The Chances I've Had

I appreciate the special events I've had in my life.
Last summer was special to me.
I spent two weeks away from this city.
It was great. Got to see a lot and go places
that I probably wouldn't have gotten to see or go.
I appreciate that that was given to me. Always will.

If anyone, years ago, would have told me
that I would get to take a plane for the first time in my life
I'd have a hard time believing it.
Actually, I probably wouldn't have.

Other things, too. That are still very special to me.
Like the one and only time I ever left the country.
How someone I loved made the arrangements for us to take a trip together.

Taking my son to Niagara Falls. Even though we didn't get to do
everything we wanted to do
and even though he was cranky most of the time.
Even though I was going through some things at that time.
I still got to introduce him to his oldest living relative.
Which is pretty special.

So it's not like my life has been all bad.
Just feels like these kinds of things are few and far between.
But maybe we'd appreciate them less
if something wonderful was always happening.

We don't actually need something wonderful to happen
to feel wonderful, it's just easier to feel wonderful
when something wonderful happens.
Like getting to take a break, a special trip,
being with someone you really care about,
having something you've wanted for a long time, etc.

I want to have hope for the future
that I will have special moments and experiences again.
That I'll have times to really enjoy.
And feel really good.

That I can learn to feel good despite anything that happens.
Even if the opposite happens to what I want.
Like when I'm interested in someone who isn't interested in me.
Who then chooses to be with someone instead of me.
When the person I call doesn't answer the phone for the 400th time,
when I don't win at bingo, again,
when things totally don't go the way I want them to go,
when people walk out of my life,
when I'm alone, again,
when someone else I know is getting married,
when someone I know is going to have a baby,
when people barely acknowledge my existance,
when people forget about me,
when I'm the 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th, 11th wheel

Even when I start thinking those doubtful thoughts,
that probably stop things from happening.

There's always visualization.
Tonight, I visualized being reunited with someone
who I knew when I was a kid.
He lived nextdoor to me and I often think of him.
We used to climb trees together and that kind of thing.
My first sleepover was at his house.
He taught me how to do the 'gremlin voice.'
I taught my brother how to do it years later.

I remember that we were in a cedar tree when he taught me.
He said to tighten my vocal chords like I was about to cough,
then speak and he was so happy that he taught me
and that we both could do it
and that I was happy that I could do it, too.

I still remember the fight that lead to him moving away.
It was between his mom and a lady that lived in our square.
His father had an affair with her. There was a big fight.

Then they had to move and I missed him every day.
I still miss him.

Anyway, I visualized being reunited with him.

I also visualized meeting new people.

There's a Spring Fling thing tomorrow,
but not sure if I'm going to go. It's a potluck and I have nothing to bring.
Also, I'm afraid I'm going to sleep in and miss it.
Also, not sure if I will go anyway.
Been debating it all night.

I was debating going for a jog earlier.
I decided that if I was going to go, I'll leave at 9pm.
So 8pm rolled around and I had an hour to decide if I was going to go or not.
I decided to go, despite not really feeling up for it.
I'm glad that I went. I feel better for having gone.
I might feel better for going to the Spring Fling.
Although I probably won't know many if any there.
It's for the volunteers of the Wildlife Garden.
I'm probably going to go back there and volunteer again this year.

This week I have an interview to start volunteering at a shelter.
I won't say which one.
It's a place I used to go to a lot when I was younger
and I was on the streets.
The people who were helping me out, took me there.
There were other shelters I went to and one I stayed at.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter.
I'd like to volunteer there. I can think of a few other places, also.

Anyway, the shelter has a hospice.
I won't be volunteering there right away,
but maybe eventually.
I'd like to be doing something related to the services,
like helping someone get off the street.
That would be pretty fulfilling to me.

The other places I'd like to volunteer at is a food bank
and another is center for seniors.
I'm going to see how things go.
I don't want to put too much on my plate at once.
I have things I want to focus on, too, like studying,
my health, fixing things that are broken,
my hobbies, and maybe get back into guitar.
Maybe get back into carving again.
I just need to get some chissels. I have some files somewhere.
It's been so long since I picked up my guitar
(I did the other night) I still remember the things that I had learned.
It's been a long time since I carved.
Also, I haven't drawn anything for a long time.
Not that I think I'm good at any of those things.
Just things that I could try to pick up again.

I also want to go back to my spot in the woods. Soon.
It's starting to warm up. About time.

Anyway, it's all a lot to think about.
There are lots of opportunities.
And every opportunity can lead to other opportunities.