Sometimes we want to know if the things we remember
are still the way we remembered them.
Most of the time they are not. They really aren't.
Times change, people change.
Sometimes we want better for the people we care about.
We want them to want better for themselves.
Why? Because life is too fucking short for bullsh*t.
There's so much more to life than what we think we 'need.'
I was hell f*cking bent on destroying my life. I didn't care anymore.
I was done caring. Who did I have who actually cared about me?
Other than the only one who ever did, my Grandmother?
What do I have now? A bunch of people who enjoy blowing smoke up my ass.
And I have the work I have been doing. So I can have a better life.
While I'm still f*cking alive. I could die in my sleep for all I know.
I could go to bed tonight and not wake the f*ck up.
I could have a blood clot in my brain. Would explain why my head is f*cked up.
Maybe it's not epilepsy. Maybe it's a f*cking blood clot.
And I might be on the brink of a brain aneurysm.
I don't really have any way to know. Because my doctor is a SH*TTY doctor.
My point is that we get ONE life.
I have a chance to give myself a chance. I'm doing my best to take it.
While I still have it. Otherwise I'll have wasted my life.
Not entirely a complete waste, but there's so much more to life than this.
I spent years and years where I wasn't happy.
Because I wasn't progressing. I was stagnating.
I was stewing in my own self-loathing. I wanted to f*cking die
because I would have rathered that than keep living the way I was living.
And I tried to kill myself 6 times.
I only didn't succeed because deep down inside, I didn't actually want to die.
I wanted who I was to die. I hated myself because I hated who I was.
I'm not that person anymore. That person has died.
Except most people think she's still alive, still who I am. I'm not.
I'm soooo f*cking not that person anymore.
But can people see who I am now? Can they really see me?
Just because I want them to, doesn't mean that they can. Most can't.
Sometimes we find people from our past because they need us.
Or they will drown themselves. They'll kill themselves.
If we don't give them a chance to give themselves a chance.
I've been there. Nobody gave me a chance to give myself a chance.
I had to be the one to give myself a chance.
Yes, I wanted someone who wouldn't give up on me.
Who didn't want me to give up on myself. But I was the only one I had.
And most of the time, I feel like I'll always be the only one I have.
Because nobody sees me for me, anyway. So why would they stick around?
And, really, why should they give ONE f*ck about me?
I have to be the one who gives a f*ck about myself. Or nobody will.
Yes, I wanted things to be different all along. But not just for myself.
For people I've cared about, who I still care about.
I want them to care about themselves.
So they don't end up drinking themselves to death. I watched people do that.
I was close to doing that to myself.
Maybe the reason I didn't was to save someone from doing it to themselves.
It would crush me if I couldn't.
The thing is, back then, even if I had someone who wanted better for me.
I probably would have pushed them away.
Thinking that they were just another person
who wanted to blow smoke up my ass.
Who just told me what they thought I wanted to hear and didn't mean it.
Who told me I meant the world to them when I really didn't.
Maybe I didn't quit drinking for the right reasons.
"The right and wrong answers should come from your heart."
Not because I wanted a chance for something real with Z** D****.
Who I can't even tell if he was being real with me or not.
And I am really leaning to the side of him being a fake S.O.B.
I'm pretty sure he lied to me the whole time and did blow smoke up my ass.
The point was I could have gone back to it, but I didn't.
Because even though he wasn't who I thought he was,
I'm still not who I thought I was, either.
I'm not who anyone thinks I am. But they'd have to really know me to know that.
And I'm not talking about knowing me from back then.
I'm talking about who I am now, today.
Who I had to fight for, who I keep fighting for.
Who nobody would fight for and nobody will fight for, but me.
I took a long time to even find the strength to do it. For myself.
If I hadn't, I'd have gone back to it. It was all I had left.
But now, I have so much more than I ever thought that I could.
Because I gave it up. For something better to take its place.
If I hadn't, I'd have nothing. Because I ruined everything I ever had.
Yes, maybe my biggest disappointment was myself.
And others expected so much more of me than I could have been.
I wasn't ready to be anything other than what I was.
I didn't think I could be anything other than I was, but I was wrong.
So I recognize that in others when they can't even see it in themselves.
Because that was me, where I was, how I was, who I was.
Otherwise, I couldn't see that. It took me a long time to see it in myself.
Even when people were trying to show me through their disgust and distrust.
Theirs couldn't match mine. Unparalleled.
It's possible to get over that and get past that and to leave the past in the past.
But there are times we revisit the past for reasons.
Even if it is to help someone.
BUT I cannot help anyone who doesn't want it.
I couldn't help myself because I didn't want it. I wasn't ready.
And I didn't have what it took.
Nobody pulled me out of it kicking and screaming.
I woke up one day and told myself that it was the last day of my old life.
And the first day of my new life. It was.
If you have someone in your life who wants to help you, let them.
Get out of your own f*cking way, lay down your ego, your pride, and let them.
Let them help you to help yourself.
Otherwise, it is a long road to being able to do it all on your own.
