It's so cold in here tonight... Cold feet, warm heart? My hands are cold, but my feet are always the coldest. I'm going to bed soon, so I'll be warm in there. I was warm last night... Slept better than I thought I would. *Someone* might find his blue blanket missing one of these days hahaha. I love how soft it is and so warm, and it's my favorite color. And those cushions! I love those too! I might have a SURPRISE coming up... Eventually. So whenever it happens it'll be a surprise!
On another note.... I read something on facebook that read: "Let the bridges I burn light the way."
I like this saying. I like it a lot. If it weren't for some of those bridges having gone up in flames I might not be where I am today. I'm a lot happier now that I don't show I care as much. Not anymore. Not unless it is someone I can trust. But there are people in life that we want to trust that we just cannot and were only meant to so that we can learn a lesson. Even the hard way. Which is how I learn my lessons. And they are hard to learn the hard way because it hurts that much more.
But you know what? Each time I get hurt, I heal. It takes time, but I bounce back eventually. Lately I realize that I have a lot to learn. About trust, balance, *computers*, life, love, etc. About myself. I've been conflicted. I have to pretend to have confidence so that it feels real, but I'd rather it just be real. I met someone recently and I know that he has a lot to teach me in that area. I know that he came into my life for that reason. Well, maybe other reasons, but mostly for that reason.
But I don't want to look solely at the reasons why people come into my life. I want to look at the people themselves. Because people are people. I want to see what makes them 'tick', but I still want to hold my cards as close to my chest as possible. I don't really want them to know that I am on a mission to reinvent myself and my life. And it's hard to show them my true self to begin with. Sometimes bits and pieces of myself shine through and they get a peek of 'me'. But I feel vulnerable when they do. Like I have to put on this 'front' with people of being the 'I don't give a f*ck' girl. The 'cool' girl. I do give a f*ck, just that part is slowly dying. Part of me wants to save it, because that is who I've been for so long, but another part wants to toss it out the window because that is when people start caring more, it seems. They never or rarely cared for me when I cared too much. But now things are different. I'm finally meeting people who see that the old me is still in there, somewhere, but they don't know me well enough to know that girl. Which I like. I like having that clean slate. It is refreshing.
But I'm scared that it'll all come crashing down and that they won't like the girl I'm becoming. Because since I care way less, I'm bound to hurt someone eventually and I don't want to do that. I get along well with guys and a few of my male friends want to be more than friends. Just I am holding out. While still being a nice girl which kind of makes them like me more, but it will hurt them more in the end. I hate hurting anyone. I know how it feels to be in that position and it feels like the first time I've ever been at the other end. I can pretend I have confidence with them because they are my friends, at least I hope they are, and they don't know that I'm pretending and practicing. I know it seems silly but it is the only way I can try on a new persona and see what fits and what works. For me, not for them. So maybe one day I can be something I never was before. Something better than I was. Because I need that now. Before it is too late. I need it for my security so I don't get hurt again and again like I used to. I'm sick of getting hurt and I can be so much stronger than I used to be. I already feel stronger. I thought it would take a long time to get over my last relationship... It turns out that I'm doing okay so far. Just like I knew I would, only I am doing better now than I thought I could. So I am happy because of it. Well, for other reasons, too. Not just because of that.
I cry less now. Sometimes I know something should affect me emotionally and I expect the tears to come, but they are not there. It's not because I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel. It's just that I deal with it differently. Like that part has an on and off switch that I don't control. Yet, I'm working on having control over my emotions. There's a workshop about emotions that I wanted to go to, but I have to sleep during that time or everyone will see what a b*tch I can be! Not that I ever intend to be a b*tch, but if I lack sleep I'm either nutty or b*tchy. I like the nutty, way more fun! But when the b*tch comes out there isn't a switch for it. It has to wear off. Or I have to sleep immediately. Speaking of sleeping immediately.... I need to go to bed!
To be continued....
On another note.... I read something on facebook that read: "Let the bridges I burn light the way."
I like this saying. I like it a lot. If it weren't for some of those bridges having gone up in flames I might not be where I am today. I'm a lot happier now that I don't show I care as much. Not anymore. Not unless it is someone I can trust. But there are people in life that we want to trust that we just cannot and were only meant to so that we can learn a lesson. Even the hard way. Which is how I learn my lessons. And they are hard to learn the hard way because it hurts that much more.
But you know what? Each time I get hurt, I heal. It takes time, but I bounce back eventually. Lately I realize that I have a lot to learn. About trust, balance, *computers*, life, love, etc. About myself. I've been conflicted. I have to pretend to have confidence so that it feels real, but I'd rather it just be real. I met someone recently and I know that he has a lot to teach me in that area. I know that he came into my life for that reason. Well, maybe other reasons, but mostly for that reason.
But I don't want to look solely at the reasons why people come into my life. I want to look at the people themselves. Because people are people. I want to see what makes them 'tick', but I still want to hold my cards as close to my chest as possible. I don't really want them to know that I am on a mission to reinvent myself and my life. And it's hard to show them my true self to begin with. Sometimes bits and pieces of myself shine through and they get a peek of 'me'. But I feel vulnerable when they do. Like I have to put on this 'front' with people of being the 'I don't give a f*ck' girl. The 'cool' girl. I do give a f*ck, just that part is slowly dying. Part of me wants to save it, because that is who I've been for so long, but another part wants to toss it out the window because that is when people start caring more, it seems. They never or rarely cared for me when I cared too much. But now things are different. I'm finally meeting people who see that the old me is still in there, somewhere, but they don't know me well enough to know that girl. Which I like. I like having that clean slate. It is refreshing.
But I'm scared that it'll all come crashing down and that they won't like the girl I'm becoming. Because since I care way less, I'm bound to hurt someone eventually and I don't want to do that. I get along well with guys and a few of my male friends want to be more than friends. Just I am holding out. While still being a nice girl which kind of makes them like me more, but it will hurt them more in the end. I hate hurting anyone. I know how it feels to be in that position and it feels like the first time I've ever been at the other end. I can pretend I have confidence with them because they are my friends, at least I hope they are, and they don't know that I'm pretending and practicing. I know it seems silly but it is the only way I can try on a new persona and see what fits and what works. For me, not for them. So maybe one day I can be something I never was before. Something better than I was. Because I need that now. Before it is too late. I need it for my security so I don't get hurt again and again like I used to. I'm sick of getting hurt and I can be so much stronger than I used to be. I already feel stronger. I thought it would take a long time to get over my last relationship... It turns out that I'm doing okay so far. Just like I knew I would, only I am doing better now than I thought I could. So I am happy because of it. Well, for other reasons, too. Not just because of that.
I cry less now. Sometimes I know something should affect me emotionally and I expect the tears to come, but they are not there. It's not because I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel. It's just that I deal with it differently. Like that part has an on and off switch that I don't control. Yet, I'm working on having control over my emotions. There's a workshop about emotions that I wanted to go to, but I have to sleep during that time or everyone will see what a b*tch I can be! Not that I ever intend to be a b*tch, but if I lack sleep I'm either nutty or b*tchy. I like the nutty, way more fun! But when the b*tch comes out there isn't a switch for it. It has to wear off. Or I have to sleep immediately. Speaking of sleeping immediately.... I need to go to bed!
To be continued....
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