When I was a little girl, from the time I was a baby,
I went with my family to Church.
My Grandfather would come pick us up every Sunday,
and we went together to a Church he grew up going to.
He was involved in the Church. I don't know what his 'title' was
but he had this thing he always did, a little speech thing
right at the end of every service.
I forget how it went. I wish I could remember.
He passed away when I was 14 and that was around the time
that I stopped going to Church. I went for my Grandparents, mostly.
When I wasn't living with my family anymore, there didn't seem like
much point in going to Church. It was something I did with them.
My Grandmother used to sing in the choir. I went with her a few times.
I sang some of the songs. They are the only ones I can play on the piano.
Maybe I'll make a video of me playing some and post it on here. One day.
My family doesn't have many traditions. Most of them were Church related.
Like baptisms and weddings, and candle light Christmas Eve Services.
I stopped feeling like I belonged there a long time ago.
When my Grandfather died, a part of me died, too.
When my Grandmother died, an even bigger part of me died.
I miss them so much.
Anyway, my mother was never really religious. I guess she had times
she was more into religion, than not, but she's not now.
She's a sinner like the rest of us.
I don't know when exactly I stopped wanting to go to Church,
probably after my father died.
I was going through a hard time. I always knew people judged my family.
I knew because I always felt it. It seemed like everyone knew our business.
Even though it was none of their business. They talked. I knew.
It made me feel really uncomfortable. So I didn't want to be around them.
Church was more about gossip than it was about worship.
I didn't want to be a part of that. It's not me.
So as per tradition, I had my son baptised at the Church.
I think that was the last time I was ever there.
I didn't take my son on Sundays.
When he was curious about Church, he asked me if we could go.
So I said yes. Instead of going to the old family Church, we went to
the Church my best friend goes to. With his mother and brother.
After a few times my son didn't want to go anymore.
He was questioning the validity of the bible and things like that.
Which is something that most people do.
I guess what has me thinking about Church and about faith
is that when I was in the hospital, I was reading an old
National Geographic magazine and there was an article about
The Shroud of Turin. Which is said to have a depiction of Jesus on the cloth
that he was said to be wrapped in after his crucifixion.
The details in this cloth are amazing.
Just the fact that it has been preserved over 2,000 years is amazing.
The article was talking about all these tests they have done
and they found blood on the cloth.
It just makes me wonder why this magazine just happened to be
at the hospital in the waiting room. And not some other magazine.
This was an old magazine. The pictures in it were from 1980.
(Not saying at anyone born in 1980 is old).
Just uncommon to find magazines from 1980 anywhere,
let alone in the waiting room at the hospital.
Faith is a word that keeps coming up around me lately.
I know I have had little faith in much of anything lately.
Maybe that is the reason I keep coming across that word.
I've had little faith in myself. For a very long time.
I've felt that other people have had little faith in me.
I've had very little faith in things working out, in general.
Because of how my plans don't seem to ever work out.
But of course they weren't meant to. It's not up to me to 'plan'
how things are 'supposed' to be. That isn't and never was up to me.
I'm not religious. Maybe people who are not religious have less faith
than those who are religious.
Maybe people are religious because they need something to have faith in.
I'm not saying that is why they are religious. I don't know why they are.
I don't know why some people are and some people aren't.
I don't know what makes me feel uncomfortable at Church
or around religious leaders.
Someone was saying:
"If the word God makes you feel uncomfortable ask yourself: Why?"
I don't know why.
Maybe somehow I convinced myself that it is a possibility
that God might not exist.
And that it is strange believing in something I cannot see.
Being lied to by people all my life makes me less of a believer
in anything. Let alone things I have no proof of.
Why was I meant to see this Shroud of Turin?
It was the only magazine in that room. So I was meant to see it.
I went with my family to Church.
My Grandfather would come pick us up every Sunday,
and we went together to a Church he grew up going to.
He was involved in the Church. I don't know what his 'title' was
but he had this thing he always did, a little speech thing
right at the end of every service.
I forget how it went. I wish I could remember.
He passed away when I was 14 and that was around the time
that I stopped going to Church. I went for my Grandparents, mostly.
When I wasn't living with my family anymore, there didn't seem like
much point in going to Church. It was something I did with them.
My Grandmother used to sing in the choir. I went with her a few times.
I sang some of the songs. They are the only ones I can play on the piano.
Maybe I'll make a video of me playing some and post it on here. One day.
My family doesn't have many traditions. Most of them were Church related.
Like baptisms and weddings, and candle light Christmas Eve Services.
I stopped feeling like I belonged there a long time ago.
When my Grandfather died, a part of me died, too.
When my Grandmother died, an even bigger part of me died.
I miss them so much.
Anyway, my mother was never really religious. I guess she had times
she was more into religion, than not, but she's not now.
She's a sinner like the rest of us.
I don't know when exactly I stopped wanting to go to Church,
probably after my father died.
I was going through a hard time. I always knew people judged my family.
I knew because I always felt it. It seemed like everyone knew our business.
Even though it was none of their business. They talked. I knew.
It made me feel really uncomfortable. So I didn't want to be around them.
Church was more about gossip than it was about worship.
I didn't want to be a part of that. It's not me.
So as per tradition, I had my son baptised at the Church.
I think that was the last time I was ever there.
I didn't take my son on Sundays.
When he was curious about Church, he asked me if we could go.
So I said yes. Instead of going to the old family Church, we went to
the Church my best friend goes to. With his mother and brother.
After a few times my son didn't want to go anymore.
He was questioning the validity of the bible and things like that.
Which is something that most people do.
I guess what has me thinking about Church and about faith
is that when I was in the hospital, I was reading an old
National Geographic magazine and there was an article about
The Shroud of Turin. Which is said to have a depiction of Jesus on the cloth
that he was said to be wrapped in after his crucifixion.
The details in this cloth are amazing.
Just the fact that it has been preserved over 2,000 years is amazing.
The article was talking about all these tests they have done
and they found blood on the cloth.
It just makes me wonder why this magazine just happened to be
at the hospital in the waiting room. And not some other magazine.
This was an old magazine. The pictures in it were from 1980.
(Not saying at anyone born in 1980 is old).
Just uncommon to find magazines from 1980 anywhere,
let alone in the waiting room at the hospital.
Faith is a word that keeps coming up around me lately.
I know I have had little faith in much of anything lately.
Maybe that is the reason I keep coming across that word.
I've had little faith in myself. For a very long time.
I've felt that other people have had little faith in me.
I've had very little faith in things working out, in general.
Because of how my plans don't seem to ever work out.
But of course they weren't meant to. It's not up to me to 'plan'
how things are 'supposed' to be. That isn't and never was up to me.
I'm not religious. Maybe people who are not religious have less faith
than those who are religious.
Maybe people are religious because they need something to have faith in.
I'm not saying that is why they are religious. I don't know why they are.
I don't know why some people are and some people aren't.
I don't know what makes me feel uncomfortable at Church
or around religious leaders.
Someone was saying:
"If the word God makes you feel uncomfortable ask yourself: Why?"
I don't know why.
Maybe somehow I convinced myself that it is a possibility
that God might not exist.
And that it is strange believing in something I cannot see.
Being lied to by people all my life makes me less of a believer
in anything. Let alone things I have no proof of.
Why was I meant to see this Shroud of Turin?
It was the only magazine in that room. So I was meant to see it.
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