Been thinking about THAT feeling. The one I have felt sometimes.
I've been wanting to feel IT more.
I'd gladly replace how I have been feeling with THAT feeling.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had some conversations
that were rewarding for me.
Not that I communicate for the rewards.
I just appreciate the time and effort that went into those.
I notice when there's not. I don't have to like those.
I don't have to like it when I keep trying and I don't hear anything back.
People have their reasons for doing what they do
and for not doing what they are not doing.
I have my reasons for wanting to do what I want to do.
I can give up some things for other things.
Even possibilities for other possibilities.
Which is what we do whenever we decide one way or another.
Because we can't go in both directions at the same time.
The other day I was thinking about how I spent so much time
focusing on how my life was and how dissatisfied I was with certain aspects.
When I could have been focusing on how I wanted my life to be.
"Having it my way isn't the only way."
Sometimes another way could be so much better than how I wanted it to be.
"Allow this new chapter of your life to begin."
Been drawn to the past. A lot. I'm not sure why.
I've missed certain people and missed having them in my life.
But if they wanted me in their lives, they'd find me, reach out to me.
I've been feeling weird lately. Ups and downs.
Like I know that I don't have to depend on conditions to condition my moods,
but I've been so used to doing it for all these years that I keep doing it.
Like feeling good when 'good things' happen
and feeling like crap when nothing is happening.
Instead of feeling neutral. It's not my strong point.
Either I feel wonderful or I feel awful.
Maybe the reason I'm not okay with some things
is just to learn to become okay with them.
Like how I haven't got much of a social life.
Or a love life, or the things I wished that I had,
but 'be careful what you wish for." We can get more than we've bargained for.
That's what happens when we gamble.
We could win big or lose big. We don't go into it knowing the outcome.
I know that a possible outcome is getting hurt.
Which of course I don't want, but it helps me learn.
Been focusing on the wrong things for years.
Those things are familiar to me, too familiar.
I have certain tools that I didn't have before.
I let go of certain things that were important to me. That mattered too much.
I have a lot more to let go of. So much more.
Not just physical possessions I don't actually need.
Even in the times I feel f*cked up and think I'm f*cked up,
I think that I was a lot more f*cked up than I am today.
That I have been working on things. I have worked through some things.
I'm still working on some things and that is okay.
If I hadn't wanted to, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have grown.
I might have been dead by now. I felt like giving up so many times,
but I'm still here. For a reason.
Things are as they are for a reason. I am as I am for a reason.
I have learned some things as a result of being f*cked up.
I have also learned some things as a result of f*cking up.
I'm not saying that I'm no longer f*cked up,
I'm just no longer AS f*cked up.
I'm not saying that I will no longer f*ck up.
I'll probably always disappoint someone and myself.
But I've probably disappointed myself more than I have disappointed others.
No matter how much I have disappointed them.
I keep reminding myself that I don't have to want what I used to want.
We're taught to want the same things others want.
"Why wouldn't you want this?" Well, why should I?
Because you do? Because you think I should, too?
So they look at a social outcast like me and think there's a reason
why I'm a social outcast. Maybe there is.
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone to figure things out.
Maybe I always had a hard time figuring things out
because I was always with people who also had a hard time.
I'm interested in discovery, not recovery.
I cannot and will not recover anything I never had, period.
Someone made a point to me recently. About service.
I can either choose a service based recovery
or a recovery based service.
I can either choose a service based discovery,
or a discovery based service.
I don't feel like I'm helping anyone from the kitchen.
All I do is pass out cups. Like that is all I'm good for.
I could really actually help people. I know that I can and I want to.
Anyone could pass out cups. Anyone.
Almost anyone could be a janitor, too. That's not what I want.
I want to make a difference. Otherwise, what am I here for?
Why didn't I just die when I tried to kill myself?
Because I have to stick around. There's something. What is it?
There's something for us all. Something for everyone.
And it's not to go around making ourselves miserable
while trying to make everyone else happy.
If they aren't happy, there's some barriers to happiness that THEY have.
That is when it is about them and not you.
That is how I used to be in relationships. I expected way too much.
But also way too much was expected of me.
So I never felt like I was good enough. For anyone.
I definitely wasn't good enough for myself.
Why would I be good enough for anyone else? Right?
And I was focused on trying to make everyone else happy.
To please everyone else. "Don't be like this, be like that."
"Don't be like that, be like this." They won't ever be happy no matter how I am.
But what they don't realize is that it's their own reactions to me
being exactly the way I am. That is me.
Yeah, I have fun in different ways that people would like me to.
"Don't act like that!" So they impose their conditions on me.
Yet, I'm not allowed to tell them what I don't like or would like.
Because they get offended by that and I'm not allowed to be.
It's like my entire life has been the biggest double standard.
But I can't get upset about it or even mention it at all.
Like I'm not allowed to feel the exact same way they would feel
if I imposed the exact same conditions on them that they do on me.
"Why does she treat me like this?"
Well why have you been treating me exactly that way my entire life?
But I have no right to my own feelings or to express them at all.
So why bother feeling or trying or anything?
Because out there, somewhere, there is someone who understands.
