I am still trying not to think too much about the last couple of days. I'm glad that is over. It's uncomfortable being around family who exclude you. No matter what you do. So they shouldn't be surprised that I didn't want to go to my Aunt's house afterwards to 'hang out'. More like 'hang around while they all hang out.' Not for me. Bad enough the way things went down yesterday.
I am trying to dismiss the judgements. That is a hard thing to do. I know they all judge me. They always have and always will. It's not my job to judge them for judging me. Not my job to judge them at all. It only makes me angry when I think about how they treated my Grandmother and how they can't stand me because of how I treated her. At least I can say that I was there for her. I was. I'd do it ALL over again, but the next time around, I'd do it better. Even though I know there won't be a next time. We only get one shot. That's it. That's all.
Although I know that there are people out there who do not believe in ghosts, I do. It is comforting to think that she is with me. But, I'm pretty sure she's with my Grandfather. Her mother and father, her brothers and sisters...
I gave my relatives a hug, but I'm pretty sure they didn't want to hug me. Seeing as how they spent most of their time sitting in another room, together, chatting amongst themselves. The people I knew from my childhood were there and I took it upon myself to call and let them know where the funeral was to be held. I called friends of my Great-grandfather and close neighbours who lived across the street from us when I lived with my Grandparents. They lived there before I was born. I thought it was important to let them know. My son was the only Great-grandchild to go to her funeral. None of my cousins brought their kids. One of my cousins didn't even come to Ottawa for her funeral.
Anyway, I shouldn't be judging anyone. It's just hard not to when you see things that are just not right with the picture. We weren't born judgemental. It happens over time when we are taught by family, society... It'd be nice if we were taught from birth to be non-judgemental. Acceptance. I hate how when things do not go the way someone wanted them to go, that instead of accepting it, they pitch a fit. I hate that. I guess I have done it in the past. But, I'm getting better at just saying "So what? Does everything have to be perfect? Does everyone have to be perfect? No! Let's move on!"
Imagine if everything always worked out exactly the way everyone wanted it to? If that were so, the one time or the few times it didn't would be blown out of proportion. If people are used to getting their way, the minute they don't, they would just explode.
I realize that I'm not perfect, I'd be more accepting if I were perfect.
I guess the reason I'm being judgemental is because of the way people still treat me.
My Great-Aunt said that it's because they are all jealous of me. The only reason I can see for them to be jealous of me is because according to my brother I was my Grandmother's 'favourite'. The truth is that she didn't have any favourites. She recognized the people in her life who were there for her. So they should realize that they could have been closer to her, if they had wanted to be and tried to be. Instead of being selfish to the extreme. And that is me judging again... *Sigh* Can I stop for just one day? Nobody is anything. If they are, it's a judgement.
Anyway, I should probably go find something to do before I start making any more judgements.
I am trying to dismiss the judgements. That is a hard thing to do. I know they all judge me. They always have and always will. It's not my job to judge them for judging me. Not my job to judge them at all. It only makes me angry when I think about how they treated my Grandmother and how they can't stand me because of how I treated her. At least I can say that I was there for her. I was. I'd do it ALL over again, but the next time around, I'd do it better. Even though I know there won't be a next time. We only get one shot. That's it. That's all.
Although I know that there are people out there who do not believe in ghosts, I do. It is comforting to think that she is with me. But, I'm pretty sure she's with my Grandfather. Her mother and father, her brothers and sisters...
I gave my relatives a hug, but I'm pretty sure they didn't want to hug me. Seeing as how they spent most of their time sitting in another room, together, chatting amongst themselves. The people I knew from my childhood were there and I took it upon myself to call and let them know where the funeral was to be held. I called friends of my Great-grandfather and close neighbours who lived across the street from us when I lived with my Grandparents. They lived there before I was born. I thought it was important to let them know. My son was the only Great-grandchild to go to her funeral. None of my cousins brought their kids. One of my cousins didn't even come to Ottawa for her funeral.
Anyway, I shouldn't be judging anyone. It's just hard not to when you see things that are just not right with the picture. We weren't born judgemental. It happens over time when we are taught by family, society... It'd be nice if we were taught from birth to be non-judgemental. Acceptance. I hate how when things do not go the way someone wanted them to go, that instead of accepting it, they pitch a fit. I hate that. I guess I have done it in the past. But, I'm getting better at just saying "So what? Does everything have to be perfect? Does everyone have to be perfect? No! Let's move on!"
Imagine if everything always worked out exactly the way everyone wanted it to? If that were so, the one time or the few times it didn't would be blown out of proportion. If people are used to getting their way, the minute they don't, they would just explode.
I realize that I'm not perfect, I'd be more accepting if I were perfect.
I guess the reason I'm being judgemental is because of the way people still treat me.
My Great-Aunt said that it's because they are all jealous of me. The only reason I can see for them to be jealous of me is because according to my brother I was my Grandmother's 'favourite'. The truth is that she didn't have any favourites. She recognized the people in her life who were there for her. So they should realize that they could have been closer to her, if they had wanted to be and tried to be. Instead of being selfish to the extreme. And that is me judging again... *Sigh* Can I stop for just one day? Nobody is anything. If they are, it's a judgement.
Anyway, I should probably go find something to do before I start making any more judgements.
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