"The happiness of this life depends less on what befalls you,
than the way in which you take it."
- Elbert Hubbard.
I know I've taken things in a totally opposite way
than they were meant.
Like that point that was made to me, about interpretation
coming from the interpreter.
Some pretty sh*tty things have happened to me in my life.
I have to reinterpret all that stuff.
Because I let it affect me psychologically
and my psychology has been affecting me emotionally.
It's not like I know how to balance the two.
Or was born knowing. We're not.
One of my biggest challenges when it comes to that
is seeing myself as being worth being treated better than that.
Actually being appreciated, valued,
and shown that I am worth that.
I don't have to feel unworthy because others have treated me
like I wasn't worth it.
Not everyone has, but there are a lot who have.
It's the way I have taken it, internalized their sh*tty behavior towards me.
I am the one who let it hurt me.
The pain from that contributes to my feelings about it
and about myself as a result.
One thing I keep forgetting is that other people's choices
and their actions or inactions have to do with them
and not so much with me.
So when they try to blame me for 'making' them mad
or 'making' them feel bad or whatever,
that is them taking it in a way that makes them mad
or taking it in a way that makes them feel bad.
A lot of people don't understand that they are solely responsible
for their own emotions.
And they'd rather blame everyone else for 'making' them feel
how they don't want to feel.
I've done this, too. Many times. It is a hard habit to break. It really is.
I've grown up being made responsible for how others felt
and punished for making them feel whatever they felt.
I don't have to accept that.
I didn't know I had the choice to accept it or not
so I just accepted it, but it really damaged me.
I always sought to be valued from people who do not value me.
Not one bit.
But how can people who don't value themselves ever value me?
How can I still value people when I hardly value myself?
Just because I can't show them doesn't mean that I don't value them.
Or maybe they value me to some degree but can't show me, either.
So I asked a question:
"How do I release the pain?"
The answer I got is: "Transform it into strength."
I tried asking how, but I haven't received the answer, yet.
I decided to do a bit of research and found a few things.
One article I read says to:
Experience your emotions fully,
Challenge your perspective,
Surround yourself with positive influences,
Stay (or become) active to avoid negative coping mechanisms
Accept and forgive
Only one of these doesn't seem that difficult to me.
I really avoid experiencing my emotions,
because I tend to try to avoid the pain.
It hurts, it's unpleasant, it's uncomfortable.
It brings up thoughts I'd rather not think about.
Who wants to be in pain? Apart from masochists?
Pain just means more suffering and there's been enough suffering.
More than enough pain, sorrow, grief, and suffering.
In other words, I resist the pain by repressing it.
It always comes back to the surface and often stronger than it was.
Challenging my perspective is challenging but not impossible.
I've been okay with doing this sometimes.
Haven't mastered it and often fail to remind myself to do it
or at least try to do it. It does work when I can actually do it.
Let's face it, I don't have many people in my life.
When I'm going through emotional stuff, there are even less.
Nobody wants to deal with that stuff.
Not when it's theirs and definitely not when it's mine.
Staying or becoming active can be hard at first.
Well definitely to get started.
When we are used to a certain routine of doing sedetary things.
When we don't 'feel like' doing anything active.
Like exercise being one of those things.
Even if it's just going for a long walk.
It's harder when you have issues motivating yourself.
Accept and forgive....
I have a hard time accepting things
because I'm still in the mode of:
"Things should be like that, things shouldn't be like this."
I have a pretty good idea what I would like my life to look like.
I have a hard time accepting that the things I have wanted for so long
haven't happened, yet.
Also have a hard time accepting that certain things seem to come easier
for others than it does for me.
How 'she' gets this and I don't.
And I end up feeling like I somehow don't deserve it
otherwise I'd have that, too.
But just because people have certain things doesn't mean they deserve them.
Like cheating wives for an example.
They find someone who is willing to and wants to marry them.
And they take them for granted and end up cheating on them.
How is that even fair?
That some girls never get married? Who'd probably deserve it more.
But it's not up to me to decide who deserves what.
The only things I get to decide if they are fair or not
are the things that I do and don't do, say and don't say,
think and don't think etc.
I can choose to be fair. Even to myself.
And I haven't been fair to myself.
Someone told me recently, "Don't do that to yourself."
We were talking about worry and paranoia.
Basically she was saying how I don't have to worry
and not to get paranoid about what some else is doing.
That's just one example of "don't do that to yourself."
Another is putting myself through pain by thinking about things
that I ultimately have no control over
and making it seem like I'm the reason I have no control over them.
She also said, "You can't control everything."
She's right, I can't.
It's easy to want to, hard to accept that I can't.
If it was up to me, I'd already be where I want to be
and have everything I've always wanted.
And the things that I want aren't material like a car or whatever.
It's mostly emotional and psychological stuff that I want.
I could care less about owning a car.
I'd rather have meaning in my life, purpose,
experience the emotions I want to experience,
fulfillment in those ways.
I don't need to be rich or have 'things.'
That's never been important to me.
Sure, it'd be nice to at least be financially stable,
pay off my debts and live comfortably,
but anything beyond that is hardly necessary.
I just want to be happy and feel valuable.
And I'm pretty sure if I start feeling valuable, I'd be happier.
Not that all of my happiness depends on what value I have,
but I think at least some has something to do with
feeling 'good enough' at least.
than the way in which you take it."