Maybe not completely, but a little understanding goes a long way.
I've been wanting to feel IT more.
I'd gladly replace how I have been feeling with THAT feeling.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had some conversations
that were rewarding for me.
Not that I communicate for the rewards.
I just appreciate the time and effort that went into those.
I notice when there's not. I don't have to like those.
I don't have to like it when I keep trying and I don't hear anything back.
People have their reasons for doing what they do
and for not doing what they are not doing.
I have my reasons for wanting to do what I want to do.
I can give up some things for other things.
Even possibilities for other possibilities.
Which is what we do whenever we decide one way or another.
Because we can't go in both directions at the same time.
The other day I was thinking about how I spent so much time
focusing on how my life was and how dissatisfied I was with certain aspects.
When I could have been focusing on how I wanted my life to be.
"Having it my way isn't the only way."
Sometimes another way could be so much better than how I wanted it to be.
"Allow this new chapter of your life to begin."
Been drawn to the past. A lot. I'm not sure why.
I've missed certain people and missed having them in my life.
But if they wanted me in their lives, they'd find me, reach out to me.
I've been feeling weird lately. Ups and downs.
Like I know that I don't have to depend on conditions to condition my moods,
but I've been so used to doing it for all these years that I keep doing it.
Like feeling good when 'good things' happen
and feeling like crap when nothing is happening.
Instead of feeling neutral. It's not my strong point.
Either I feel wonderful or I feel awful.
Maybe the reason I'm not okay with some things
is just to learn to become okay with them.
Like how I haven't got much of a social life.
Or a love life, or the things I wished that I had,
but 'be careful what you wish for." We can get more than we've bargained for.
That's what happens when we gamble.
We could win big or lose big. We don't go into it knowing the outcome.
I know that a possible outcome is getting hurt.
Which of course I don't want, but it helps me learn.
Been focusing on the wrong things for years.
Those things are familiar to me, too familiar.
I have certain tools that I didn't have before.
I let go of certain things that were important to me. That mattered too much.
I have a lot more to let go of. So much more.
Not just physical possessions I don't actually need.
Even in the times I feel f*cked up and think I'm f*cked up,
I think that I was a lot more f*cked up than I am today.
That I have been working on things. I have worked through some things.
I'm still working on some things and that is okay.
If I hadn't wanted to, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have grown.
I might have been dead by now. I felt like giving up so many times,
but I'm still here. For a reason.
Things are as they are for a reason. I am as I am for a reason.
I have learned some things as a result of being f*cked up.
I have also learned some things as a result of f*cking up.
I'm not saying that I'm no longer f*cked up,
I'm just no longer AS f*cked up.
I'm not saying that I will no longer f*ck up.
I'll probably always disappoint someone and myself.
But I've probably disappointed myself more than I have disappointed others.
No matter how much I have disappointed them.
I keep reminding myself that I don't have to want what I used to want.
We're taught to want the same things others want.
"Why wouldn't you want this?" Well, why should I?
Because you do? Because you think I should, too?
So they look at a social outcast like me and think there's a reason
why I'm a social outcast. Maybe there is.
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone to figure things out.
Maybe I always had a hard time figuring things out
because I was always with people who also had a hard time.
I'm interested in discovery, not recovery.
I cannot and will not recover anything I never had, period.
Someone made a point to me recently. About service.
I can either choose a service based recovery
or a recovery based service.
I can either choose a service based discovery,
or a discovery based service.
I don't feel like I'm helping anyone from the kitchen.
All I do is pass out cups. Like that is all I'm good for.
I could really actually help people. I know that I can and I want to.
Anyone could pass out cups. Anyone.
Almost anyone could be a janitor, too. That's not what I want.
I want to make a difference. Otherwise, what am I here for?
Why didn't I just die when I tried to kill myself?
Because I have to stick around. There's something. What is it?
There's something for us all. Something for everyone.
And it's not to go around making ourselves miserable
while trying to make everyone else happy.
If they aren't happy, there's some barriers to happiness that THEY have.
That is when it is about them and not you.
That is how I used to be in relationships. I expected way too much.
But also way too much was expected of me.
So I never felt like I was good enough. For anyone.
I definitely wasn't good enough for myself.
Why would I be good enough for anyone else? Right?
And I was focused on trying to make everyone else happy.
To please everyone else. "Don't be like this, be like that."
"Don't be like that, be like this." They won't ever be happy no matter how I am.
But what they don't realize is that it's their own reactions to me
being exactly the way I am. That is me.
Yeah, I have fun in different ways that people would like me to.
"Don't act like that!" So they impose their conditions on me.
Yet, I'm not allowed to tell them what I don't like or would like.
Because they get offended by that and I'm not allowed to be.
It's like my entire life has been the biggest double standard.
But I can't get upset about it or even mention it at all.
Like I'm not allowed to feel the exact same way they would feel
if I imposed the exact same conditions on them that they do on me.
"Why does she treat me like this?"
Well why have you been treating me exactly that way my entire life?
But I have no right to my own feelings or to express them at all.
So why bother feeling or trying or anything?
Because out there, somewhere, there is someone who understands.
Maybe not completely, but a little understanding goes a long way.
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