Feeling Better

Today, I'm feeling better. I'm not holding onto things as I wanted them to be.
I gave up on the hopes I had for this weekend.
I really gave the last chapter a lot of thought.

Been thinking about something someone said
about getting ready to be ready to be ready.
How ready are we when we're not ready to be ready?

Then I twisted it to fit allowing.
Telling myself that I'm allowed to be allowed to be allowed.
Allowed to feel good for the sake of feeling good.
Allowed to allow things to be as they are.
Even the things I don't like or want.

Allowing things to be allowed to be as they are.
Without the need to 'judge' it.
Without the need to look at it a certain way.
Without the need or desire for it to change.
Because they are allowed to be the way they are.

Things are allowed to be less than perfect.
Things are allowed to be other than we want them to be.
I'm allowed to be less than perfect.
I'm allowed to be other than others want me to be.
I'm even allowed to be other than what I want myself to be.

And that is freedom. I feel free-er today than I've felt in a long time.
Because I can see how these things are fitting together.
Seeing it helps me recognize things in me.
Like how today I was tempted into being disappointed
because I wanted something that wasn't going to happen.
So I just allowed it to be what it is and I felt better about it.
Knowing that it is allowed to be what it is.
All the things are allowed to happen the way they are happening.
People are allowed to be however they are. Including me.
It's a pretty good feeling. I'll gladly take it.
Over feeling how I'd usually feel about circumstances
that aren't meeting my expectations
or even coming close to how I'd rather have them.

All the things that have happened in my life
all happened so that I can be at peace with that. All of it.
No matter what I've thought about it or how I've felt about it.
My thoughts and feelings actually had and have nothing to do with it.
Because they would have still happened exactly the way they did
regardless of my thoughts about it and feelings about it. Doesn't matter.

Like today, I was coming home and I saw a girl around my age
who had gone shopping with her father
and her father was helping her carry her things back to her place.
And I couldn't help but to think that I don't have that.
That my father is dead. Been dead for many many years.
So I never had that. Never will.
I have a step-father, but he and I are not close.
He's not a father figure to me. Or for me.
But he's still allowed to be however he is.

Most of the time I see these types of things and don't think much about it.
Or it hits me that others have what I don't.
But it doesn't matter. I didn't get upset about it.
I didn't let it get to me. It was a thought I had.
I'm allowed to have thoughts like that.
I'm allowed to feel like I'm missing certain things sometimes.
But others are allowed to have what I do not.
Even when I wish I had what they had.
It wasn't about her going shopping with her dad.
It was that she has one. She's allowed to be allowed to have one.

It's hard to explain. Sort of.

Anyway, it's not even about the actual thoughts I've been having.
It's about having the thoughts themselves. Thinking.
The thoughts themselves are irrelevant.
It's taking the time to think about what we think.
Which most people don't.

Been making many observations today.
Observations that I don't really have to think a ton about.
I don't have to feel any particular way about these things.
They are just things I've been noticing. That is all.

Like how people act towards me when they don't get their way.
How I have acted when I didn't get my way.
How I've felt when people were trying to screw me over.
How I've felt when I THOUGHT people were trying to screw me over.
How I've acted in those cases. How I reacted. How I've overreacted.

As an example, there was a guy on a chat site who was being pretty aggressive.
Expecting instantaneous responses from me. When I wasn't even there to respond.
Instead of giving me space and time to respond,
he'd try to make me feel bad by saying things like:
"Why are you ignoring me?"
Then he's passively said something about me ignoring him
in the room we were in. To the other chatters.
Then threaten to 'unfriend' me. Or whatever.

The last message was that he was glad he 'removed' me.
Why even say that? What is the point? Move on. It's immature.
So I am just letting people be as they are. They are allowed.
And I'm allowed not to have any reaction to their reactions to me.
Or their reactions to their own thoughts about their own reactions.
It used to bother me. People judging me. It doesn't as much anymore.
It doesn't have to bother me.
People are allowed to be self-righteous, stupid idiots. All they want.
I'm allowed to not care about them being self-righteous, stupid idiots.
If that is the way they want to be, they are allowed to be that way.
It does not have to have ANY effect on me whatsoever.

Do I prefer that they aren't self-righteous, stupid idiots? Sure.
But my preferences have nothing to do with the fact that they are.
So they can continue being exactly the way they are.
I can continue being exactly the way that I am.
I can continue to evolve. Because that's what I want to do.
I don't have to care what others want to do and what they don't.
I don't have to care about how they act towards me or in general.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Some people just aren't very smart and it is not my problem. I wish them luck.
I'm not saying I'm a genius. I've done stupid sh*t. But I thought about it.
I really thought about it and I learned from it.
The whole point of making mistakes is to learn from them
so not to repeat them.
People who make the same mistakes over and over again
keep making them because they have never learned the first time.

The funny thing is that people who are not meant to stay in our lives
end up weeding themselves out. All on their own.

While people who are meant to be in our lives
either stay or come back into our lives.
For one reason or another. Even several reasons.