- Elbert Hubbard.
I know I've taken things in a totally opposite way
than they were meant.
Like that point that was made to me, about interpretation
coming from the interpreter.
Some pretty sh*tty things have happened to me in my life.
I have to reinterpret all that stuff.
Because I let it affect me psychologically
and my psychology has been affecting me emotionally.
It's not like I know how to balance the two.
Or was born knowing. We're not.
One of my biggest challenges when it comes to that
is seeing myself as being worth being treated better than that.
Actually being appreciated, valued,
and shown that I am worth that.
I don't have to feel unworthy because others have treated me
like I wasn't worth it.
Not everyone has, but there are a lot who have.
It's the way I have taken it, internalized their sh*tty behavior towards me.
I am the one who let it hurt me.
The pain from that contributes to my feelings about it
and about myself as a result.
One thing I keep forgetting is that other people's choices
and their actions or inactions have to do with them
and not so much with me.
So when they try to blame me for 'making' them mad
or 'making' them feel bad or whatever,
that is them taking it in a way that makes them mad
or taking it in a way that makes them feel bad.
A lot of people don't understand that they are solely responsible
for their own emotions.
And they'd rather blame everyone else for 'making' them feel
how they don't want to feel.
I've done this, too. Many times. It is a hard habit to break. It really is.
I've grown up being made responsible for how others felt
and punished for making them feel whatever they felt.
I don't have to accept that.
I didn't know I had the choice to accept it or not
so I just accepted it, but it really damaged me.
I always sought to be valued from people who do not value me.
Not one bit.
But how can people who don't value themselves ever value me?
How can I still value people when I hardly value myself?
Just because I can't show them doesn't mean that I don't value them.
Or maybe they value me to some degree but can't show me, either.
So I asked a question:
"How do I release the pain?"
The answer I got is: "Transform it into strength."
I tried asking how, but I haven't received the answer, yet.
I decided to do a bit of research and found a few things.
One article I read says to:
Experience your emotions fully,
Challenge your perspective,
Surround yourself with positive influences,
Stay (or become) active to avoid negative coping mechanisms
Accept and forgive
Only one of these doesn't seem that difficult to me.
I really avoid experiencing my emotions,
because I tend to try to avoid the pain.
It hurts, it's unpleasant, it's uncomfortable.
It brings up thoughts I'd rather not think about.
Who wants to be in pain? Apart from masochists?
Pain just means more suffering and there's been enough suffering.
More than enough pain, sorrow, grief, and suffering.
In other words, I resist the pain by repressing it.
It always comes back to the surface and often stronger than it was.
Challenging my perspective is challenging but not impossible.
I've been okay with doing this sometimes.
Haven't mastered it and often fail to remind myself to do it
or at least try to do it. It does work when I can actually do it.
Let's face it, I don't have many people in my life.
When I'm going through emotional stuff, there are even less.
Nobody wants to deal with that stuff.
Not when it's theirs and definitely not when it's mine.
Staying or becoming active can be hard at first.
Well definitely to get started.
When we are used to a certain routine of doing sedetary things.
When we don't 'feel like' doing anything active.
Like exercise being one of those things.
Even if it's just going for a long walk.
It's harder when you have issues motivating yourself.
Accept and forgive....
I have a hard time accepting things
because I'm still in the mode of:
"Things should be like that, things shouldn't be like this."
I have a pretty good idea what I would like my life to look like.
I have a hard time accepting that the things I have wanted for so long
haven't happened, yet.
Also have a hard time accepting that certain things seem to come easier
for others than it does for me.
How 'she' gets this and I don't.
And I end up feeling like I somehow don't deserve it
otherwise I'd have that, too.
But just because people have certain things doesn't mean they deserve them.
Like cheating wives for an example.
They find someone who is willing to and wants to marry them.
And they take them for granted and end up cheating on them.
How is that even fair?
That some girls never get married? Who'd probably deserve it more.
But it's not up to me to decide who deserves what.
The only things I get to decide if they are fair or not
are the things that I do and don't do, say and don't say,
think and don't think etc.
I can choose to be fair. Even to myself.
And I haven't been fair to myself.
Someone told me recently, "Don't do that to yourself."
We were talking about worry and paranoia.
Basically she was saying how I don't have to worry
and not to get paranoid about what some else is doing.
That's just one example of "don't do that to yourself."
Another is putting myself through pain by thinking about things
that I ultimately have no control over
and making it seem like I'm the reason I have no control over them.
She also said, "You can't control everything."
She's right, I can't.
It's easy to want to, hard to accept that I can't.
If it was up to me, I'd already be where I want to be
and have everything I've always wanted.
And the things that I want aren't material like a car or whatever.
It's mostly emotional and psychological stuff that I want.
I could care less about owning a car.
I'd rather have meaning in my life, purpose,
experience the emotions I want to experience,
fulfillment in those ways.
I don't need to be rich or have 'things.'
That's never been important to me.
Sure, it'd be nice to at least be financially stable,
pay off my debts and live comfortably,
but anything beyond that is hardly necessary.
I just want to be happy and feel valuable.
And I'm pretty sure if I start feeling valuable, I'd be happier.
Not that all of my happiness depends on what value I have,
but I think at least some has something to do with
feeling 'good enough' at least.
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