Yesterday was another optimistic day for me. Well, started off that way... Somehow I got to talking about something with someone that changed that. I was trying to explain to him how people treat me badly when they assume things about me. He wanted me to give him examples. Kept pushing me to be specific about it. It's not like I want to purposely remember crap like that. To go back in time to the worst times of my life, just because someone who doesn't understand can have every excruciating detail. Still wouldn't understand if I did lay it all out there for his amusement. I feel like I'm being played with, constantly. Like I'm just something to laugh at. It makes me angry.
So I told him I'm going to take a break. He said that it's my choice, but to think about what I'm giving up? What exactly am I giving up? I'm just text to him. He's said it a thousand times. So what am I supposed to think that I'm giving up? Someone who doesn't understand me? Someone who keeps pushing me and just thinks I'm going to comply just because he wants and expects me to? Is that what I'm giving up?
All my relationships and friendships are just too complicated. People don't understand me, at all. If they did, things would be so much easier. So much better. I don't expect anyone to understand me, to want to even try to understand me. Or accept me. Or even just let me be who I am without expecting way too much from me when apparently I can't expect anything at all. It just seems that people want to use me. It's making me angry. It's making it difficult to trust anyone and difficult to open up. People get mad at me for not being open, not being specific enough for their liking, not being anything to their liking. Sorry, I'm not going to be who people want me to be just so things can be easier for them and harder for me. They still expect me to be, though. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Like they only stick around if I do what they want me to, say what they want to hear, etc. I'm not going to. Not anymore.
What I am going to do is continue to be wary and keep people at a safe distance. People like to use anything about me to their own advantage. Like secrets come out to bite me in the ass later. So why give them anything to talk about? Why give them anything to hurt me with? They can try all they want, they can and will anyway, but it's up to me. It's my choice to let it affect me. And my choice as to what degree it affects me. Also, my choice to stay away from people who keep asking me to do things for them, who never pull through for me. Family included. It's exhausting trying to make people happy. Especially when they are never going to BE happy, no matter what lengths I go to, trying. Would they try as hard as I do? No. Do they even see how hard I do try? No. Does what I do even matter to them? No. Do I even matter to them? No. It only matters what I do when they want something from me. I only matter when they want something from me. Of course they wouldn't see how hard I do try and wouldn't try as hard for me. When I need anything, I don't ask for it. I can't even ask for understanding let alone anything else. I can't even ask for respect. So what makes me think that I can ask for anything else? So I don't.
From now on, I'm only going to do the things to make ME happy. Because I KNOW how hard I try. I appreciate my efforts. I see my strengths. I am the only one who understands. I'm the only one I have to explain myself to. THEY don't matter to me. They can go find someone ELSE to comply. Someone else.
I have a LOT of work to do and I am going to take my time doing it. So when someone asks me to hang out just because they are bored and can't find anyone else, I'll be busy. If someone wants me to do something for them, I'm going to say NO. I'm going to leave. I'm not looking back. I'm no puppet. I don't treat anyone like that so there is NO reason for them to try it with me.
I'm smart enough to KNOW better, to WANT better, and to DESERVE better. So ask me again to think about what I'm giving up. Because if it's all the bullsh*t head games, I'll gladly give it ALL up and just walk away. I deserve REAL friends. Not just 'friends' who are only my 'friends' when they want something. Forget it. I've had enough of that crap. And guess what? I don't NEED it. What I need is to take a break from the rest of the world's problems and just deal with my own. I don't OWE anyone ANYTHING. Newsflash: The only one who owes me anything is myself. I'm the one who has always been there for myself, the only one who will ALWAYS be there for me.
So I told him I'm going to take a break. He said that it's my choice, but to think about what I'm giving up? What exactly am I giving up? I'm just text to him. He's said it a thousand times. So what am I supposed to think that I'm giving up? Someone who doesn't understand me? Someone who keeps pushing me and just thinks I'm going to comply just because he wants and expects me to? Is that what I'm giving up?
All my relationships and friendships are just too complicated. People don't understand me, at all. If they did, things would be so much easier. So much better. I don't expect anyone to understand me, to want to even try to understand me. Or accept me. Or even just let me be who I am without expecting way too much from me when apparently I can't expect anything at all. It just seems that people want to use me. It's making me angry. It's making it difficult to trust anyone and difficult to open up. People get mad at me for not being open, not being specific enough for their liking, not being anything to their liking. Sorry, I'm not going to be who people want me to be just so things can be easier for them and harder for me. They still expect me to be, though. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Like they only stick around if I do what they want me to, say what they want to hear, etc. I'm not going to. Not anymore.
What I am going to do is continue to be wary and keep people at a safe distance. People like to use anything about me to their own advantage. Like secrets come out to bite me in the ass later. So why give them anything to talk about? Why give them anything to hurt me with? They can try all they want, they can and will anyway, but it's up to me. It's my choice to let it affect me. And my choice as to what degree it affects me. Also, my choice to stay away from people who keep asking me to do things for them, who never pull through for me. Family included. It's exhausting trying to make people happy. Especially when they are never going to BE happy, no matter what lengths I go to, trying. Would they try as hard as I do? No. Do they even see how hard I do try? No. Does what I do even matter to them? No. Do I even matter to them? No. It only matters what I do when they want something from me. I only matter when they want something from me. Of course they wouldn't see how hard I do try and wouldn't try as hard for me. When I need anything, I don't ask for it. I can't even ask for understanding let alone anything else. I can't even ask for respect. So what makes me think that I can ask for anything else? So I don't.
From now on, I'm only going to do the things to make ME happy. Because I KNOW how hard I try. I appreciate my efforts. I see my strengths. I am the only one who understands. I'm the only one I have to explain myself to. THEY don't matter to me. They can go find someone ELSE to comply. Someone else.
I have a LOT of work to do and I am going to take my time doing it. So when someone asks me to hang out just because they are bored and can't find anyone else, I'll be busy. If someone wants me to do something for them, I'm going to say NO. I'm going to leave. I'm not looking back. I'm no puppet. I don't treat anyone like that so there is NO reason for them to try it with me.
I'm smart enough to KNOW better, to WANT better, and to DESERVE better. So ask me again to think about what I'm giving up. Because if it's all the bullsh*t head games, I'll gladly give it ALL up and just walk away. I deserve REAL friends. Not just 'friends' who are only my 'friends' when they want something. Forget it. I've had enough of that crap. And guess what? I don't NEED it. What I need is to take a break from the rest of the world's problems and just deal with my own. I don't OWE anyone ANYTHING. Newsflash: The only one who owes me anything is myself. I'm the one who has always been there for myself, the only one who will ALWAYS be there for me.
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