It's been a while since I wrote anything here. Some stuff has been happening, but not a lot... Where do I start? I don't even know where to start...
Well, I know not everyone believes in astrology, but I do. I like to check my horoscope every now and then and I find that it does relate to the things I'm facing. Today, mine said:
"You've got a nagging feeling that you could have done more to make a success of a relationship. Maybe you're right but that was then, this is now. Stop looking back."
This does apply to me for a few reasons. I made a mess out of a potential relationship, and a few past ones. I've been thinking about that too much lately. Way too much. To the point it makes me miserable. And I really should stop torturing myself because that is what I'm doing. Torturing myself. Do the guys from my past think of me and wish they had done more? Probably not. So why am I still thinking about them? There's only one guy from my past I should think about. My son's father. Because he's still in my life. For good reason. I'm glad that we are amicable. That helps both of us be parents. Like we ought to be. So I'm glad for that.
Last night at work I told my co-worker about my recently past relationship. I know I started dating him for the wrong reasons. I think that deep down inside I had good intentions, but it didn't work because right from the very start things were going wrong. He recently admitted he started being insecure with me 2 weeks into the relationship. He has trust issues to begin with, which really didn't help. I tried to reassure him, but that didn't help either because he was so insecure that he thought I was lying.
The insecurities and jealousy just got so out of hand. Usually I'm the insecure one, but this time it was just... Crazy. Crazy is the only word I can think to use to describe how it got between us. I still held onto hope that things would get better, but instead they got worse. Much worse.
I ended up kissing my best friend when my boyfriend and I were fighting. But that's all we did. At that time I thought things were over between my ex boyfriend and I. They probably should have been because he was so 'sure' I was cheating on him, which I wasn't. Every time I denied it, he thought I was lying. I got so sick of being accused of cheating that I just started keeping things to myself, like keeping the fact that I was going out with my friends from him because he'd get jealous and want to know every single little detail. At that time, I had broken up with him, but we were sort of still seeing each other. Big mistake. I ended it because he'd written a letter to me and it was laced with insults and when he came to pick up his things from my place, my mother was here. (She was having a fight with my step-father) So my ex doesn't tell me about the letter. Didn't give it to me. Left it on the bathroom counter. My mother went to the bathroom and I was thinking she was taking a long time in there. I guess she was reading my letter before I even knew about it. Also, she didn't tell me about it because then I'd know that she read it.
So naturally, I was pretty angry. So I wasn't talking to the guy. He decided he was going to try to make me jealous by saying he had a new girlfriend, so I ended up meeting a guy. But I found out that the 'girlfriend' wasn't even real. So yeah... That's messed up. I never played the type of games he was playing with me.
Anyway, I don't know why we started seeing each other after that. I should have just walked away and never looked back. But I couldn't do that because I still cared about him. We were together for 7 months and that is a long time. Not the longest I've been with someone, but still pretty long to be considered a long term relationship.
So things go heated between us because he wanted me back and I said no. But I also came clean about kissing my best friend, which was a secret I was keeping for over a year at the point that I finally told him. So of course him already prone to jealous fits of insecurity was pretty pissed off. I was checking his wall on wireclub and saw him writing all kinds of stuff about me on that. I have since stopped looking at and reading it. No point. He kept sending me emails. EVEN after he had written to me to tell me never to call him, write to him or call his name if I ever saw him on the street.
Then he started a new relationship with some girl... Let her read all the emails we sent each other... One of the last emails he sent me he said he wanted to be friends with me because he misses me and was trying to apologize for his mistakes throughout our relationship. Said I'd like his new girlfriend and I should meet her... Why would I want to? Said she felt bad for me but he didn't understand why.... I feel bad for HER. Now she knows what she's getting herself into... If she was smart she would figure out that he's probably been the same way with his other past girlfriends that he's been with. The same way he's been with me. Things were okay at the beginning but... Then he became unglued. I still tried. Then near the end I realized things were just never going to change, get better, or be like they were at the start when things were good.
