It's been a while since I wrote something. Been thinking a lot though. My mind is all over the place. As usual. Lots on my mind... That's why it's hard to pick one thing to write about when there's all kinds of things. It's been hard to limit my concentration these days. I have my head in the clouds sometimes and buried in the sand on other days. It's all part of it. I know I have to be levelheaded. It's just hard to get things balanced. It's always been one extreme or another. I imagine that is what being bi-polar is like, or at least manic-depressive. I do have my up days, and some are just...
When I am happy, I know that it's not going to last forever. Something always happens to snap me back into reality. Like two people stretching an elastic and one of those people lets go of their end. If I go too far on one end, it does that. Well, I also tend to think of it as a wheel of fortune. Not like the show. A wheel that we are on. Upturn = Fortunate, Downturn = Unfortunate. The wheel just keep turning until the day we die.
In tarot, there is such a card. The Wheel of Fortune. That's the first time I saw that concept. It makes sense. We all must be able to come out of any bad luck sometime. Also, for that card it has a saying: "There is no run of luck that does not run out." That goes for good luck as well as bad luck.
I heard this somewhere: "Our rewards are always in direct correlation with our contributions." The more we contribute, the more rewards we shall have.
Anyway, back to thinking... We have about 48 thoughts per minute and usually these thoughts are reoccurring thoughts. It comes out to be 70,000 thoughts per day. Every day. The brain uses about 3 litres of blood to think these thoughts. Every day. We are not even aware of most of our thoughts.
Do you want to know what I've been thinking about? I've been thinking about this thing that is going on in my life. It's a good thing, but not sure if I want to talk about it in case I jinx it or something.
I'm not sure what it actually is, yet. I know what I want it to be, but also know it is what it is.
I counselling today, the question came up: "What do you want?" I do have wants and desires, but I try not to. It seems that whenever I wanted anything, I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. I could never really count on many, if any, people in my life. There were only a few people who'd never let me down. But I was taught that nothing I thought really ever really mattered and that I shouldn't want anything. I guess I never really repaired the psychological damage from the past. Because of that, I have emotional problems. Basically, problems regulating my emotions.
It just seems that this is the cause of the thought patterns I've had for such a long time. I went to a seminar last week about grief. It was called: How I Survived The Loss of Love. I guess they were promoting grief counselling and a book called: How I Survived The Loss of Love. I figured I should go to it to get some thoughts going on that subject. Which has gotten me some leads with the notes I took.
So the presenters were grief counsellors. I didn't know there was a such thing as a grief counsellor, but I guess that makes sense. There's different types of counsellors. As there are different types of therapy and all that.
They talked about separation anxiety and different attachment styles. It was making sense. People think of grief as mourning someone who has died. It can be any kind of loss. A Breakup, quitting an addiction, discovering yourself, growing into a new person and grieving the person you used to be.
They explained loss orientation and restorative orientation and how we tend to go back and forth between the two. And there's a thing called S.U.Gs Sudden Upsurges of Grief. I have experienced it. But knowing that it is an actual thing helps. Like when I had that falling out with a friend a couple months ago... Every time I thought about him I had a S.U.G. Then those thoughts continued and I was depressed.
The only way to get out of depression is to change your thoughts and you can do that by doing things. Like how my counsellor told me that to let go you have to move on, but you can only move on if you let go.
That's definitely something I gotta work through, letting things go. Forgiveness. It seems I can forgive others much more easily than I can forgive myself. And even then, it's hard to forgive people sometimes. But it's not up to me to determine whether they deserve forgiveness, or to determine if I deserve it. It's just my job to forgive. If that makes sense. To judge whether someone is deserving of forgiveness is to judge that person. Or judge what that person has done. Which cannot be undone. What is done is already done. When you take the judgement away, that's true forgiveness. I'd like to say I'm non judgemental, but the truth is, I do judge. I do catch myself judging though. When I catch myself, I feel ashamed.
I was talking about disappointment today. How I don't tend to want anything for myself because whenever I did, I would be disappointed. So to avoid disappointment, I wouldn't want anything for myself. But disappointment is an emotional response to expectation. I know I've had a few times in my life where I've had expectations and was disappointed. Even when my hopes were dashed. Is hoping the same as expecting? I don't think it is. But still results in the same emotional response.
