A Need To Open Up

Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired, but I'm really emotional.
There's a full moon coming in a few days
and this could have something to do with it.
Just feeling like a need to open up and just be completely open.
Like it would somehow free me from this surge of emotion.
Maybe it's this grief work stuff coming up.
Surging above the surface.
I remind myself that I can only do what I can with what I have
from where I am in my life.
I can't do more with what I haven't got, yet,
from where I haven't gotten to, yet.
It's not possible to be more than what I am at this point in time.
I mean, I can BECOME more, but I just am what I am.
At any given point in time.

It's been hard time accepting things as they are, myself as I am.
Wishing and wanting more of and from myself and from life.
Being extremely disappointed in myself
for causing things to fall apart and causing things to just go to hell.
For not being as responsible as I want to be.
For not being as accountable as I want to be.
Running from so much, hiding from so much. Not facing the truth.
About myself and about how I caused all this sh*t to just be sh*t.
I keep telling myself I didn't know any better. I wasn't able to see it.
But now that I see it, I'm having a really strong emotional reaction to it.
This really strong emotional reaction is a mix of a lot of emotions.
And I really don't know what to make of it or what to do about it.
I've got a big headach and I feel sick and I must sleep.
There's a lot to write about, but I can't focus right now.
I can't think straight. It's just a bunch of stuff that I can't put into words.
Ever feel that way?