I came close to starting a relationship... Or whatever the heck it was starting to be... But things derailed and that train went back to the station. Not like I was really ready for anything after my last relationship for all the messed up reasons I just wrote about. I won't get into the reasons why that other 'thing' didn't work out but the reasons were not the same.
So... The title of this post is called Recovery. I'm in recovery now. I decided to quit drinking. I know it will be hard, but I know I can do it. Quitting smoking was hard, too, but I did that. I quit smoking 6 years ago. I actually think quitting drinking won't be as hard as it was to quit smoking. As long as I don't set myself up to fail, or give into temptation.
I had a fight with a friend. Well a few fights. It wasn't to do with my drinking, but I wasn't thinking the clearest due to having been drinking. I still would have had the same feelings and the same need to express them if I hadn't been drinking. Just had I not been drinking I may have been express them better. I still need to learn how to deal with guys on their 'wavelength' since guys think differently that girls do.
Anyway, he kept saying, 'talk to me when you're sober.' That pissed me off. Like my feelings meant sh*t to him just because I had a few beers. By a few, I actually mean like 3. I had a limit because I knew more than 3 would be too much. So I know how to drink in moderation...
So he's not talking to me right now. That's fine. I'm not sure I really want to talk to someone who is avoiding me anyway. Or making me feel like less of a human being for having a few beers. The thing is that I get emotional when I'm drinking. Well was drinking. Since I probably won't be anymore. I usually stuffed all my feelings down. But it's like shaking a can of pop. It wants to come out. Just I had no control over how it manifested itself when it did come out.
I'm not quitting FOR HIM. Or for anyone, really. Because I could even have 1 drink a month, but I just said f*ck it. I don't need it. I have to take responsibility for my life. For MYSELF. For my FUTURE. Also my kid will have a better future as well. I will save money that I know will be better spent elsewhere.
Anyway, I gotta try to get a couple hours of sleep at the very least because I worked last night and I am exhausted. Also I gotta be up in a couple hours because I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I'm going to go to my very first AA meeting tonight. So I gotta sleep before that, too.
Well, I know not everyone believes in astrology, but I do. I like to check my horoscope every now and then and I find that it does relate to the things I'm facing. Today, mine said:
"You've got a nagging feeling that you could have done more to make a success of a relationship. Maybe you're right but that was then, this is now. Stop looking back."
This does apply to me for a few reasons. I made a mess out of a potential relationship, and a few past ones. I've been thinking about that too much lately. Way too much. To the point it makes me miserable. And I really should stop torturing myself because that is what I'm doing. Torturing myself. Do the guys from my past think of me and wish they had done more? Probably not. So why am I still thinking about them? There's only one guy from my past I should think about. My son's father. Because he's still in my life. For good reason. I'm glad that we are amicable. That helps both of us be parents. Like we ought to be. So I'm glad for that.
Last night at work I told my co-worker about my recently past relationship. I know I started dating him for the wrong reasons. I think that deep down inside I had good intentions, but it didn't work because right from the very start things were going wrong. He recently admitted he started being insecure with me 2 weeks into the relationship. He has trust issues to begin with, which really didn't help. I tried to reassure him, but that didn't help either because he was so insecure that he thought I was lying.
The insecurities and jealousy just got so out of hand. Usually I'm the insecure one, but this time it was just... Crazy. Crazy is the only word I can think to use to describe how it got between us. I still held onto hope that things would get better, but instead they got worse. Much worse.
I ended up kissing my best friend when my boyfriend and I were fighting. But that's all we did. At that time I thought things were over between my ex boyfriend and I. They probably should have been because he was so 'sure' I was cheating on him, which I wasn't. Every time I denied it, he thought I was lying. I got so sick of being accused of cheating that I just started keeping things to myself, like keeping the fact that I was going out with my friends from him because he'd get jealous and want to know every single little detail. At that time, I had broken up with him, but we were sort of still seeing each other. Big mistake. I ended it because he'd written a letter to me and it was laced with insults and when he came to pick up his things from my place, my mother was here. (She was having a fight with my step-father) So my ex doesn't tell me about the letter. Didn't give it to me. Left it on the bathroom counter. My mother went to the bathroom and I was thinking she was taking a long time in there. I guess she was reading my letter before I even knew about it. Also, she didn't tell me about it because then I'd know that she read it.
