Things are messed up with me... They really are... Emotionally.. I am a wreck and have been for a while. I can tell the truth. I don't have to worry anymore. Not that I worried all that much on here. I kept a lot inside even as open as I am on here. As open as I have ever been on here... It was 10 years ago (sometime, and I will look it up) that I started this blog... I have been open on here. As much as I can.... I hide a lot inside because what I keep in there is why I am inane... Nobody would understand if I told them.
Y'know what? I don't give a flying HOOP-DEE-LA about what anyone thinks anymore...
I wrote to my cousin a few times... He didn't write back until I wrote again today... I said that he is probably too busy to write back... But if you don't want me to travel to go see you... Then just tell me and you won't hurt my feelings... Then he wrote back. I had written to him, and my other cousin... Nobody ever writes back and it is either because it took a long time for me to make the effort and I regret not having made the effort. I regret not having made the effort to see my Grandmother more than I do... But when I call her and see her... I ALWAYS tell her I love her! ALWAYS! I know for a fact that I am the closest to her. She is the closest to me. Not just geographically, but family wise. I'm getting sore in the throat for holding emotion back just from typing about my love for her and my relationship with her... It is hard because I know I could lose her any day.... She is 89 years old and my Grandfather (4 years older than her) lived to 77 years old! He had heart problems. My Mother had heart problems... I could have been born with the same heart problems my mother was.
Anyway... It explained why my Grandmother outlived my Grandfather... But...
This post is about how long it has been since I opened up... I hope you know that I am holding back because I really do need to give myself SOME protection here! Think of it like sex with a condom! LMAO! It was the only comparative image I could conjure! My mind is weak now! At this moment in time! I can truly think of no better! For that I apologize...
So it has been a while that I've been this wide open and feeling like I could spill almost all the BEANS to the world. But what kind of beans are you expecting? Coffee beans, kidney beans, or jelly beans? You decide at the end of this! I don't tell just anyone about this blog. If you stumble upon it sobeit. But not like I don't care about that... I met Sean through here, Rawl and Vinicio... If it were not for this, I might never have met them. I think about that a lot more than you think I do. I think of Sean and his family and I'm happy. I wrote about this dating site and I mentioned it through here. Well the rest Sean knows and I do, too. Which is why I am happy! I could say but I think he`d be okay with as far as I went with that...
His life is totally his life. I know he is busy and that makes me happy, too! But all of it started so many years ago that I feel like attributing it to fate. But the funny thing is that I attribute it to fate. All of it. Because I am merely a link in that fence and he is a link in my fence... We were neighbors once upon a time. I forget who won the debate on who moved to the neighborhood first... It`s been a while since we debated that! But I`m not here to debate.... I `m here to relate... Whatever it is at the given time... Now, then, later... Before... Who knows... I just have to be a voice. Nothing more, nothing less. If I am what I am... Let me be what I am... If I am who I am... Let me be who I am... If nothing, nothing! If something, something...ANYTHING... I can point you in a direction OR you can point me in one. All you have to do is comment and I can hear your voice, your thoughts, your reason. I welcome being pointed in a direction or just hearing something, if anything back. Yes, I can be a lonely girl sometimes but nobody ever knows how strong I am now from all the learning I have done in the last 10 years... I was 20 or so when I started this blog and I`d like to think I have grown up so much since then, so much since I have been working on becoming so much stronger than I used to be... I was weak, maybe some parts of me still are, but for the most part I think I am doing better.
A lot of my friends have said that I deserve more for myself. I only believe half of what they say... Maybe half of what they say I do... So maybe I give myself half the credit. Maybe I give myself no credit at all... Something like that... I am happy when I get some credit, even if I have to give it to myself... Maybe I should buy myself flowers one day and pretend some boy who is madly in love with me bought them for me. Maybe I should go buy myself flowers after work next week...
I miss that, not like everyone I ever dated ever bought me a flower... But I miss the very few times I ever got a rose or any other flower given to me... So may as well be my own valentine this year... Buy myself flowers.... Buy myself chocolate... Bathe in the light of the candles I light for myself... ETC! And you know why! Because I can! I can treat myself the way I wish to be treated. I do not need anyone else. I need myself first and foremost. I need what I need and it is not what everyone needs...
I`m not going to try to explain that any further... I only want to explain what I want to tonight. All other explanations can wait for another night! HAHAHA! The funny part being that I usually spill too many beans as it is without spilling more! The good thing is that I usually spill my own beans... I do not want to be responsible for someone else`s beans because it is their choice to spill them themselves or not. Spill them or still them... Either they get spilled or stilled... It is a choice like happiness and getting un-insane... If sanity is an option. Not sure if insanity is as much of a choice as sanity seems to be...
On one side you have rationality... Helps a lot with the sanity side of things...
If all you are taught is the irrationality... What side do you think will prevailÉ Okay my question marks are not working and usually I can fix that...
Anyway... I will be a good girl now and go to bed... Way past my bed time... Good night!
Y'know what? I don't give a flying HOOP-DEE-LA about what anyone thinks anymore...
