I'd like to say that I'm in complete control of my emotions. Only they are all over the place. Could be because I'm tired. It is late and I'm thinking too much like I have a tendency to do.
Things are just weird and it means things are changing. They are always changing... Aren't they? Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Sometimes changes bring out the best in us, sometimes they bring out the worst in us. But those two sides of the coin are always going to exist. They are always going to challenge us one way or another. I have to get up early, but I'm going to bed late so it'll be an interesting day tomorrow. I'm kind of frustrated that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. That happens after progressing, that the progress halts and you feel stuck again. At another junction. That always happens. Then it feels like it will take a while to get on track to making more progress than before. I was happy when I felt I was getting somewhere and now I'm back to feeling not much of anything.
I have a few plans coming up this week and am kind of excited about those plans. Yet I'm scared about what is going to happen next. There is always something that I never see coming that sets me back. I'm confused by how I feel these days. Wanting something, yet pushing those desires back down where they came from. I'm always doing that. Pretending I don't want anything is hard. I'm only human. I do have a heart. It just freezes every now and then. When all I feel is cold and without the cold I'd just feel empty. I've felt empty for a long time now. So long that I forget what it feels like not to feel that way. It all started when my ex started doubting me. It was the last thing I needed. What I did need was for him to have faith in me and to love me. But that just was too much to ask for. Anything I ask for is too much to ask for. So I stop asking. I stop wanting. I just push my needs away. That is why I put other people's needs before mine. Most of the time. I have been selfish and feeling guilty about this lately. I figured I should do what makes me happy yet what I decide is never right.
This is why I'm confused. My emotions are running deep, yet they are just under the surface and about to escape whether I want them to or not. I want to do the right thing for once, but every time I let myself choose to do something, to make a choice, take a chance, pick a direction, it's the wrong one because it's always going to lead me right back to where I started from. Because I keep doing things the same way I've always done them. The wrong way. Because I don't know any better. It's hard to turn your whole life around even when you know it is one of the most important things you'll ever do with your life. It's like I'm at this critical junction and it's now or never to start. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right path, but it only takes one wrong turn to get lost again. Getting lost is a setback. Nothing more than a setback that I can recover from. It's just that I have so much to learn and I'm impatient for the information that I need. I'm impatient for the true progress and transformation to begin because I've been needing that much more than the things I chased that I thought I needed so much more.
I made mistakes by making the bad decisions. I made those decisions hastily and not considering the repercussions. I made those choices for the wrong reasons and that's why they ended up being the wrong choices. One of the worst things about making those bad choices is that it seems right at first and it isn't until much longer that you realize that you got yourself in too deep where you don't belong in the first place.
Things are just weird and it means things are changing. They are always changing... Aren't they? Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Sometimes changes bring out the best in us, sometimes they bring out the worst in us. But those two sides of the coin are always going to exist. They are always going to challenge us one way or another. I have to get up early, but I'm going to bed late so it'll be an interesting day tomorrow. I'm kind of frustrated that I don't seem to be getting anywhere. That happens after progressing, that the progress halts and you feel stuck again. At another junction. That always happens. Then it feels like it will take a while to get on track to making more progress than before. I was happy when I felt I was getting somewhere and now I'm back to feeling not much of anything.
I have a few plans coming up this week and am kind of excited about those plans. Yet I'm scared about what is going to happen next. There is always something that I never see coming that sets me back. I'm confused by how I feel these days. Wanting something, yet pushing those desires back down where they came from. I'm always doing that. Pretending I don't want anything is hard. I'm only human. I do have a heart. It just freezes every now and then. When all I feel is cold and without the cold I'd just feel empty. I've felt empty for a long time now. So long that I forget what it feels like not to feel that way. It all started when my ex started doubting me. It was the last thing I needed. What I did need was for him to have faith in me and to love me. But that just was too much to ask for. Anything I ask for is too much to ask for. So I stop asking. I stop wanting. I just push my needs away. That is why I put other people's needs before mine. Most of the time. I have been selfish and feeling guilty about this lately. I figured I should do what makes me happy yet what I decide is never right.
This is why I'm confused. My emotions are running deep, yet they are just under the surface and about to escape whether I want them to or not. I want to do the right thing for once, but every time I let myself choose to do something, to make a choice, take a chance, pick a direction, it's the wrong one because it's always going to lead me right back to where I started from. Because I keep doing things the same way I've always done them. The wrong way. Because I don't know any better. It's hard to turn your whole life around even when you know it is one of the most important things you'll ever do with your life. It's like I'm at this critical junction and it's now or never to start. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right path, but it only takes one wrong turn to get lost again. Getting lost is a setback. Nothing more than a setback that I can recover from. It's just that I have so much to learn and I'm impatient for the information that I need. I'm impatient for the true progress and transformation to begin because I've been needing that much more than the things I chased that I thought I needed so much more.
I made mistakes by making the bad decisions. I made those decisions hastily and not considering the repercussions. I made those choices for the wrong reasons and that's why they ended up being the wrong choices. One of the worst things about making those bad choices is that it seems right at first and it isn't until much longer that you realize that you got yourself in too deep where you don't belong in the first place.
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