Convincing Myself TO Convince Myself

"Often the things we fear are the things we need to experience."

Then I read an article about full moons... 

The other night I was sensing some erratic energy, yet I felt calm. 

The article was talking about the calm before the storm. 

How storms are inevitable. We will experience them 
whether we want to or not. 

How full moons have ways of enhancing things in our lives.

Sometimes this enhancement brings us greater clarity 
than we've had before. 

So we can see our ways, not just our 'pathways' 
but how we have been doing things, 

our triggers, how we can forgive, do better, be better, rebuild etc. 

I've realized something. That a lot of why I've been resisting change

is because I've been lost to my own apathy. I've resigned. 

Resignation is a type of passive acceptance. 

Because it's like accepting something I know that I shouldn't. 

That nobody would if they were 'well.'

A friend was trying to get me to face something, my own demons. 

He said: "I can't make you care." 

It wasn't that I didn't or that I don't, it's that I got to a point

where I don't even know how to show it or feel certain things. 

I've shut out a lot and turned off a lot of inner stuff. 

Because there were a lot of things that have been extremely painful. 

So from a cerain age, it's just been a void there. 

That I tried to fill with other things, mainly alcohol.
And the things that I thought I needed, but those were temporary. 

The thing is that I've guarded it so well, that I don't know how to get in. 

I've locked myself out of myself. If that makes sense.
And most people refuse to even acknowledge that what they seek is within. 

They convince themselves that they are fine 
looking for everything on the outside. 

Just like I have convinced myself. 

I have even convinced myself to convince myself.

That is how I know that I can convince myself 
to convince myself of other things. 

It has always worked both ways. 

If you can sabotage yourself, you can also support yourself, 

but learning how is something else. Sabotaging is easy. Supporting isn't. 

It requires a lot of patience and a lot of knowledge about nurturing.
I only have some, but I can build on that. 

Been thinking a lot about the things that I've convinced myself that I 'can't' do. 

I've come to the conclusion that some barriers are reasons and some are excuses. 

Excuses that I've been using to keep myself stuck. 

Because I've been afraid of change. Or what it will mean for me. 

About what I will have to give up to get something else. 

About giving all my time and strength for something 

when I don't even know if it will actually benefit me. 

Or if it will hold me back in other ways. 

Like if I take a job opportunity and it will take all my time

so that I won't have the time to do certain things

like look for another job that I might be better suited for, 

or have the time for appointments or things like that. 

I know there is always a catch for everything. Even the things I want. 

Like everything comes with their own sacrifices that I must make. 

Whether I want to make them or not.
Taking one path means not taking any others.
Like once you go down any roads, there is often no going back. 

Even though, maybe this isn't the point I'd want to come back to. 

Except this is the point I am at now, but I do have choices. 

Even when it seems that I don't or have too few.

It's been a fight with myself to figure out these things

and other things that I haven't, yet. Like pulling teeth. Even harder than that. 

Like I have to literally knock myself out to get past myself. 

I know that sounds extreme or even stupid, 

but I'm so beyond frustrated with myself. 

With the seeker and the keeper. Both aspects. All aspects. 

I know I'd feel a lot better and do a lot better, even be a lot better

if I could get myself to co-operate with myself.
If I can 'sync' and find some inner harmomy. Some balance.