I said it before, I will say it again. I am done! Every time I think I'm done, I try. Because I'm not one for giving up. But now I am. I am done. I am cold. Too cold. Too closed up. I get this way when I am rejected repeatedly. Even once I try. Twice, I try again... I don't know what it is. I have issues. Obviously jaded and at the brink of hating the rest of the single male species. Why? Because they cannot and will not ever make up their minds. I don't care if they ever will, now. Not now, not ever. I could really care less than less.
It's like they are always put for themselves. Maybe I should start becoming that way. Utterly heartless. Maybe I should. I could live without my stupid heart. I get hurt from caring when others do not. Always that way. Not just talking about romantic interests. I see how lots of people look at me. I hate it. I want to hurt people who look at me with disdain. I can tell the difference. I can see it. Emotions of hatred show on your face with or without you knowing it.
Why should I care???? Anymore??? Tell me why??? Because I wanted to fall in love??? Because I wanted to be meaningful to somebody??? I have to deal with rejection far too much to want that anymore... Faith? Have faith??? I'd tell people that. Have faith in themselves and that it'll all work out... And so forth. I just can't believe in that. I don't want to believe in anything anymore let alone myself. So don't believe the sh*t I say. I barely believe in myself.
I know I should believe in myself, be optimistic. Hopeful. All of everything I want to be but it is so hard now! Harder than ever! How can I believe in myself when nobody believes in me, too? I hate feeling so powerless. I hate hating myself. I hate the loneliness and everything. I hate it all. I am sick of it all. I am not going to try anymore. I am tired of feeling anything. I feel good just to feel bad? I don't get it! I just want to feel good! And stay feeling good. I thought that was what love was for. I hate wanting to give up. I hate everything. I hate hating everything. I hate being so angry that I hate everything.
Why can't life be simple? Why can't I be honest with my feelings without getting hurt? Why can't I do anything without feeling so hurt and rejected all of the time? Why can't I just be happy? I hate having to be fake just to please other people. I hate having to please them so artificially, but that is what they want. They want me to be fake, uncaring, unfeeling, like a rubber doll that they can have sex with whatever. Sorry, I'm a REAL girl with REAL feelings. If you hurt them, I get mad. If you claim to be my friend and desert me, yes, I get mad. Because I am a real friend and stay by your side. Even though you don't deserve a friend like me. Most of you. Forget about me, even. You have your lives. I cannot and will not fault you for that.
I hate being so mad at myself for having stupid feelings for stupid boys in the first place who do not and will not deserve me. I hate feeling anything. I'm not supposed to feel. That was my lesson. Years of abuse taught me. I should never feel anything because I am hardly worth it. And I tried to tell myself it wasn't true. Why am I so conflicted between thinking I am nothing and not worthy of emotion and feeling like, yes! I am a good girl and deserve for someone to help me feel something? I do not understand why it has to be such a fight. All the time, over this. Why cannot I be loved as I need to be? I will always be here. Guys leave me. So why can I not learn to just love myself???? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I do not deserve anything??? ANY F*CKING THING???
It's like they are always put for themselves. Maybe I should start becoming that way. Utterly heartless. Maybe I should. I could live without my stupid heart. I get hurt from caring when others do not. Always that way. Not just talking about romantic interests. I see how lots of people look at me. I hate it. I want to hurt people who look at me with disdain. I can tell the difference. I can see it. Emotions of hatred show on your face with or without you knowing it.
Why should I care???? Anymore??? Tell me why??? Because I wanted to fall in love??? Because I wanted to be meaningful to somebody??? I have to deal with rejection far too much to want that anymore... Faith? Have faith??? I'd tell people that. Have faith in themselves and that it'll all work out... And so forth. I just can't believe in that. I don't want to believe in anything anymore let alone myself. So don't believe the sh*t I say. I barely believe in myself.
I know I should believe in myself, be optimistic. Hopeful. All of everything I want to be but it is so hard now! Harder than ever! How can I believe in myself when nobody believes in me, too? I hate feeling so powerless. I hate hating myself. I hate the loneliness and everything. I hate it all. I am sick of it all. I am not going to try anymore. I am tired of feeling anything. I feel good just to feel bad? I don't get it! I just want to feel good! And stay feeling good. I thought that was what love was for. I hate wanting to give up. I hate everything. I hate hating everything. I hate being so angry that I hate everything.
Why can't life be simple? Why can't I be honest with my feelings without getting hurt? Why can't I do anything without feeling so hurt and rejected all of the time? Why can't I just be happy? I hate having to be fake just to please other people. I hate having to please them so artificially, but that is what they want. They want me to be fake, uncaring, unfeeling, like a rubber doll that they can have sex with whatever. Sorry, I'm a REAL girl with REAL feelings. If you hurt them, I get mad. If you claim to be my friend and desert me, yes, I get mad. Because I am a real friend and stay by your side. Even though you don't deserve a friend like me. Most of you. Forget about me, even. You have your lives. I cannot and will not fault you for that.
I hate being so mad at myself for having stupid feelings for stupid boys in the first place who do not and will not deserve me. I hate feeling anything. I'm not supposed to feel. That was my lesson. Years of abuse taught me. I should never feel anything because I am hardly worth it. And I tried to tell myself it wasn't true. Why am I so conflicted between thinking I am nothing and not worthy of emotion and feeling like, yes! I am a good girl and deserve for someone to help me feel something? I do not understand why it has to be such a fight. All the time, over this. Why cannot I be loved as I need to be? I will always be here. Guys leave me. So why can I not learn to just love myself???? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I do not deserve anything??? ANY F*CKING THING???
2 comments:
Hey Abby, These bad experiences must be getting tiring. I can totally understand why you say you're "done". Personally, I don't think you can exit the game like that. People have needs both, physical and emotional which require other people. Yours aren't being met so it's only natural for you to try and meet them. It sucks that people play games or don't seem to be on the same timing as you. I remember more than a few times before I was married that I told someone how I felt only to be rejected and it hurt A LOT. I felt I often revealed my feelings too soon...didn't allow for enough time for the person I was interested in to feel something. the thing is once you tell someone and they're not interested, it's game over...That's the part that really sucks because you've invested but the other person has not. It's a stupid game and it sucks but you don't make the rules...:(.
You know, I thought the same thing about women as you do about men. Women can't make up your mind, don't know what they want and make bad decisions but then I realized everyone does this, men and women alike. There are no rules or logic to it...it either works or it doesn't and every time you start a new relationship with someone it's an experiment...no one knows how it's going to turn out or even what they want from it.
Anyway, I think there is something to loving yourself first. Once you can do that it becomes a little easier to bear rejection.
Anyway, I know you must be tired of hearing it but don't give up. the potential for happiness is much greater than the pain of rejection.
Thanks Sean. I guess I was pretty drunk, angry, and feeling sorry for myself. Not the best combo or emotions. I am pretty frustrated.
I'm guilty of being impatient. It's the whole war of the ego that 'needs' constantly versus the spirit that already has everything save a few missing pieces.
I'm already starting to feel better than I was that night. I started going on POF again, BUT WITHOUT the expectations or intentions of dating. Because I realize I'm too emotional unstable, STILL. Even though I'll eventually want to explore those feelings again.
So far on POF, I've met a guy (not in person yet) who has the potential to be a very good FRIEND to me and that's all I need. All I ever really needed anyway. Until I get all that other stuff figured out.
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