Well, I got back from work about an hour ago. I have a new tradition now. I stop in at the beer store before work and pick up a couple of cans of beer for after work. I only drink one of them and save the other for Friday. I've cut down on drinking quite a bit by doing this. Well, I don't drink as much as I used to anyway... But from drinking 4-5 times a week, I am now drinking 2-3 times a week. And not getting DRUNK, either. The last time I got drunk was about a week ago. My buddy took me for drinks for a post birthday celebration. We went to the place we met at. He calls it 'the scene of the crime'. I tell people that I met him at a restaurant. But I had stopped in there for a couple of drinks before going to visit my mother at the hospital. She was sick.
It's been over a year and a half and I'm the only one who he will actually go out with and do things with. He told me that I should feel 'privileged' knowing that I'm the only one. I do feel special knowing that I am the only one who can persuade him to go out. It's nice to have a friend like him. Just that when he's generous with me, it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why. I offer to pay for myself as much as I can because I don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of his generosity. I do appreciate what he's done for me. All the times he's taken me out. All that he's done for me. For everything. He's one of the very few friends I have who I KNOW will BE there for ME WHENEVER and for WHATEVER reason.
Anyway, I will be going to bed soon(ish) just takes me a while to unwind after work. Also I'm addicted to the internet, I think. The first thing I do when I get home is get online. That is pretty sad. I rely on the internet for way too much and way too often. It is a treasure trove of possibilities and information, but at the same time it is very addictive and I need to do things offline. I had a very big problem with the internet when I was in college. I was addicted to it. Much as I am now. I think it is worse now, though. Do they have Internet Anonymous? Maybe they should have that! For people just like me! Who can easily get addicted to pretty much anything!
I still have half a beer left and I can already feel it. After 1 beer! I guess I'm a 'cheap date'. Hahaha.
What's been going on with me lately? Not a heck of a lot. Just the regular hermit stuff.
Although... I have been going to counselling and things like that. So twice a week I have 'improvement' days. Where I can talk about stuff. Counselling is once a week, but the other meeting is to help me get some stuff done as well.
Been making a list of goals I want to accomplish. Just am slow at getting things done. At least I started making a list! I signed up for a workshop on 'leaving your comfort zone'. I struggle with this constantly. I'm always 'hiding' in my comfort zone because it is so much easier than trying to do the things that cause me anxiety. I got comfortable doing what is easier than doing what is right. I get that from my childhood. It was something my mother taught me. I have to undo some teachings that I was taught. As well as some teachings I taught myself. Like the whole: "It's okay to just exist. Rather than to seize each moment." Stuff like that. I don't want to merely exist. I am not happy existing. I want to thrive and feel good about what I'm doing in my life.
I know I have lots of changes to make and I'm hoping that by this time next year I will have a more secure footing where I can just climb up and keep climbing towards the peak (ultimate happiness). Where my dreams will come true. I know they likely won't come true, but I can always hope. That SOME day, ONE day... I'm already starting to feel different. Maybe it has a lot to do with not being in my 20s anymore or the fact that I feel like I'm proceeding in this process of processes. I only get discouraged when I feel like I'm being held back. Sometimes I'm being held back by circumstances, but it's mostly by the consequences of the choices I MADE along the way. Also, I have to admit that I hold myself back by keeping myself in this comfort zone. I need to break free and snap out of it. I want to build a life and not just merely live because I'm alive. Life is short and I really need to do something other than just waste time and waste all my opportunities by letting them pass me by, again and again.
This comfort zone thing is like an addiction in itself. I am addicted to being comfortable with the life I have been living, up to a certain point. I am comfortable until I realize that I shouldn't be comfortable with this. This is not what I want. I want more out of life and I gotta go get it! I cannot sit here and expect it to come to me. I can't wait for chances to come my way. I have to take them. I have to make them. Those barriers... I have to break them. It's like I've been living inside these four walls and only THINKING about breaking down a wall to get out of where I've been trapped for YEARS. You know when someone has been in jail so long that they don't even know how to function on the outside? It's kind of like that only I'm in my OWN prison VOLUNTARILY!
Have any of you seen the movie called: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?
One of my favorites!
Anyway, in that movie they are in group therapy when they find out that one of the guys in there is there voluntarily. It reminds me of that. Why be in a psyche ward if you don't need to be?!