So naturally, I was pretty angry. So I wasn't talking to the guy. He decided he was going to try to make me jealous by saying he had a new girlfriend, so I ended up meeting a guy. But I found out that the 'girlfriend' wasn't even real. So yeah... That's messed up. I never played the type of games he was playing with me.
Anyway, I don't know why we started seeing each other after that. I should have just walked away and never looked back. But I couldn't do that because I still cared about him. We were together for 7 months and that is a long time. Not the longest I've been with someone, but still pretty long to be considered a long term relationship.
So things go heated between us because he wanted me back and I said no. But I also came clean about kissing my best friend, which was a secret I was keeping for over a year at the point that I finally told him. So of course him already prone to jealous fits of insecurity was pretty pissed off. I was checking his wall on wireclub and saw him writing all kinds of stuff about me on that. I have since stopped looking at and reading it. No point. He kept sending me emails. EVEN after he had written to me to tell me never to call him, write to him or call his name if I ever saw him on the street.
Then he started a new relationship with some girl... Let her read all the emails we sent each other... One of the last emails he sent me he said he wanted to be friends with me because he misses me and was trying to apologize for his mistakes throughout our relationship. Said I'd like his new girlfriend and I should meet her... Why would I want to? Said she felt bad for me but he didn't understand why.... I feel bad for HER. Now she knows what she's getting herself into... If she was smart she would figure out that he's probably been the same way with his other past girlfriends that he's been with. The same way he's been with me. Things were okay at the beginning but... Then he became unglued. I still tried. Then near the end I realized things were just never going to change, get better, or be like they were at the start when things were good.
I came close to starting a relationship... Or whatever the heck it was starting to be... But things derailed and that train went back to the station. Not like I was really ready for anything after my last relationship for all the messed up reasons I just wrote about. I won't get into the reasons why that other 'thing' didn't work out but the reasons were not the same.
So... The title of this post is called Recovery. I'm in recovery now. I decided to quit drinking. I know it will be hard, but I know I can do it. Quitting smoking was hard, too, but I did that. I quit smoking 6 years ago. I actually think quitting drinking won't be as hard as it was to quit smoking. As long as I don't set myself up to fail, or give into temptation.
I had a fight with a friend. Well a few fights. It wasn't to do with my drinking, but I wasn't thinking the clearest due to having been drinking. I still would have had the same feelings and the same need to express them if I hadn't been drinking. Just had I not been drinking I may have been express them better. I still need to learn how to deal with guys on their 'wavelength' since guys think differently that girls do.
Anyway, he kept saying, 'talk to me when you're sober.' That pissed me off. Like my feelings meant sh*t to him just because I had a few beers. By a few, I actually mean like 3. I had a limit because I knew more than 3 would be too much. So I know how to drink in moderation...
So he's not talking to me right now. That's fine. I'm not sure I really want to talk to someone who is avoiding me anyway. Or making me feel like less of a human being for having a few beers. The thing is that I get emotional when I'm drinking. Well was drinking. Since I probably won't be anymore. I usually stuffed all my feelings down. But it's like shaking a can of pop. It wants to come out. Just I had no control over how it manifested itself when it did come out.
I'm not quitting FOR HIM. Or for anyone, really. Because I could even have 1 drink a month, but I just said f*ck it. I don't need it. I have to take responsibility for my life. For MYSELF. For my FUTURE. Also my kid will have a better future as well. I will save money that I know will be better spent elsewhere.
Anyway, I gotta try to get a couple hours of sleep at the very least because I worked last night and I am exhausted. Also I gotta be up in a couple hours because I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I'm going to go to my very first AA meeting tonight. So I gotta sleep before that, too.
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