If... Then...

A lot of people put conditions on conditions.
I've observed this in myself.
I've held back at a lot of times I felt others were holding back with me.
"If they open up, then I will, too."
"If they give me something I want, I'll give them what they want."
I've been taught to do this by people who do this.
I did it without realizing I was doing it.

Like how I saw myself in someone recently.
"If I were in a relationship, then I would be happy."
People who aren't already happy are not going to magically become happy
when they get something they think will make them happy.

It doesn't work. People don't seek unhappy people
with the intention of making them happy.
They are either happy or unhappy and it has nothing to do with
having or not having what they want. They think it has everything to do with it.
But it doesn't. Because people can be miserable in relationships.
With partners who are not well suited for them. For each other.
I've been with partners who were not happy with me.
Not happy with who I was becoming, or who I was,
what I was doing or not doing, they had their reasons.
So the relationship itself didn't 'cure' their unhappiness.
The relationship improves when your mood does.
As someone who has depression, I couldn't be 'present.'
I've been emotionally closed off, for years,
but wanted someone to be open with me emotionally,
emotionally available when I couldn't be that, myself. Makes no sense.

When the conditions become more important than the goals,
then how are we supposed to focus on the goals?

Also we tend to want something that keeps us in our comfort zone.
Because we even fear the things that make us feel uncomfortable,
but those things are just things. They don't make us feel anything.
It's how we are conditioned to react to those things
that affects how we feel about those things.

When we create hoops for people to jump through,
and they jump through them, the reaction is to create more.
It's not something we're aware that we are doing, I wasn't.
I had certain reactions to things. Like I wasn't attracted to certain things
about the people I dated. So I wanted them to fix those things for me.
Which, yes, sounds stupid. It is stupid. But for whatever reason,
I still don't know why, I couldn't just accept those things about them.
That is when I did that "If, then" stuff.

"If you do this, then I will be more attracted to you."

I know it is stupid and I don't even know how I would have reacted
if they had said anything like that to me. "Aren't I enough, the way I am?"
There are certain things that I know I am not attracted to,
like facial hair, for one. I don't find it attractive.

However, I find intellect extremely attractive. Just not facial hair.
Also, I don't find longish hair on a guy attractive.
I guess I assiciate those two things with something. I don't know.

Of course there are things about me that are unattractive.
Most of the time people don't point them out to me
because people who are sensitive about such things
have a hard time hearing it and then get defensive,
they also shut down.
Yet, I know I'm not without my flaws and imperfections.

Another thing I want to write about is blaming.
I blamed a lot of people for my unhappiness for a really long time.
It was always to do with someone else.
"If they did this, then I would be happy."
"If they stopped doing this, then I would be happy."

"If they hadn't done this, then I wouldn't have done that."
"If they had done this, then I would have done that."

But I was to blame for a lot of things that were my fault.

"When we blame others, we prevent ourselves from learning."
"We remain ignorant to how we contributed to the situation."

As an example of this.... You can see this in prisons.
Studies showed only 3% took accountability for their choices.
When inmates were asked why they were in prison,
97% of them had a "it's not my fault" story.

"Blaming others enables us to avoid dealing with issues."
When we keep avoiding dealing with issues,
how are we ever supposed to deal with the issue?
We'll just keep making excuses after excuses why we 'can't' deal with it.
We're choosing not to. It's that simple.

And yes, I have my own issues I've been avoiding dealing with.
I'm speaking from experience here.
I'm not saying I never avoided or don't avoid it.
I have and I still do. I don't know why.
Probably because I believed I couldn't deal with it.
Probably because I believed it would be too hard.
It's not all meant to be easy. It's not.
These are the inner demons that can't be fought unless they are seen,
unless they are being looked at, faced.
We can't just go into a cave with a blindfold on, swinging a sword around,
and expect to slay a dragon.
How are we supposed to deal with something we don't want to look at?

Yeah, we can lack the courage to do what needs to be done.
Or we can find it. If we look hard enough for it.
But we won't find it with our eyes closed.
And not just our eyes, our minds.

Because when we 'look' inside,
we're not going to 'see' things with our actual eyes.