I remember when... (Sorry that this is a long post, I haven't written in a while) I was in 6E. Most of you won't know what that is. I was there for 4 months and I can't say it was all that helpful. I hate being locked up for one thing. I hate it. I think that is why I was there, because I was running from one place just to be locked up in another... But, no, the reason I was there was because I kept thinking about ending my life. I wanted to, tried half heartedly a few times. I guess I didn't really want to die or I would have succeeded. Some people kill themselves by accident and that is sad. Well killing yourself on purpose is sad, too.
I was young back then and I only wanted to end the prison sentence imposed on me. I know it wasn't really jail but there are so many ways it was like being in jail. Only I had done nothing wrong. Like being grounded for 2 years. Only worse. At least when you're grounded you are not taken from your home and everything familiar to you... It's not right or fair that they put kids with problems together and expect them to just deal with their issues and everything going on around them. It's like expecting a kid to be able to deal with adult situations. Only when that kid grows up and actually becomes an adult, they are still very much a child because they never are given the tools they need to function properly in society after having been segregated for so long.
So yes, I realize why I am not 'normal' and have isolation issues. I was isolated. I got used to it. Isolation isn't something anyone should be taught to get used to. But it is now a choice I've been making for so long now because that is what I'm comfortable with. There is no running away now because there is no reason to run away. There are no people forcing me to be in one place. A place I would have gone crazy being in. Now I just isolate myself because it is easier than trying to make everyone else happy. Not that I am happy living in my own little bubble. I'd like to be normal and have a normal life, even if something keeps telling me that it's too late now and that it's just all a huge pipe dream.
Whatever, as long as I do recognize why I am not normal and am 'trying' to 'fix' things... Even if it is so damn hard to convince myself that I should be doing this or doing that. At least I am starting to do SOMETHING and that is much better than burying my head in the sand and just turning a blind eye to what the real issues are that make me live this way. Yes, a lot of it has to do with the past and yes, it does still have a hold on me. I want to let it go, but I know it will always be a part of me. Always. It'll always come up as 'reasons' why I am the way I am today. Even though I know there are no excuses. I am me, in the now, living for TODAY and TOMORROW so what will today throw at me? A pillow? Maybe I need to sleep. I will soon. I hope. At least today is tossing a pillow at me instead of a pile of sh*t. Hahaha. Maybe that'll be tomorrow, but I doubt it. I need to make the best of everything. Even out of a pile of sh*t.
It's been over a year and a half and I'm the only one who he will actually go out with and do things with. He told me that I should feel 'privileged' knowing that I'm the only one. I do feel special knowing that I am the only one who can persuade him to go out. It's nice to have a friend like him. Just that when he's generous with me, it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why. I offer to pay for myself as much as I can because I don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of his generosity. I do appreciate what he's done for me. All the times he's taken me out. All that he's done for me. For everything. He's one of the very few friends I have who I KNOW will BE there for ME WHENEVER and for WHATEVER reason.
Anyway, I will be going to bed soon(ish) just takes me a while to unwind after work. Also I'm addicted to the internet, I think. The first thing I do when I get home is get online. That is pretty sad. I rely on the internet for way too much and way too often. It is a treasure trove of possibilities and information, but at the same time it is very addictive and I need to do things offline. I had a very big problem with the internet when I was in college. I was addicted to it. Much as I am now. I think it is worse now, though. Do they have Internet Anonymous? Maybe they should have that! For people just like me! Who can easily get addicted to pretty much anything!
I still have half a beer left and I can already feel it. After 1 beer! I guess I'm a 'cheap date'. Hahaha.
What's been going on with me lately? Not a heck of a lot. Just the regular hermit stuff.
Although... I have been going to counselling and things like that. So twice a week I have 'improvement' days. Where I can talk about stuff. Counselling is once a week, but the other meeting is to help me get some stuff done as well.
Been making a list of goals I want to accomplish. Just am slow at getting things done. At least I started making a list! I signed up for a workshop on 'leaving your comfort zone'. I struggle with this constantly. I'm always 'hiding' in my comfort zone because it is so much easier than trying to do the things that cause me anxiety. I got comfortable doing what is easier than doing what is right. I get that from my childhood. It was something my mother taught me. I have to undo some teachings that I was taught. As well as some teachings I taught myself. Like the whole: "It's okay to just exist. Rather than to seize each moment." Stuff like that. I don't want to merely exist. I am not happy existing. I want to thrive and feel good about what I'm doing in my life.
