
For an entire year he and his father totally ignored me, I just wanted to die.
I saw my son twice that year. Only twice. Not even on Mother's Day.
I was going through that and my ex was extremely supportive.
I went to see him for a couple of weeks.
I hadn't healed from our breakup though and I couldn't just get back together.
Which is why I'm pretty sure that he resents me.
Because he wanted to get back together. Maybe he has other reasons,
we didn't go into detail about his reasons.

Anyway, I totally wasn't expecting my son to text me.
It was a very lovely surprise and for him to tell me that he loves me.
I waited over a year to have that and even then I wasn't sure I ever would.
Like I wasn't sure I'd ever get to see my son again. It was devastating.

That's another thing about dating, though.
Not every guy is thrilled that I'm already a Mom.
And that is a big reason why I get rejected a lot, I'm sure.
If I start dating again, he'd have to not only be okay with that,
he'd have to be okay with the fact that I will be there for my son when I can
and when he needs me to be there for him. He's my son. That's what Moms do.

Today has been extremely emotional on several fronts.

Anyway, there's this part in the book I'm reading about how a guy
got his amygdala removed due to health concerns, seizures...
He couldn't recognize family members or old friends,
had zero interest in anyone. Was indifferent to their feelings
about his lack of feelings towards them.

They call this "affective blindness."
"The inability to gauge the emotional significance of events."

I can still feel things, a lot. Even as much as I repress my feelings.
Sometimes I get overly emotional.
Like when my son contacted me, like half an hour ago
and I'm still crying, like bawling.
Because I got hit with a wave of emotions that I was holding in for a long time.
Wanting him in my life when he was out of reach and not acknowledging me.
Not being able to fulfill my role as a mother.
Just not feeling wanted or cared for in any way by anyone.
Having to deal with emotion that I didn't want to feel let alone face.

I had a lot of loss in my life. A lot. A lot of pain.
A lot of separation. A lot of grieving stuff.
I'm just starting to have a relationship with my son again.
And that is extremely important to me.
Anyone who dates me will have to recognize that and accept that.