I wrote to my cousin a few times... He didn't write back until I wrote again today... I said that he is probably too busy to write back... But if you don't want me to travel to go see you... Then just tell me and you won't hurt my feelings... Then he wrote back. I had written to him, and my other cousin... Nobody ever writes back and it is either because it took a long time for me to make the effort and I regret not having made the effort. I regret not having made the effort to see my Grandmother more than I do... But when I call her and see her... I ALWAYS tell her I love her! ALWAYS! I know for a fact that I am the closest to her. She is the closest to me. Not just geographically, but family wise. I'm getting sore in the throat for holding emotion back just from typing about my love for her and my relationship with her... It is hard because I know I could lose her any day.... She is 89 years old and my Grandfather (4 years older than her) lived to 77 years old! He had heart problems. My Mother had heart problems... I could have been born with the same heart problems my mother was.
Anyway... It explained why my Grandmother outlived my Grandfather... But...
This post is about how long it has been since I opened up... I hope you know that I am holding back because I really do need to give myself SOME protection here! Think of it like sex with a condom! LMAO! It was the only comparative image I could conjure! My mind is weak now! At this moment in time! I can truly think of no better! For that I apologize...
So it has been a while that I've been this wide open and feeling like I could spill almost all the BEANS to the world. But what kind of beans are you expecting? Coffee beans, kidney beans, or jelly beans? You decide at the end of this! I don't tell just anyone about this blog. If you stumble upon it sobeit. But not like I don't care about that... I met Sean through here, Rawl and Vinicio... If it were not for this, I might never have met them. I think about that a lot more than you think I do. I think of Sean and his family and I'm happy. I wrote about this dating site and I mentioned it through here. Well the rest Sean knows and I do, too. Which is why I am happy! I could say but I think he`d be okay with as far as I went with that...
His life is totally his life. I know he is busy and that makes me happy, too! But all of it started so many years ago that I feel like attributing it to fate. But the funny thing is that I attribute it to fate. All of it. Because I am merely a link in that fence and he is a link in my fence... We were neighbors once upon a time. I forget who won the debate on who moved to the neighborhood first... It`s been a while since we debated that! But I`m not here to debate.... I `m here to relate... Whatever it is at the given time... Now, then, later... Before... Who knows... I just have to be a voice. Nothing more, nothing less. If I am what I am... Let me be what I am... If I am who I am... Let me be who I am... If nothing, nothing! If something, something...ANYTHING... I can point you in a direction OR you can point me in one. All you have to do is comment and I can hear your voice, your thoughts, your reason. I welcome being pointed in a direction or just hearing something, if anything back. Yes, I can be a lonely girl sometimes but nobody ever knows how strong I am now from all the learning I have done in the last 10 years... I was 20 or so when I started this blog and I`d like to think I have grown up so much since then, so much since I have been working on becoming so much stronger than I used to be... I was weak, maybe some parts of me still are, but for the most part I think I am doing better.
A lot of my friends have said that I deserve more for myself. I only believe half of what they say... Maybe half of what they say I do... So maybe I give myself half the credit. Maybe I give myself no credit at all... Something like that... I am happy when I get some credit, even if I have to give it to myself... Maybe I should buy myself flowers one day and pretend some boy who is madly in love with me bought them for me. Maybe I should go buy myself flowers after work next week...
I miss that, not like everyone I ever dated ever bought me a flower... But I miss the very few times I ever got a rose or any other flower given to me... So may as well be my own valentine this year... Buy myself flowers.... Buy myself chocolate... Bathe in the light of the candles I light for myself... ETC! And you know why! Because I can! I can treat myself the way I wish to be treated. I do not need anyone else. I need myself first and foremost. I need what I need and it is not what everyone needs...
I`m not going to try to explain that any further... I only want to explain what I want to tonight. All other explanations can wait for another night! HAHAHA! The funny part being that I usually spill too many beans as it is without spilling more! The good thing is that I usually spill my own beans... I do not want to be responsible for someone else`s beans because it is their choice to spill them themselves or not. Spill them or still them... Either they get spilled or stilled... It is a choice like happiness and getting un-insane... If sanity is an option. Not sure if insanity is as much of a choice as sanity seems to be...
On one side you have rationality... Helps a lot with the sanity side of things...
If all you are taught is the irrationality... What side do you think will prevailÉ Okay my question marks are not working and usually I can fix that...
Anyway... I will be a good girl now and go to bed... Way past my bed time... Good night!
4 comments:
I thought I moved in first...Just a little bit before you. I remember being surprised when you told me when you moved to Nepean because I had thought previously that you were there first. Anyway I live on the other end of the city now and I don't get out to Nepean much any more so, you win! You can have it :P
Next time I find myself out there I may give you a call though
I moved here in December of 2004. But yes, I think you lived here first. What if I want to give Nepean back?
Bwahaha! My domain grows! Soon nothing will be able to stop me from... Um...hrm... well this is awkward... let me get back to you on my evil plan for Nepean
Hahahaha... Minto is trying to change the name of Bayshore to Accora Village... That would only work if they change the name of Bayshore Dr, both schools in the area, and the MALL and that will never happen...
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