Not impossible. I have. I still am. I will keep going.
are still the way we remembered them.
Most of the time they are not. They really aren't.
Times change, people change.
Sometimes we want better for the people we care about.
We want them to want better for themselves.
Why? Because life is too fucking short for bullsh*t.
There's so much more to life than what we think we 'need.'
I was hell f*cking bent on destroying my life. I didn't care anymore.
I was done caring. Who did I have who actually cared about me?
Other than the only one who ever did, my Grandmother?
What do I have now? A bunch of people who enjoy blowing smoke up my ass.
And I have the work I have been doing. So I can have a better life.
While I'm still f*cking alive. I could die in my sleep for all I know.
I could go to bed tonight and not wake the f*ck up.
I could have a blood clot in my brain. Would explain why my head is f*cked up.
Maybe it's not epilepsy. Maybe it's a f*cking blood clot.
And I might be on the brink of a brain aneurysm.
I don't really have any way to know. Because my doctor is a SH*TTY doctor.
My point is that we get ONE life.
I have a chance to give myself a chance. I'm doing my best to take it.
While I still have it. Otherwise I'll have wasted my life.
Not entirely a complete waste, but there's so much more to life than this.
I spent years and years where I wasn't happy.
Because I wasn't progressing. I was stagnating.
I was stewing in my own self-loathing. I wanted to f*cking die
because I would have rathered that than keep living the way I was living.
And I tried to kill myself 6 times.
I only didn't succeed because deep down inside, I didn't actually want to die.
I wanted who I was to die. I hated myself because I hated who I was.
I'm not that person anymore. That person has died.
Except most people think she's still alive, still who I am. I'm not.
I'm soooo f*cking not that person anymore.
But can people see who I am now? Can they really see me?
Just because I want them to, doesn't mean that they can. Most can't.
Sometimes we find people from our past because they need us.
Or they will drown themselves. They'll kill themselves.
If we don't give them a chance to give themselves a chance.
I've been there. Nobody gave me a chance to give myself a chance.
I had to be the one to give myself a chance.
Yes, I wanted someone who wouldn't give up on me.
Who didn't want me to give up on myself. But I was the only one I had.
And most of the time, I feel like I'll always be the only one I have.
Because nobody sees me for me, anyway. So why would they stick around?
And, really, why should they give ONE f*ck about me?
I have to be the one who gives a f*ck about myself. Or nobody will.
Yes, I wanted things to be different all along. But not just for myself.
For people I've cared about, who I still care about.
I want them to care about themselves.
So they don't end up drinking themselves to death. I watched people do that.
I was close to doing that to myself.
Maybe the reason I didn't was to save someone from doing it to themselves.
It would crush me if I couldn't.
The thing is, back then, even if I had someone who wanted better for me.
I probably would have pushed them away.
Thinking that they were just another person
who wanted to blow smoke up my ass.
Who just told me what they thought I wanted to hear and didn't mean it.
Who told me I meant the world to them when I really didn't.
Maybe I didn't quit drinking for the right reasons.
"The right and wrong answers should come from your heart."
Not because I wanted a chance for something real with Z** D****.
Who I can't even tell if he was being real with me or not.
And I am really leaning to the side of him being a fake S.O.B.
I'm pretty sure he lied to me the whole time and did blow smoke up my ass.
The point was I could have gone back to it, but I didn't.
Because even though he wasn't who I thought he was,
I'm still not who I thought I was, either.
I'm not who anyone thinks I am. But they'd have to really know me to know that.
And I'm not talking about knowing me from back then.
I'm talking about who I am now, today.
Who I had to fight for, who I keep fighting for.
Who nobody would fight for and nobody will fight for, but me.
I took a long time to even find the strength to do it. For myself.
If I hadn't, I'd have gone back to it. It was all I had left.
But now, I have so much more than I ever thought that I could.
Because I gave it up. For something better to take its place.
If I hadn't, I'd have nothing. Because I ruined everything I ever had.
Yes, maybe my biggest disappointment was myself.
And others expected so much more of me than I could have been.
I wasn't ready to be anything other than what I was.
I didn't think I could be anything other than I was, but I was wrong.
So I recognize that in others when they can't even see it in themselves.
Because that was me, where I was, how I was, who I was.
Otherwise, I couldn't see that. It took me a long time to see it in myself.
Even when people were trying to show me through their disgust and distrust.
Theirs couldn't match mine. Unparalleled.
It's possible to get over that and get past that and to leave the past in the past.
But there are times we revisit the past for reasons.
Even if it is to help someone.
BUT I cannot help anyone who doesn't want it.
I couldn't help myself because I didn't want it. I wasn't ready.
And I didn't have what it took.
Nobody pulled me out of it kicking and screaming.
I woke up one day and told myself that it was the last day of my old life.
And the first day of my new life. It was.
If you have someone in your life who wants to help you, let them.
Get out of your own f*cking way, lay down your ego, your pride, and let them.
Let them help you to help yourself.
Otherwise, it is a long road to being able to do it all on your own.
Not impossible. I have. I still am. I will keep going.
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