I know I have lots of changes to make and I'm hoping that by this time next year I will have a more secure footing where I can just climb up and keep climbing towards the peak (ultimate happiness). Where my dreams will come true. I know they likely won't come true, but I can always hope. That SOME day, ONE day... I'm already starting to feel different. Maybe it has a lot to do with not being in my 20s anymore or the fact that I feel like I'm proceeding in this process of processes. I only get discouraged when I feel like I'm being held back. Sometimes I'm being held back by circumstances, but it's mostly by the consequences of the choices I MADE along the way. Also, I have to admit that I hold myself back by keeping myself in this comfort zone. I need to break free and snap out of it. I want to build a life and not just merely live because I'm alive. Life is short and I really need to do something other than just waste time and waste all my opportunities by letting them pass me by, again and again.
This comfort zone thing is like an addiction in itself. I am addicted to being comfortable with the life I have been living, up to a certain point. I am comfortable until I realize that I shouldn't be comfortable with this. This is not what I want. I want more out of life and I gotta go get it! I cannot sit here and expect it to come to me. I can't wait for chances to come my way. I have to take them. I have to make them. Those barriers... I have to break them. It's like I've been living inside these four walls and only THINKING about breaking down a wall to get out of where I've been trapped for YEARS. You know when someone has been in jail so long that they don't even know how to function on the outside? It's kind of like that only I'm in my OWN prison VOLUNTARILY!
Have any of you seen the movie called: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?
One of my favorites!
Anyway, in that movie they are in group therapy when they find out that one of the guys in there is there voluntarily. It reminds me of that. Why be in a psyche ward if you don't need to be?!
I remember when... (Sorry that this is a long post, I haven't written in a while) I was in 6E. Most of you won't know what that is. I was there for 4 months and I can't say it was all that helpful. I hate being locked up for one thing. I hate it. I think that is why I was there, because I was running from one place just to be locked up in another... But, no, the reason I was there was because I kept thinking about ending my life. I wanted to, tried half heartedly a few times. I guess I didn't really want to die or I would have succeeded. Some people kill themselves by accident and that is sad. Well killing yourself on purpose is sad, too.
I was young back then and I only wanted to end the prison sentence imposed on me. I know it wasn't really jail but there are so many ways it was like being in jail. Only I had done nothing wrong. Like being grounded for 2 years. Only worse. At least when you're grounded you are not taken from your home and everything familiar to you... It's not right or fair that they put kids with problems together and expect them to just deal with their issues and everything going on around them. It's like expecting a kid to be able to deal with adult situations. Only when that kid grows up and actually becomes an adult, they are still very much a child because they never are given the tools they need to function properly in society after having been segregated for so long.
So yes, I realize why I am not 'normal' and have isolation issues. I was isolated. I got used to it. Isolation isn't something anyone should be taught to get used to. But it is now a choice I've been making for so long now because that is what I'm comfortable with. There is no running away now because there is no reason to run away. There are no people forcing me to be in one place. A place I would have gone crazy being in. Now I just isolate myself because it is easier than trying to make everyone else happy. Not that I am happy living in my own little bubble. I'd like to be normal and have a normal life, even if something keeps telling me that it's too late now and that it's just all a huge pipe dream.
Whatever, as long as I do recognize why I am not normal and am 'trying' to 'fix' things... Even if it is so damn hard to convince myself that I should be doing this or doing that. At least I am starting to do SOMETHING and that is much better than burying my head in the sand and just turning a blind eye to what the real issues are that make me live this way. Yes, a lot of it has to do with the past and yes, it does still have a hold on me. I want to let it go, but I know it will always be a part of me. Always. It'll always come up as 'reasons' why I am the way I am today. Even though I know there are no excuses. I am me, in the now, living for TODAY and TOMORROW so what will today throw at me? A pillow? Maybe I need to sleep. I will soon. I hope. At least today is tossing a pillow at me instead of a pile of sh*t. Hahaha. Maybe that'll be tomorrow, but I doubt it. I need to make the best of everything. Even out of a pile of sh*t.
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