The thing with negative expectation (anxiety) is that there is relief sometimes. Because when you are anxious about something and it turns out better than you expected, you are relieved. So relief is the opposite of disappointment. Emotional responses.
I took a lot of notes from the seminar and want to talk about those in another post.
When I am happy, I know that it's not going to last forever. Something always happens to snap me back into reality. Like two people stretching an elastic and one of those people lets go of their end. If I go too far on one end, it does that. Well, I also tend to think of it as a wheel of fortune. Not like the show. A wheel that we are on. Upturn = Fortunate, Downturn = Unfortunate. The wheel just keep turning until the day we die.
In tarot, there is such a card. The Wheel of Fortune. That's the first time I saw that concept. It makes sense. We all must be able to come out of any bad luck sometime. Also, for that card it has a saying: "There is no run of luck that does not run out." That goes for good luck as well as bad luck.
I heard this somewhere: "Our rewards are always in direct correlation with our contributions." The more we contribute, the more rewards we shall have.
Anyway, back to thinking... We have about 48 thoughts per minute and usually these thoughts are reoccurring thoughts. It comes out to be 70,000 thoughts per day. Every day. The brain uses about 3 litres of blood to think these thoughts. Every day. We are not even aware of most of our thoughts.
Do you want to know what I've been thinking about? I've been thinking about this thing that is going on in my life. It's a good thing, but not sure if I want to talk about it in case I jinx it or something.
I'm not sure what it actually is, yet. I know what I want it to be, but also know it is what it is.
I counselling today, the question came up: "What do you want?" I do have wants and desires, but I try not to. It seems that whenever I wanted anything, I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. I could never really count on many, if any, people in my life. There were only a few people who'd never let me down. But I was taught that nothing I thought really ever really mattered and that I shouldn't want anything. I guess I never really repaired the psychological damage from the past. Because of that, I have emotional problems. Basically, problems regulating my emotions.
It just seems that this is the cause of the thought patterns I've had for such a long time. I went to a seminar last week about grief. It was called: How I Survived The Loss of Love. I guess they were promoting grief counselling and a book called: How I Survived The Loss of Love. I figured I should go to it to get some thoughts going on that subject. Which has gotten me some leads with the notes I took.
So the presenters were grief counsellors. I didn't know there was a such thing as a grief counsellor, but I guess that makes sense. There's different types of counsellors. As there are different types of therapy and all that.
They talked about separation anxiety and different attachment styles. It was making sense. People think of grief as mourning someone who has died. It can be any kind of loss. A Breakup, quitting an addiction, discovering yourself, growing into a new person and grieving the person you used to be.
They explained loss orientation and restorative orientation and how we tend to go back and forth between the two. And there's a thing called S.U.Gs Sudden Upsurges of Grief. I have experienced it. But knowing that it is an actual thing helps. Like when I had that falling out with a friend a couple months ago... Every time I thought about him I had a S.U.G. Then those thoughts continued and I was depressed.
The only way to get out of depression is to change your thoughts and you can do that by doing things. Like how my counsellor told me that to let go you have to move on, but you can only move on if you let go.
That's definitely something I gotta work through, letting things go. Forgiveness. It seems I can forgive others much more easily than I can forgive myself. And even then, it's hard to forgive people sometimes. But it's not up to me to determine whether they deserve forgiveness, or to determine if I deserve it. It's just my job to forgive. If that makes sense. To judge whether someone is deserving of forgiveness is to judge that person. Or judge what that person has done. Which cannot be undone. What is done is already done. When you take the judgement away, that's true forgiveness. I'd like to say I'm non judgemental, but the truth is, I do judge. I do catch myself judging though. When I catch myself, I feel ashamed.
I was talking about disappointment today. How I don't tend to want anything for myself because whenever I did, I would be disappointed. So to avoid disappointment, I wouldn't want anything for myself. But disappointment is an emotional response to expectation. I know I've had a few times in my life where I've had expectations and was disappointed. Even when my hopes were dashed. Is hoping the same as expecting? I don't think it is. But still results in the same emotional response.
The thing with negative expectation (anxiety) is that there is relief sometimes. Because when you are anxious about something and it turns out better than you expected, you are relieved. So relief is the opposite of disappointment. Emotional responses.
I took a lot of notes from the seminar and want to talk about those in another post.
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